My Life

I have a sister who is only a year younger than me with aspergers.  She was recently diagnosed but growing up I always knew there was something wrong with her.  Whenever we went to school together, I was embarassed to walk with her or be seen with her.  Kids were so cruel.  People who I thought were my friends would look at her and criticize me about her.  They would ask me why she's a freak or make fun of her infront of my face, saying how weird she is. They would use my sister to 'bring me down' and I told them that I have no idea why she is the way she is.  I would ignore their comments and act is if i didn't care so they wouldn't get the satisfaction of bothering me.  Deep down I did care, a lot.  I was the "weird girl's sister". I always wondered why I wasn't born with a 'normal' sister. 

I always said if there was one thing I could change in my life it would be her.  She made my life miserable and no one understood what I went through and what I am still going through.  My parents were always easier on her (I guess cause they felt bad for her) and I would always get punished or blamed for everything.  More so when we were little, she would go into my room and get into my things without my permission and use them or break them.  She really knew how to break my most expensive/precious things too.  Once while i wasn't home she got into my make-up and broke/wasted/stole atleast $15 worth of it.  I told my parents who did nothing, as usual. It was like having an infant in the house.  Emotionally, she would act very immature for her age and i was embarassed to be out in public with, her especially when she was younger.

My parents never did anything, or gave me any attention growing up.  I was the 'normal' child.  I hated it, not saying I wanted to have asperbergers, but I hated the situation.  They always expected more from me.  Me and my sister would fight all the time, and even though I was only one year older, they would yell at me saying I had to be the mature one.  So here I am, five years old being told to be the 'mature' one when my sister was the one who broke my new favorite toy after I told her not to touch it.  I felt like I had to grow up quickly and I was robbed of my childhood. 

I never had alone time with my parents, especially after my younger brother was born (he is almost 4 years younger than me).  After dealing with my sister, they would use whatever energy they had left on my brother since he was only an infant.  My sister also suffered from ulcerative colitis when she was 2-5, so my mom was in and out of the hospital with her. My dad was always at work paying the hospital bills.  There was never anytime for me, I was never a priorety in their lives' which could be why I still resent my parents to this day. 

In some ways my brother had it easier than me. Since he was a couple of years younger than my sister, the age difference meant they wouldn't be in the same school so none of his friends would know about her and could tease him.  Also, since he is a boy, he wouldn't have a sisterly bond with her anyway.  In addition, because he was the youngest, he received some attention from my parents. 

I always wondered what I did to deserve my sister and why she was so different.  She would obsess about certain things, get into my stuff, act out of control sometimes, but when you look at her she looked completely normal.  My teen years were deffinately the hardest to deal with (I am 17 now so I am still dealing with this).  We are in high school together and it is hard enough fitting in without having your sister bring you down socially.  She is like this dark cloud that always hangs over me, I feel like I am not free to be my own person or make friends.

I'm always embarassed of her, whenever my friends ask my why she sits alone at lunch or why she does certain weird things, I just want to cry.  I keep all my feelings inside though, no one knows how aweful I've felt my whole life.  I've been suffering from depression and I have forgotten what it is like to smile.  I realize I can't blame all this on my sister, but she is absolutely a huge contributing cause to all this.  I can never have friends over because I am embarassed of her and what she will do while they're there.  My friends would ask how come they could never hang at my house and I would always have to make up lame excuses. 

Whenever I would complain to my mom about my sister, she would yell at me telling me that it's not nice to say those things and that I should be grateful for her, since she was an only child and always wanted a sister.  I would tell my mom that I do want a sister, a normal sister. But my mom just wouldn't understand what it is like to be a teenager with my sister  since she was an only child. People would ask me why I never talk to my sister or why I'm not close with her and they made me feel pathetic. I would feel guilty and upset at the same time and felt like they had no right to criticize me since they don't know what it's like. I never had anyone to share my feelings with about this situation.


No one understands.  Not even my friends.  No one.

mildred93 mildred93
15 Responses Oct 11, 2008

im now 15, and my twin brother has aspergers and i dont. just reading your story made me feel less alone. that is exactly how i feel everyday. i would try to make my brother do "normal" things, but as always it never worked. i always wondered why I had to have the "crazy brother" and why he was so different. i promise to you that you arent alone. Your story just described my life perfectly.

I too can relate to your story, but from the other side. You see, I am the sibling that actually has Aspergers. Knowing myself and how I grew up I know how frustrating, exhausting, and confusing it can be to deal with an aspie, I know life is very difficult for you, but it is also difficult for your sister. I sat by myself every day at lunch in high school, and people would jeer and occasionally throw food at me. Sometimes I would just hide in the bathroom during lunch time and cry because things were just so hard. My sister and brother went to the same school as me but I was thankful they didn't have the same lunch period as me because I didn't want to embarrass them or have them see me sitting by myself. I didn't receive any support from my family at that time so I had to bear everything alone. I say all this not to get sympathy or anything but just so you can try to see things from your sister's perspective. I realize that at the same time this doesn't take away from the pain that aspergers has caused you as well. It seems like that pain has gone unvalidated in your life, and I am very sorry for that. Aspergers causes pain for everyone in the family, not just the actual diagnosed person. I think the key to coping is to have all of your feelings and problems this has caused you acknowledged and validated. The best of luck to you and your family. Also, I know this is an older post; what is your perspective now that you are a bit older?

I just realized you're my older brother.

Im so glad I came across this because I woke up today feeling very alone. <br />
My brother is 27 3 years younger than me and was only diagnosed with aspergers last year. My whole life I thought he was just being an as****e, so a diagnosis came as a sort of relief to me, however it has become to him a kind of excuse to me flung in my face everytime he gets annoyed.<br />
We grew up in a single parent family, and so with only my mother there the attention all went on my brother because of his difficulties, so from the age of 7 I was the most independant child possible because in essence I felt like I didnt have anyone. I felt it was me against the two of them.<br />
When I got old enough I moved away to college and escaped what I viewed as their disfunction but recent circumstances have led to me having to move home, and even at 30 I still feel its me against them. I feel like the odd one out. He still gets away with murder like he has all his life and my mother still treats him like hes a child. <br />
Last night he came in after having a few drinks and went off at me about something stupid, he screamed and shouted and looked like he wanted to kill me, then ran to my mother exclaiming that I was evil and that i didnt understand or care and screaming abuse at me through a wall,and she just tried to sooth him, there was no defence of me,while I cried alone in my room. I feel I have noone here to understand how I feel, how hard it is for me, it just seems to be all about him all the time and always has been.<br />
I long for my mother to defend me, i long for him to understand me the way he wants to be understood! Hes just always so self pitying yet never attempts to help himself. Im so frustrated and its hard to say it but I resent them both, often when I was a child I felt like an orphan because my father was gone and my brother had stolen my mother. Its almost as if she knows ill be ok therefore I dont need her, but I had to be that way it wasnt a choice.<br />
If theres anyone out there that knows what im going through please let me know

I can completely relate to this. My sister is 2 years older than me. It never seems to get better for me, either! I am 20, in college, and live away from my parents. That's great, but whenever I fly in to see them, my sister complains about me being there.. she is jealous of me because I am "normal", and never wants me around. She used to tell me that I ruined her life and that she wishes that I had never been born.. now she is more quiet about it, but the smallest things set her off. When plans are changed, she freaks out. If we get, say pepperoni on our pizza instead of just cheese, we'll never here the end of it. And for some reason, she hates my dad. He is a little grumpy sometimes, but is the main provider for our family and should be appreciated.. but she is constantly asking him why he's here.. and she recently told my mom she'd rather live in a home than with him. It just really makes me angry that she treats him that way when she gets everything she wants. She can call me a ***** in front of my mom when I tell her to stop picking her nose in public. Yes, she picks her nose in public.. and eats her findings. It's disgusting. And my mom really ****** up by homeschooling her instead of keeping her in a public or private school.. she has no experience with social activity.. NONE. All she does is talking in goofy voices and repeat things that no one wants to hear about. And get mad when I talk. And she's kind of overweight because all she does is sit around the house and eat. And she can't take care of her hair or her skin.. and it's all just so annoying and embarrassing .I mean, if I had a sister with Down's or something more serious, people would understand and be like awww I'm so sorry. But no one gets this or understands why I can't even talk to my sister without wanting to fork my eyes out..

i totally understand. I have a story similar to yours except I have a brother two years younger than me.I feel like no one understands what it's like to be me just like you and I feel alone and sometimes I just feel so bad I want to kill myself. But what I did is I found some really good true friends that didn't judge me from my brother and they helped me stay happy and keep on smiling.<br />

Hey as i read your story i identified with so much. i am the oldest of 4 girls. the 3rd is the one who has AS, she was diagnosed about 5 years ago. until that point it was really hard to go out, have friends over, go on trips, even going to family things was hard. after she received the diagnosis my grandma started to read up on what AS is which has really helped because they have taken her for a week so that my parents and other sisters can have some 'normal' time. <br />
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another thing is if you are feeling depressed TAKE CARE OF IT!!!!!! i have suffered from depression off and on my entire life and it finally got to a point where i couldn't control it anymore. i am not on antidepressants and going for counselling which is helping a lot. and i know you say you are looking forward to going away to collage but you also need to develop coping skills for when you are home. <br />
the biggest thing though that i have found that help especially when describing AS to people who have no idea what it is Big Bang Theory, Sheldon is an Assbie and when people know about him it makes it easier to explain what we are going through. and if you have never seen Big Bang - it is a must because Sheldon's friends have developed ways to deal with him and those ways have helped my family and i.<br />
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Hope that helps. and if your mom doesn't understand you when you talk to her write a letter. it helped me <br />
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Hey<br />
<br />
I am a brother to a sister with AS, the whole childhood thing and the breaking my things and the being strange in public. It all took my back to my childhood. <br />
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Please trust me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will be fine. right now you are venting and that is a good thing, thats what this forum is for. You already know why all of the things happen. Its not your fault its not your sisters fault and its not your parents fault. <br />
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I know how frustrating it is, trust me I do. keep venting and telling people how you feel. It helps. <br />
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Your parents shouldn't just stand there. They must be able to see what she's doing to you. If you're having trouble with your parents, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. There is someone out there that definitely can help you. You just need to find them. :)

I just can't wait till i go to college and finally get away

I resent my mum for most of it aswell.<br />
Its not fair. not to mention since they get away with so much they just get used to it anyway so they never learn. It's like you can't have a normal life and your parents don't make it any easier. But your problems are never tended to. They have been now but that's only because I have had severe depression which I hid from my mum. Until things were like obviously wrong. She didn't know the half of it though.<br />
The highschool thing just adds too it. And people ask why is everything broken in your house? why can't I come over? Because my brother... Well just tell him to **** off... and I just shake my head. Wish it was that easy ofcourse In a normal house if you did that your parents would be like "well you didn't have to say **** off but its stupid that you aren't letting her have her friends over".<br />
I totally get it.

thank you i feel a little better knowing that. i only have 2 more years of torture after this year is finished. i just wish people werent so cruel. she didnt ask to be born like this. why do people have to be so mean.

My sister has aspergers and we are only two years apart. I completely relate to what you are saying about being in high school and dealing with that. High school kids are cruel enough, but when you are constantly told that your sister is strange or a freak, it only makes it a million times worse. Just know that when you get to college, it does get better. That's where I am now and my life has gotten much better. Not completely, but the fresh start helps. You can make your own identity and you are no longer the girl with the weird sister. Hang in there.

im known as 'the retarded girl's sister'

I do understand to a point Mildred93!! My heart goes out to you!!! {{{{HUGS}}}}<br />
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My husband daughter is Ausburger. She is now 30, but my husband still has to deal with the stress that she can cause the entire family.<br />
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I only wish you the best and if you need someone to talk to anytime...I have an ear to listen!!!