What I Wish I Could Say To My Brother

You are autistic. I don't know why you don't think so. Because you don't fit every criteria? Because you can make eye contact? That thinking is pretty ******* autistic. When you say things like  that you are saying that I am just an evil ***** who hates her brother. That's what you really believe too. I don't hate you, or at least I didn't used to. I have tried to make a relationship with you even though you ruined my childhood. There was not a single family moment you didn't make impossible to enjoy through an outburst, a bedwetting, or just getting lost in plain sight. I had to dictate my life around you. I am still paranoid about what I say to normal people because I don't know if it will cause the kind of cataclysmic meltdown it caused in you. I for the longest time believed that I was responsible for mom and dad splitting up because I couldn't keep you in line or happy.
I am so jealous of you. You don't have to do ****, the very bare minimum of you is required. You could get praised for brushing your teeth at age 17, while I have always had to bust my *** to get half the attention you did. I faked so many illnesses because I believed being sick was the only way to get attention from mom. I slacked off and ruined my school career in middle school because at least then I took up the family conversation. And now, even though mom and I are very close and commiserate about you, I can't believe you aren't the favorite. I know she resents the **** out of you just like I do, but there's something about how you can call her a ***** and say you hate her and get no reprocussions that brings out the inner jealous child in me. There is still a part of me that can't be satisfied with anything I do, like I need to be beyond perfect to make up for you.
I have deep anger for you hiding right under my skin, all I need is someone to remind me of you and all the feelings I can't feel for you explode.
Well now I am taking responsibility for my feelings, I am putting your problems on you and taking my life back. No one can stand you and it's because of you, not me. You won't take help or therapy for your problem and you won't compromise and learn to live with me by even the smallest measure. You may be autistic but you aren't my baggage. I have to cut you out or lose myself, someone you care less abou than a new book. So **** you

katyliz17 katyliz17
18-21, F
Jul 20, 2010