I Need Help To Understand How To Connect With My As Men

It hit me today. I have a great untapped resource here on EP. Other opinions, and people that have experienced this from the other side. Why have I never asked you all?

My question is this: how can I created places of 'connection' between my AS men and myself? They're smart. They can be very witty. But I constantly find that they absorb so much into what they do, that I wonder at my place in their world. Both have a predominant interest in IT. I am hopeless with IT. With both I can sit and watch certain movies and tv that we all enjoy. My brother I can 'remember when' with occasionally, but that wears thin after a bit. With my hubby we have a mutual interest in our son and both families, but I think we need more than that.

I supect the key is about drawing them out... I'm just not sure how to do it. Any thoughts?

EternallyHopeful EternallyHopeful
31-35, F
18 Responses Feb 23, 2011

I've had autism when I was around 5. Today, I have aspergers syndrome and my brain and mind is wired differently in terms of how I percieve reality. I don't have very much friends as I felt used, abused, and betrayed due to their ignorance and negligent actions. I have very good close relationships with my parents, 1 close friend, and several close relatives. I think communication can make or brake friendship/relationships and is determined if the other person is willing to be pulling his/her weight and listen as I do. Hope this will give you more insight.

Thank you for your kind thoughts PTSDlittlesister... now I'm pondering your username... (no worries about English, I know it's not eveyone's first language).

I have as-brother and a as-dad. And not as-mum and no-as-me and no-as-littlesister. So! I want to give you huge hug with lots of hope to yyour future. It's possible to balance as-people and we other ones to a same family.. :) I'm not sure of how we've exectly have created this balance... Hmm.. Good question. <br />
Good luck with working on that :) <3 Sorry my bad english.

GW - Well, this is helpful to know. I have a few questions for you - I might send you an email if that's ok? Thank you for your comment.<br />
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Isshe - The biggest thing that holds me back from getting him on EP is him. I might go to a lot of trouble to get him to join... and then he wont come online. Because basically, it's still people. I will give this further thought, though. It's definitely not a 'no'. Thanks for the offer to bring him out of his shell, too :) I'll bet you could do that.<br />
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TNP - Yeah, I now understand that it's not intended. It still makes it difficult to connect. Your suggestions are good - we actually do love watching movies and tv series together, and do a lot of it. I just want to extend that a little into some other things. We have a son and we need to do more as a family than watch tv, you know? I know I should have thought of this earler etc, but earlier we did other things. This information has come much later to hand, and I'm wondering how to expand things just a teeny bit?<br />
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xR - TNP offered some interesting thoughts on this one in a PM a very long time ago. I suspect he has some good thoughts in there, and I hope to try some out sometime. But yes... keeping it healthy is an interesting one. You're always one for a win-win, hey? Thanks for your thoughts.<br />
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Imogen - that's just it. All I know is that when I talk to him about it, he agrees with it all, but in practice he's a work-a-holic LOL... definitely an uphill battle. I think you know what I mean ;)

Hey AA - this is a REALLY brief desc<x>ription from Wikipaedia - 'Asperger's Syndrome is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.' It can make it difficult for people like me to connect unless we have common deep interests.

Oh - AA - noooo, I would never laugh at a question like that. AS = Asperger's Syndrome. The close men in my life have (in one case) or show symptoms of this.

So much to think about here. Thank you all for commenting. I need to ponder a little before I respond, but please know your thoughts are very much appreciated. xo

EH I can't help thinking 'what if you were one of his special interests/obsessions?' Would that be a bad thing? GW do your men ever fall into that category? What does it do for the relationship? Maybe it would be too intense for a mere mortal...

GW already contributed something that's pretty relevant here. I know that I don't personally choose to exclude people - I just don't always think about them or consider them. I realise this makes me hard to live with, so in general (as a result of this) I choose to live alone.<br />
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This affects me most with music, I think. I have a few bands I love, but if someone tries to introduce me to new music, I can find it hard to find something I like at first. It takes a while for new bands, musicians or whatever to become integrated into my tastes.<br />
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But to get to your question... I'm sorry to say this, but I suspect that all the compromising is going to have to be done by you. It's not fair, but I'm guessing you're already used to that, so you already know that fairness isn't going to come to you too often. Anyway, all I can think of as far as connecting with your men is look at what they find interesting and try to find something among those interests that you can understand, appreciate or connect with as well. A TV series, maybe.<br />
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My cousin and I like Doctor Who. We watch it together when we get the chance. His daughters watch it with us as well, now. The older daughter might never have got into the show at all, but I think she's trying to find common interests with him. It's like your situation in reverse.<br />
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I don't know if that helps. I hope it does.

Oh sorry Sweetie, that was a poor joke. I was just kind of responding to Isshe's status' at the time. You didnt really scare her off. Think it would take an awful lot to do that. (((HUG)))

I know you would! That's what bothers me... why can't I do it??

...and I'll bring him out of his shell ;)

You girls are awesome. I'll be back to write more, dashing right now. xo

Hmmm...I've been saying this for ages...get him to join EP!<br />
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But warn me before you do! I'll have to have a bit of a clean up! lol

Carpe... now look what you've done. You've gone and scared off Isshe.... who of us mortals can do that?? ROFL

GW - very wise comment. I really appreciate you sharing this information. It's taken a long time for me to understand that it's not that they intend to exclude me, but I now know you're saying is right. There is an up side that I see very strongly about AS - when connections are made they are very strong, and they are strongly valued. I really appreciate this quality, and for me, it outweighs a lot of the doubts. If you do think of anything, please do mention it. <br />
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I wonder if I didnt make more of my connections with them via a screen? Perhaps? Even if that means skype or something like that (my hands get tired form all this typing!) The other thing I wonder is if some of the skills I'm learning with S are not applicable here too? Slow introductions to new things in a 'safe' way. Challenge but make sure it's sucessful?<br />
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Carpre - really? As GW once said to me, 'there's a bit of AS in all of us'. But you never know.

SnS you sound so sweet (thus your name, I guess). I'm surprised the women aren't queuing up for you!

I Feel what You are saying, SweetHeart. As for me, I want to find a Helpmate, Soulmate, someone I Love with all My Heart & Soul & be Loved, somone that I can listen to & she will listen to me. We can laugh & cry Together. We can cuddle & hold hands and have our quiet times. Someone that I can spoil