The Quest Of 4ever : Life

I have loved, I have lost. I have cared and I have hated. I am angry and confused and I don't know what to do. I have no idea where to start from. My story?..... Well its far too long. its on going and never ending that's for sure. my house is NOT NORMAL. So its quite normal for the unusual to happen every other day.

there is no beginning and no end, thus i star with what hurts most.

I am the eldest daughter with a brother and two sisters. my mother falls sick every other day. she is practically unpredictable. its been more than 2 years now.

my mother collapsed in my hands. I was at my neighbours house. they had thrown a party and had invited me to join them. I wasn't in a party mood at all. my sister barely 8, came rushing to me. " something is wrong with mom!"
I rushed home at lightening speed and a terrible scene met my eyes. I saw my mother collapse and fall to the ground. she would have hit the hard marble floor had it not been for the adrenaline rush that took control of my limbs as i rushed to her. my sister told me she was complaining of dizziness and a head ache.

my siblings looked up to me with their small and worried faces. their eyes wet with tears clinging to their eyelashes. "what's wrong! what's wrong with mama? why is she lying on the floor?" asked my 4 yr old sister. I couldn't answer, my tongue was too heavy. all I could say was "ma...ma.... wake up" again and again and again. I was barely 14. I splashed water on her face. I shook her shoulders. her weight was crushing my legs. she was completely unconscious barely breathing properly. I called the ambulance. i called my father my uncle. they said they were on their way yet there was no kidding. i knew it would take them a long time to reach. the office was far off from where we lived. half an hour had passed. there was no change in her condition. the same as ever. all I could do was call to her repeatedly. I couldn't hear anything except my mothers rough and dry gasps of breath. my brothers and sisters painful cries and the pounding of blood in my ears. all I could see was my mother's lifeless face laying on my lap with streaks of water on her face which I had splashed. in futile attempts to wake her up. I could see the tear streaked faces of my siblings around me hoping I would somehow magically save the day. my father arrived. yet there was no sign of an ambulance. my uncle arrived with my grandma (mother's mother). we knew it was stupid to wait for the ambulance. my father my uncle and I, we hurled my mother into the driveway and into the back seat of the car. my grandmother is elderly and thus could not drive with us to the hospital. I handed her the crying and broken kids. and put on Dora the explorer on for the little one who got engrossed into it in no time. I got into the trunk (dickie) of the car since my father and uncle sat in the front/ driver seat.{ the trunk was comparitavely spacious than normal cars}

we drove to the hospital at top speed and rushed her to the emergency. she was laid onto a gurney and taken to the trauma room. I wasn't able to look at what was going on in there. but they injected some medicine into her system which revived her. thank God!
i could hear the stiffness in my muscles as I moved. it was a scary day. but what made it worse was, it wasn't the first time I had took care of her on her collapse. she had collapsed before. fainted the very same way. the first time was when i first rode in the ambulance. she had been unable to breathe causing the collapse. and amazingly pathetic it is that the ambulance's oxygen cylinders had run out of gas. the trip to the hospital had to be at lightening speed, since such a long time of lack of oxygen can cause severe brain damage and she had bee out for around 25 mins already.

this is barely the start of what i have been going through. being the eldest i have to take care of her all the time... she is sick practically all the time. i have to watch my words for anything can trigger a collapse or maybe worse. she is at risk of a heart attack even though she is barely 35. my father isn't home most of the time. i only see him at weekends. he is asleep when I leave for school early in the morning. gone to work when I come home. he gets off from work at around 7-7.30 max. he heads down to play snooker or hang out with his friends and comes home late at night when I am already in bed. he loves all of us dearly. but is rarely around. sometimes its like being a parent instead of a kid.
i am tired. i have been doing this for a very long time and I am starting to break down and lose control. its terrible for me to look at her like that in such agony.... in such pain. it practically kills me. i did not have any intention to join any group but i came here... to know if i am alone to be dealing with something like this or there are more like me. who face this reality of life. please befriend me. not because you feel sorry for me. but to tell me that we are all in the same boat. that i am not alone. because i am alone in this world. I don't have anyone to talk to. my friends at school don't really care. and I don't have any one to talk to at home.

you found out who your true friends really are in times of need.

holding on 4 you....
i love you mother. <3

PS: My neighbours where i went to were my father's parents. his uncles and aunts. they knew what had happened. they heard what my sister told me. and they know my mother had collapsed since they sent someone to check on me. I told them to please come and help since i was all alone. and yet they did not bother.
that is what i mean when i say...." I HAVE LOVED....AND I HAVE LOST"
i care for them with my whole heart but at the same time i hate them for being un human and heartless towards our family. its difficult to believe people like this truly exist but the truth is... they do.

holdingon4u holdingon4u
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

I am battling a similar situation, except I am now 29 and this has been going on for many years now. You are not alone, but I am at a loss for a solution. I have spoken with a counselor. My only option is to move far, far away and live with the guilt of not being my mothers caretaker.

its endless... i know. and i know its practically impossible to dream of a magical solution. accepting it is what has made me survive. ive had councelling too. and i dont mean to hurt your feelings in any way. but you are the only one who has contacted me... i am truly grateful. and i dont want you to regret this. i know im in no position to make this call. but are you sure you will be able to survive the guilt?
im too young to move out... so well i dont have a choice... no matter how bad i want to "pick up and leave"
but she nutured me and sacrificed her days and nights to raise me and was there for me everytime i was sick. its the least i can do to repay the favor. i dont doubt she wanted to give up being a mother once in a while. but she didnot give up on me.
i cant give up on her.
you are older. and you have done this longer than i have. so its your call. do it if you think its best. thankyou.... for sharing. atleast now i know.... im not alone. i owe you one. i dont mean any offence. plz dont take it that way &lt;3

:holdingon4u