My Sister

This is so hard to write. You don't know how much I have longed for a resource like this for people like me. My sister (19 years old) has Aspergers Syndrome and NVLD. Even though I am 2 years younger, I have forever felt like I am the older one, having to take care of her and look after her. It's one thing for my parents to look after her at home, but I was the one standing up for her in middle school, the one worrying about if she studied for the test, and the one driving her around in high school. In fact, a week ago I cleaned up her dorm room at college (took 5 hours!) and hauled it down to my car while she just wandered around her campus. Now that she's home for the summer it's making me realize that the past year has been great because I only had to worry about me. 

She cannot have a conversation with me without saying "F*** you!" or flipping me off, which makes me feel SO unappreciated. It kills me to say it, but I cannot stand being around her. This lifetime has made me resent her, and wonder what it is like to have a "normal" sibling. Arghh. Tell me I'm not alone? Tell me I'm a bad person?

samulli samulli
6 Responses May 18, 2009

Tonight my 19 year old "Asperger's sister" (mild at best... I personally think more of her issues are self-worth related) came down to my room ranting and arrogant and refused to leave. I am 21 and home from college for the summer. I had to call my dad to remove her. It took him 10 minutes to convince her (like convincing a psychopath with a gun) to leave. This is not the first time I felt like she could explode any second and do irreversible damage. And it wouldn't be the first time she had.I hate her. I have loved her my whole life, our whole childhood, had compassion and energy for her even though she embarrassed me with everyone. At school I couldn't go a day without teacher's asking me if I had a spare pair of clothes for "B" as she had another "accident"... she couldn't go a night without wetting the bed. As she gets older I resent her, with every bone in my body. She's awkward in public, doesn't know how to start, have, or stop a conversation. She rambles all about herself for hours to whatever poor stranger will listen. Yet I have literally never heard her extend so much as to ask "how are you?". She's so anti-social at home that you never know if she's home. She wears headphones 24/7, hides in her room, never cleans her room or bathroom (which always wreak), doesn't flush toilets, never makes eye contact, never answers unless you visually see her and call her out, dodges us (5 family members) in the hallway, tiptoes through the kitchen. She disgusts me. In the last year she has physically and verbally torn me apart. She can't relate to me. If I don't smile and nod and keep a low profile then we have huge altercations. Asking her something as simple as "can you clean the dishes?" is a huge risk. She is a time-bomb. Always defensive if she has to leave the comfort of her room (even she has to eat). She's obsessive. She's spent days sitting making little origami stars and painting them different colours to sell for profit. She has zero concept of how businesses, supply/demand work. She bakes a good hundred dollars worth of ingredients with so much left over dough that she puts several containers of it in the fridge and eats it raw over the next month. Evidently, she's also insane. I've had to lock myself in my car as she banged on the windows like a possessed zombie to get at me. She's physically had me pinned down and beaten me up twice. My mum had to pull her off me... I had to tell my date (the stars were aligned and my pre-teen crush asked me out after happen stance running into him at the mall 6 years later) the next day that I had an altercation with a dog (true enough!). This is the tip of the ice berg with her. She is such a burden and liability for my family... from calling the cops on my parents for nothing, for kicks, to leaving candles on behind curtains. But I have the best parents in the world that have never given up on her, even if she has always been the super squeaky wheel. Thousands of dollars, time, tears, therapists - for her and them. I hate her for not being able to grow up and support them as they are 60 now. I want my dad - a 40 year smoker - to quit so badly. He's survived cancer once. My sister has no concept of how much of a chronic pain she is to my parents and us other 3 kids... the other two are younger than her. She doesn't allow them to avert their focus. I'm over being the "neglected oldest". I've always been fine on my own. I'm about to start medical school. She's about to start her first year of college (despite our two year age gap its taken a while to get her "college ready") ...which I doubt that she is. My parents think she will crash and burn being away from home... she's been hard pressed to hold down a job working the cash at McDonald's. I AM SO ANGRY with her for every punch, p!ss, averted gaze, and flushed dollar that had to fund putting up with her evil eccentric existence. She's either a ghost or a monster. Such a lame excuse for a sister.

I'm really late but I wanna say my sisters the exact same way!! I'm the youngest but I feel older than her. I just feel like you described me! I love but I sometimes I can't stand her! My parents choose her over me for everything to avoid a tantrum and I also can't talk to her with out her cussing me out!

It's good to know that someone else feels the same way. I have come to kind of resent my sister. She can't have a normal conversation with me, and always ends up yelling. I don't like spending time with her. I ask her basic questions about her school day, or what she did last weekend, and don't get an answer. <br />
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It's really hard, especially because she only acts like this at home. At school, she has friends, and treats them nicely. I feel like a doormat.

Don't waste too much time wondering what it's like to have a "normal" sibling. He can be a nightmare a lot of the time, but overall I get along with my brother with Aspergers better than I usually do with my "normal" sister. <br />
I suppose life and human relationships are full of ups and downs and injustice and unnecessary crap whether there are "disorders" involved or not. <br />
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I often worry about what will happen when my brother moves out though (IF he does move out). I feel for you having to still look after your sister like that. It shouldn't be your responsibility, and it's unfair that this happens. I'm at college myself and my mom still needs my help dealing with my brother at home. You're not a bad person! You do a lot and it can be incredibly frustrating, especially without any show of appreciation. Lots of people would just cut ties instead of helping. Hopefully you and your family find a way to balance the load better! (Hopefully we all do)

you're not. my brother is 17 and i am 13. i know how it is, to not be able to stand being around them, im constantly in a bad mood also. its just hard,

You are NOT alone and you are NOT a bad person. Our lives have been forever changed by having a special needs sibling in our families. As you get older and have your own life, independent of your immediate family, you'll feel better. You are not your sister's keeper you need to have your own life. If anything it is your parents who should be watching over her and not you. It was their choice to bring her into this world. You can love your sister with boundries that keep you from being hurt or feeling guilty. Set the boundries and you'll set yourself free.