I Am So Embarrassed By Her

I’m really glad I found a site like this. I always thought that my sister was too different and that no one would ever understand why she was like she was.

I have never talked about my sister before to really anyone. She is 3 years older than me, nearly 21 now, but she doesn’t act like it at all. I was always embarrassed that no one would understand her and the way she acted and I thought it would effect the way people would act around me too. I didn’t want to be known as the girl who had the ‘weird’ sister.

My parents didn’t know she had aspergers until late on in her school life. They thought she was just being difficult or selfish, but she has few friends and often spent her time alone at school. It was not until the bullying really started that things started to change. My mum found her in her bedroom one time after school, sobbing, with packets of tablets she had nicked from the medicine cupboard all over her floor.  Thankfully she was alright but after that she couldn’t go to school anymore. She couldn’t cope with the stress of the work or the bulling of the other kids so she left and stayed at home.

Home is where she spends her whole time now. She hardly ever goes out unless it is something that she wants or is her new obsession to have. This is mostly just computer games but now she won’t even go out to get them thanks to the easiness of the internet. We haven’t been on a family holiday for 5 years. My parents always go off on their own somewhere as we cannot leave my sister on her own for very long. So I stay at home and look after he while my parents go abroad.  She wont even go to family gatherings such as parties or anything so it isolates us from the rest of our family alot.

Sometimes I hate the way i have to change my life to work around my sister. Firstly i cant have people round my house because of her.  I am embarrassed of what she will do as she is so socially awkward it would just ruin it. I go round to my friends houses and we can do what we like there and have fun and it makes me realize how that could never happen at my house. She has a habit of knocking on my door  during when i'm busy and she does not get the hint that I am unable to talk to her or that I want to. She has to tell me about the latest game she has brought or has played first no matter what I am doing. Another problem is her sensitivity to noise. I would love to have my CD player on. But whenever I do its always too loud for her so she will make a fuss and i have to turn it done so low just to keep her happy. I give up now and just have my earphones in and blast it out into my ears at night when she is asleep. It’s when we watch tv to. If we watch it together we have to have it on her level. Which means pretty low. She also has a habit of constantly saying her thoughts out loud. This has recently got worse. I hate listening to her having a conversation on her own as i know its not right and not good for her. Another reason why i don’t have people round. I mean who wants to listen to my sister speaking all the time when it is seen as being crazy.

My friends who i have at college are very nice and they would be very understanding if i told them. I think. Its just i know how they laugh at retarded people sometimes and talk about how doing certain things is retarded and they laugh. They don’t mean it horribly its just for a laugh but if i told them i know they would talk about her behind my back and treat me differently. And i don’t want that. I just want a normal sister who i can complain about how much she doesn’t share her make up with me. But that will never happen. My sister hates drink, smoking, driving and going out late. She thinks it is just wrong. There is just black and white in her mind. No grey. She doesn’t do any girly things like clothes. Why she spends most of her time in her pjs and she doesn’t wash a lot. I am so embarrassed by that. She also cut off all her hair once for no reason and I have no idea why she did.

I am embarrassed whenever we have to go out together. Everything about her from the way she speaks to the way she walks when out is just so not normal that i hate it and am just embarrassed. I don’t want people to make fun of her and I dread meeting anyone I know when we are out.

I get on quite well with her compared to others of you with your brothers and sisters. Rather than being angry all the time she is the complete opposite. She wants love and hugs ALL the time and she calls me silly names that a five year old could have come up with it. I tend to be in a bad grumpy mood whenever she talks to me as I just don’t want to talk to her. I’ve noticed this more recently and i think i maybe becoming depressed as just everything in my life is falling apart and I hate having to keep the secret of my sister. Everyone thinks I  

have a perfectly normal family and I can’t keep making excuses anymore. I have my whole life.

I have many depressive friends and I have to put up with their many complaints and when it comes down to them being annoyed at their sister because she doesn’t do as they say it makes me just want to cry.

I could go on with the things she can’t cope with or does strangely but I’ve noticed this is getting a little long already.

But I’m worried about the future as I don’t know what she happen to her. She can’t look after a house by herself as she can’t do anything and she will never be able to get a job. I feel that when my parent die later on, when I have a husband and a house and possibly kids, she will be dumped on me because she has no one else and I will have to act like I am now. And I don’t want to anymore.

I’m spending a month in Africa this year and I hope this will give me a break from the whole situation. Again it’s great I found this place where it shows there are other people too who have siblings with Aspergers and that I’m not the only one who feels like I wish she was either not born or just normal. I feel like i should make the effort around her but when I’ve had such a stressful day its just hard.

Thanks for reading I really needed to get that off my chest.

TypOqueen TypOqueen
18-21, F
11 Responses Feb 18, 2010

This is such a late reply, but I know what you are describing here. Both me and my relative in my house have this, but he is much lazier than me.

I've forced myself to learn social cues, expressions and I force myself to go outside and work even though I am shy. But not him. He stays inside all day playing videogames, never bathes or brushes his teeth, and screams at anyone who bothers him. He ALWAYS has to tell me about his stupid games even though I keep telling him GET NEW HOBBIES. GET A JOB. AT LEAST GET ON DISABILITY AND CONTRIBUTE.

But he is too selfish and lazy to do it. And I will never accept his diagnosis as an excuse because I know he is capable of doing it. If I can struggle through and do it, so can he.

+And i'll add, I am still socially awkward. Not as bad as when I was a kid, but I will always be the awkward shy one of the group. I don't hide this, I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. I tell everyone I'm autie and to be patient with me, but I always do my part in trying to accommodate neurotypicals and make them feel comfortable.

My relative is just self-centered and will tell someone straight to their face "I dont care what you want" and just do what he wants. HFA can never be used as an excuse for being a jerk or being unhygienic. He will not bathe unless I threaten to throw him out and he will not ever brush his teeth, even the dentist can't make him, so his breath always smells like a dead animal. If someone complains he will breathe in their face on purpose because he's an *****. I can't tell you how many times he's almost gotten beat up over his selfish attitude.

My sister is the exact same-I am 14 she is 17, we most of the time get along , she sleeps in all day and when me and my mum try to go out she shouts really loud and screams down the road and spits at us, she is violent and I feel like parents take her side because "she can't help hitting me or spitting at me every day". I also get dizzy from stress which is caused by this, and my sister only has a mild form.

I'm in the exact same boat, you know I was just about to post a lot of things I needed to get off my chest that were exactly the same behaviours! <br />
My older sister was just diagnosed with aspergers in her twenties as well (I'm 4 years younger). It's really hard for me, and even harder when she usually won't say a word to anyone, or answer anything you ask her. You should in a way be thankful that she talks to you and tells you her interests. I have no idea what she gets up to, although she's a great cook and artist, she won't have the drive to make a living out of either.<br />
She's isolated from everyone too, and I also fear what will happen when my parents die later on. A really alarming thought.<br />
She's brought a lot of negativity and angst to my family, nothing has gotten better over the years. <br />
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Though I'm sure we will find a way to cope as we get older and accept our siblings no matter how bad they can make us feel. I am glad there's other people who feel the same. We just have to be strong

Same thing with me. Feel so embarrases about my brother. Since I was a teenager I stopped inviting people to the house. And now I dont even talk to him. He is 32 and I am 30. He is very agressive verbally so I pretty much keep away from him

I'm glad i'm not the only one that feels EXACTLY how you feel. i'm 16 and my sister with aspergers is 19. she is so socially ackward, i would be so embarrassed when we were in high school together and people would find out that we were related and whisper and ask ackward questions about why does some of the weird things she does. i have my group of girlfriends that hang out and i sleepover with, but i'm afraid to have them over at my house because of my sister. whenever i try to describe how i feel to my parents, it comes out as me being mean to her and not compassionate. they automatically get mad at me and tell me to stop. if feel like they take her side in everything. this is so frustrating.

Hang in there :) it will get better. I will not say that I can understand your feelings,as I do not have a sibling with this problem. But few years back,with the new principal in my high school,she opens up availability in the school for children in need. So we actually have two students with aspergers syndrome. Both juniors in years. Both has different personalities and problems,like all other diagnosed with it. Somehow I got to know the older one more. I really liked her and I miss her so much,I wonder how she's doing at school. <br />
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Anyways,as an outsider in this matter,I do not feel the need to hide this fact from your friends. If they are 7,8 year olds at school,I would say that they might be teasing out of mischief. But they are definitely big enough to understand this problem now,and I believe,being such good friends to you,that is not going to affect anything in your friendship. Besides,they became your friend because of who and what you are. They do not go snooping around your family members first before becoming your friends. Be truthful,you won't believe how much better you will feel :)

One thing that struck me about this was when you said that your sister cut all of her hair off.<br />
My brother has ocd aswell as Aspergers (which i recently found out) where he pulls his eyelashes out because of stress. He's been doing this since he was 13ish. My brother is the same as in he's obsessed with computer games. I only found out a year ago about my brother having asperges (who's 21). I can totally relate to the embaressment though. The difference with your situation though is that your sister is constantly knocking on your door, etc.. whereas my brother is the complete opposite as in he's really with held. <br />
I think you should be more optimistic about the fact that your sister is always wanting hugs from you. You should def. keep the social side with her, i'm sure it'll be making her feel better knowing that she has you.

I know exactly how you feel. My brother barges into my room to tell me about whatever new magical vampire book he is reading verbatim from cover to cover almost. I just realized he has never once asked me anything about myself in 17 years. I'm on this site to deal with all the complicated feelings I have about him and he doesn't care about my day at work.

aww it must be diffuclt... don't worries my little brother who are 3 and half year old.. he have very serious high aspergers, he cannot talk or potty training or anything...<br />
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that all he do just dangerous thing like jump from high meters, screaming, escaped from home, trying to kill puppy, Climbing very quick, pull his nappy down so super fast and run like leopard lol<br />
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i understand how u feeling....

I know what you mean about not wanting to be the 'weird girl's sister' well, i am the 'weird girl's sister'. me and my sister are only one year apart so throughout almost all of elementary school... middle school... and highschool now everyone knows who she is and it is a night mare. i feel like i cant even be myself. kids are always making fun of her. i wish more than anything she went to a seperate school than me... so i dont have the luxury of keeping her a secret. my miserable life is on display everday in high school for people to laugh at and make fun of

Its nice to know that what im feeling is just normal. Thanks for your help I think I might try that. I need to focus on the good things :)