Angry Brother

My brother was disgnosed about 9 years ago in his late thirties. As a health proffessional my first instinct was of course! It explained so much about his behaviours growing up. I do not feel it affected me so much growing up (I am 7 years younger than him), but it was probably more difficult for my 2 other brothers who are closer to him in age. My difficulties have begun since the deaths of both my parents in the last 4 years. My brothers drinking has esculated (he drinks heavily)and his rigid thinking and emnotional outbursts are more and more to my distress been directed at me. Does anyone else find that their Asberger sibling depises them, has to write them abusive letters and does not have the faintest inkling that is is not acceptable behaviour. In my brothers mind I am the cause of all his problems and that I abuse him, I am weird and self absorbed (lots of expletives have not been added). Is this transferrence?. His letters are not rational and thankfully I have great support from my other brothers and their families as well as my own husband, but I am distressed that he thinks so poorly of me and I cannot think of a way to amend this. Any help appreciated.
sistertotrev sistertotrev
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 3, 2012

Yes, at least my aspergers brother typically gets VERY aggressive, when I was 13 and he was 10 (one year ago) he told me he wanted to kill me and he's told everyone in my family "I hate you" more than once.

I know how you feel!! I am the olde sister of a brother with aspergers, and of course extreme aggression. It's not easy and Most of the times it's downright infuriating. Our parents and everyone else gives the understandibly needed attention to the child with aspergers, while we get shunted to the side without anyone thinking we may need to talk to someone too. I would love to get to talk to you, I just started a blog about the siblings of aspergers today and there's a chat room link on there, and here's the link for the actual blog if you want to check it out :)

-Parker Rae

Thank you for your reply. I was unable to sign up for your blog not sure why, access was not granted. I hope you get the support you need.

Yes, I don't know how much it helps but I have a very similar experience. <br />
In my case I am older than my brother, and he very much used to look up to me. Part of his anger now, I think, is disillusionment and asserting his authority against me as an equal (I used to be like a parent to him). But he also projects his feelings and anxieties onto me a great deal, and tells me I think all sorts of things which have never even crossed me mind. I think this is partly to do with the difficulty of imagining different perspectives that he is prone to ascribe his feelings to me, and then attack me for them. <br />
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In terms of help, well I can't say I've exactly nailed it. I still end up shouting at him sometimes which is deeply unproductive. In terms of what I know in the more rational part of my mind- 1) he won't (as you say) really think what he's doing is wrong. He can't get an external perspective on himself which he would need to think what he's doing is wrong. 2) You just have to separate out the person he says you are from the person you know you are. The more comfortable you are in yourself the easier this is, and it helps if you have nice people around you to support you in this and remind you who you really are. 3) Aspergic men can sometimes struggle more in their relationships with women, which my explain why he targets you more than your brothers. <br />
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If he's that angry with you, I would say that he probably feels a connection to you, and with time that connection could be used to help him. But you have to let him process things at his own pace. I'm sure he's very lucky to have you as a sister.

Thank you for your wise reply. Interestingly I have recently spoken with a psychologist about my troubles as he has a specialty interest in people with aspergers and he, in different words made exactly the same three points. Firstly That my brother has no introspection or self examination to guide his internal rules about how social relationships work so he has invented his own. They can be illogical and not rational. He will not think he has done anything wrong because I have broken the rules not him. In saying that I have stopped making the situation about me. (your point 2). This I knew but I was trying to find a way to tell my brother that he was wrong not me. I've let that go and just let it be, no self examination, not trying to fix it, just let it be.
I think your point about Aspergic men sounds spot on to what I have experienced. Maybe being younger and a woman has something to do with this. Anyway thank you and I do feel a weight has lifted off me. My other brothers and I are working on some ways we can support our brother best we can and in the meantime if I have to take a little abuse well... i know its not about me.