Harder Than I Thought It Would BeMy wife and I have been married for over 28 years. During the last three, she has been physically disabled. I love her dearly, but our relationship has changed. I feel, I am more of a security blanket and less a partner. I have become more like a butler and less like a help mate. She has always suffered emotionally from depression and anxiety, but now she has also been diagnosed as bipolar. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting. I am very non confrontational and I am a very patient person. I feel that I am strong, but this is harder than I ever thought it would be. Her pain is so great that my pains never really matter. Her suffering is so great that my problems are minor. Yet, I still desire compassion and caring. I miss the hugs and the encouragement. What am I saying? I miss the physical contact all together. Not necessarily just the sexual contact, (although that would be great), but I miss her head on my shoulder as we watch TV, a big long hug, or spooning in bed at night. All these are a thing of the past. I feel guilty for wanting it back. I am healthy. I am strong, but here I am crying out to people that I don't know, hoping that someone will understand my pain.
This is not easy for me to write. I am a very private person and I pride myself on being there for her. But tonight, I am going to allow myself a little weakness. Tonight, I am going to look for a little compassion because later I will go to bed and wake up in the morning and I will be there for her: stronger for sharing my weakness with you.