My life is garbage.
I've been in love with the same guy since I was twelve. He was my best friend through my early adolescence and was my neighbour from then until adulthood. At twelve we were tighter than Goose and Maverick.
From the outset of my 14th birthday (until my 15th), it all went to hell: we began to lose touch. He ran around chasing other girls, and left me behind. I remember, in school, overhearing girls gossip about his sexual prowesses. I'd watch him from afar, and being a helpless onlooker was the worst part. All those years I left school or snuffed out quiet places to deal with the crying spells. I even recall cramming myself into a locker, just to bitchcry.

In my powerless stance, with all that unspoken grief, I tried to cut my loses and move on from him. But at some point I burst, and the floodgates swung open: at 14 years old, I started putting out for quick cash (50$ a *******); I found solace in coke, MDMA, weed, speed...basically the classics in the book of the frustrated teenager. Eventually, I chugged my whole bottle of Adderall like a jelo shot.
I had a panic attack which was mistaken by my teachers for hypothermia. I rode off in an ambulance that day, when all I needed was to talk to him.

Funny thing is, we didn't completely slip away from each other; that same year he took my virginity, over the railroad tracks that fringed our neighbourhood. He pleaded me to keep quiet about it. I held my silence with an obstinacy that still surprises me today. But little did I know, on his end, he was openly spreading the word. He disclosed just about everything he made me keep to myself.

We were again estranged for 2 years. We didn't rekindle our friendship till graduation: we smoked one out and ****** in a kid's park. And whadya know, the condom broke.
As luck would have it, I got pregnant (I was then 16). Once I'd finally summoned the courage to avow my concerns and tell him - I'll never forget that night. His reaction went something like "I haven't been entirely truthful with you - I have a girlfriend". And he left me there.
I lost it.
That summer was the most miserable chapter of my life. I was literally all alone, my friends landed summer jobs out of town. I dabbled into drugs, self-harm and promiscuity. In fact, the very night he turned me away, I went out, popped some ecstasy and ****** a male ******** nine times. Needless to say I was steaming. Angry, vindictive and downright pathetic.
I ended up having a miscarriage. Which I grieved alone too. He didn't give an honest ****, and would've never lifted a finger for my sake.

I dropped out of school. I bid my time trying to get back at him, in misdirected anger: I thus resorted to full-on prostitution, at 16-17 years old. I slumbered in profligacy, consumed in my doom - cutting, shooting ****, ******* men for both cash and drugs - the whole ******* nine yards. I once did a guy for over an eightball of crack. Every penny I earned from every gig was spent almost exclusively on blow. Or on the rarer jems like DMT. Acid, shrooms, white cross, yellow jackets, ex, ketamine, meth, you name it, all came into play. I went out of my way to seek out heroin; I ended up slipping a homeless guy a 20 to refer me to his dealer and hook me up. To put it poetically, I became enamoured of self-destruction. This happened over 4 months. It doesn't take much time to slip and fall.

He apologized to me 4 months later. Though I didn't condone his behaviour, after a few twists and turns we started ******* again. The sex was godly.
We had a good casual-sex thing going. It was a haven for me - he was the only man who could satisfy me; even more, the only man who could give me a hint of pleasure. Some past childhood trauma bled into my sexual development as a young teen, and made me asexual: but inexplicably, he proved to be my exception.

Two months ago he left on vacation. I've recently just turned 18. In his absence, I got black-out drunk and was sexually abused while I was passed out. I have faint, glimpsed memories of a short, middle-aged stumpy fat guy fingering me and stroking his **** over my sleeping form. I was already molested when I was 11. Which is, by the way, something the guy I loved was well aware of when he went ahead and ****** me over. We'd openly discussed my trust issues, which makes it all the more disgusting to me.

He now just returned from Fiji. I was hoping to forget what happened by picking up where we left off. But nope.
I ran into him at a grocery store. He put up this reluctant demeanour at the sight of me; whatever the reason, he tried to avoid me at all costs.

I don't know what to make of his bullshit, but I'll tell you this much - if Men had a face, I'd spit right on it.
I've been raised in an environment where men have behaved in one of the following ways: treating me like a blow-up doll, paying me for sex, or abusing me physically or emotionally. My father, to win over an argument, used to hit me or pin me to a wall, and remind me that as a girl, I was weaker - and thus I couldn't do **** about it. I've never known anything else.

Understand that I know how this whole story depicts me: I'm the submissive **** any guy can make his *****, right? Wrong. In spite of my experiences I do have unmitigated pride, and my self-respect is unalloyed. I have poor morals, but my dignity's not any bleaker. Prostitution wasn't degrading in my eyes; I rendered it an empowering experience, where a woman, such as myself, who wasn't graced with archetypical beauty can still repossess her body and feel like the sexiest ***** ever. But then again, that's my personal construal of the experience: to each his own.

So the issue at hand isn't that I'm spineless. I have a mouth, an ego, and an attitude and I use all three extensively. Men don't overstep their bounds with me because I enable it. I may never know in what virtue was I put through abuse, or what caused it - but you can rule a weak backbone out.

All I want is a genuine guy who won't beguile me to his own depraved and selfish gain. I'm sick of power games and the snares of human relationships.
I wan't to meet someone who is unmitigated from and dispels gender roles. If I've learned anything is that a girl can be a player and a guy can be easy. And if you're not an ignorant ****, you'd know that there are arenas where women physically surpass men - endurance, for instance, because of childbirth. I hope one day more people will abate those walls and see for themselves.

I don't want a guy who treats me like a girl, I want a guy who treats me like a person. And had the men in my life understood that principle, my story would've been a lot different. My life is garbage, but it didn't have to be.
lionchase lionchase
22-25, F
Aug 15, 2014