My Brother..

Noticing the changes slowly was easy enough. A bruise here or there, gradually a few more started to appear. Yet the reason for this apparently self harm was non existent. It's not like any of us have had a bad life. Money has never been a problem, love is unconditional from our mother atleast, our father is the strong silent type. But having a reason to self harm, seems a stretch into high school tv drama, a stretch too far for our normal family.
At a young age, my brother was subject to bullying froma girl his age. It was nothing serious though in his mind I'm sure he's making it out to be more than it should be. He has been, since then, withdrawn and seemingly anti-social. It makes sense, I suppose, to shut out a world that has hurt you.
Things were quiet after we moved, he kept to himself, never really getting involved in family. I guess you can say he became the person in the family noone wants to discuss. He made himself a little haven in his room, away from us and away from the world. This was when he stopped being my brother. Everyone around me had older sibling they could look up to, someone they could learn from. I had a closed door, behind it, the person I knew as a child long gone.
After years of struggling with my own demons, I started working, and maybe it's coincidence, but it tied in with my brother starting to hurt himself. The bruises became more visible, on his face, on his stomach and he would make the point of walking around without a top on so that we could see them. Then came his mental breakdown. One night, and I don't know why, something in him changed. Something said "no I can't take anymore of this". He asked to go to hospital, saying he wanted to be unconscious. Nothing else, just "unconscious". Noone really knew why. I'd popped outside for some fresh air when he ran. I came back in to find he was being held down by security and screaming while the nurses sedated him. It's been months since the breakdown and I still hear his screams loud and clear when I close my eyes. That night he was kept in a police cell, held under the mental health act. He was never a danger to anyone else but he was to himself.
Upon his release from the cell, he was transferred to a mental hospital I guess. Then moved wards for his protection, I presume he had done something to break their trust in him. The ward he was moved to, was more protected, every door had a lock and a special key to open it. When we went to visit him, he was reluctant to talk while I was in the room, telling me I had to leave. Most likely because our mum is soft and he probably thought he could convince her to take him home with us that day. She held her ground and because of this he hit his wrist and blamed mum. Saying she had broken it and he needed to go to hospital, neither of which was true.
A few days later, he was taken out of the hospital because mum and dad decided it wasn't the right place for him but I didn't think home was the right place either. He became distressed at home, uncooperative, ignorant and to me more than I could cope with. He was brought home by the police countless times for loitering amongst other things. I began not to trust him being out the house on his own. On one occasion he had his tongue pierced, then a few hours later decided he didn't like it and wanted it out. Whether it's due to his mental disablility or to the fact that he's not very grown up because of his secluded childhood, he thinks things can happen instantaneously, when he thinks of the idea, it should happen then. Which those who have grown up "normallly" would not think.
Since these episodes, there has been times when I thought the whole family was about to fall apart. He started watching **** downstairs on the family computer, he started walking around with only a towel on, still does that actually. He smoked in his room, bought 4 bags of sugar, attempted to dye his hair blonde, bought lots of bright red lip gloss, the list is endless. Maybe it's my age, and probably my immaturity too, but I don't know how best to cope with this sort of behaviour. I'm doing the best I can but I get very angry, very quickly. He can look at me and my adrenlin levels go through the roof and i feel the urge to hit him.
I can't really remember the times when he was a brother to me, so all my life he has just been this non entity that has a name. I've never looked up to him, never respected him, never even known him enough to like him let alone love him. He is nothing to me, and never really has been. Most people would think I'm being harsh but it's a difficult position to be put in. The youngest child suddenly taking on the role of the eldest because the older brother is incapable of anything.
My mum doesn't understand what position all of this has put me in, I've always been the disciplinarian, the one who's strong enough to stand up and say no and deal with the confrontational consequences, so once I stood up to him. He was told he had to be dressed to come downstairs and he wasn't, I stopped him from getting food til he had gone upstairs and got dressed, but being who he is, he didn't take kindly to it. He hit me in the ribs, threw me to the floor, anything to stop me but I'm very much like my dad and I don't give in. He was in just a towel and at one point it fell off, he refused to put it back on til I'd moved and let him do what he wanted, but I screamed and screamed til he did it. Towards the end it got more violent, he was trying to punch me and I hate that my little sister had to see it because she never ever needed to be subjected to anything like that. No child should have to watch adults fight. But I had to make a point, I had to show not everyone is going to back down to him, that's why when he hit me in the ribs I got straight back up and fought back. I wont let him destroy me, even though everything he has done, everything I have been subjected to, tears me up inside everyday. I don'tmind being a second parent to my little sister, I should never have had to take that role with my "older brother". The nothing that lives upstairs, the darkness you hear creeping around, the silence that can sometimes be so loud.
He lacks any comunicational skills, he's rude, disgusting but I don't hate him, I feel nothing for him. Nothing i the slightest, maybe it's harsh, but if he died, right now, just dropped dead infront of me, I'd still feel nothing. He is the disgusting pervert that has subjected me to more than I should ever have had to seen, he is the pointless entity that isn't fit to live in a family home because he doesn't know how to be in a family, he takes and takes and has no understanding of giving. This is my so called older brother, the nothing.

Phynn Phynn
4 Responses Mar 18, 2009

So, not to be rude, but you're a girl? And you kick your older brother's butt and yell at him when he misbehaves? That's ballsy.<br />
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I have AS and growing up really sucked. I became more functional as I went but looking at others' stories it seems I was lucky enough to be considered "high functioning" though it didn't feel that way growing up.<br />
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Seems your brother doesn't really want to learn and wants to feel sorry for himself. I had a couple self destructive phases myself but I came out of them fine. Luckily I never did anything to harm myself or my life too badly and having AS you have a low tolerance for chemicals anyway so drinking or pot smoking you get your buzz more then quickly and little is required.<br />
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Anyway try Adderall if you haven't already. It's worked for me and my automatic negative thoughts I've had since mom died two months ago in March and since it's processed through the liver it doesn't affect the brain. That's very important because of the chemical low tolerance thing AS people have. Every medication I've been on the side affects weren't even worth it.

He still lives at home, he's still the person behind the door, I don't see him because I work, and when I do i don't recognise him.

No. I hate that there's nothing I can say to help. You tried your best to understand him but it seems that he's on a world of his own. Where is he now?

am i too harsh..?