So Many Roles

To protect ourselves from being hurt, we build invisible walls and allow certain people in at certain times to see certain sides of us.

We project an image of what we think people want us to be in order to be loved and accepted.

Our behaviour changes to fit into the different roles in our lives - mother, daughter, sibling, colleague, lover, wife, etc.

We hide behind our masks and play different roles in different situations to allow ourselves to fit in - unwritten laws of society which dictate how we are expected to behave in each of our roles. Sometimes we are lost in these roles and forget who we really are and what our needs are and lose touch with our inner selves.

We feel isolated and often the yearning becomes so strong that we do things in secret

 

 

 

titfortattoo titfortattoo
36-40, F
3 Responses Sep 30, 2007

I feel your pain. You and I are children of narcissists. You must learn who you are and how you really feel and not be afraid to say things that may **** someone off. You must learn the lie...then kill it. You must learn the truth and then live it. The lie is that you are worthless. The lie is that you don't matter. The truth is that you are special and unique and put on this planet for a specific purpose. Someone out there loves you...you the way you are right now. Jesus is that person. God does not want you to change to know Him. He wants you to know Him and trust Him and this WILL change you. You may or may not believe in God and Jesus as Lord...but I tell you this my friend. He knows you. And you will spend eternity somewhere...with Him or without Him. How can I talk to you this way? Because I am of the worst of sinners. I was a drug user, theif, liar, adulteror, mean to children, child of a narcissist, murderer (for I hated people in my heart), I am bipolar, idolator, you name it I have done it. If I know that I am saved...I know you can be. Actually...you are saved. Jesus already paid the price for your soul. Only one thing is required...you must open your heart to him and believe in Him. Get out of the darkness and walk into the light (spiritually). It can be done. But it requires humility. Do you have it in you? Can you get on your knees....it is easy! But is this something you can do? Are you a sinner or aren't you? I am. I am a sinner. Save me Lord cause without you I AM in hell.<br />
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Any way this wall is a wall around your heart. I am 38 years old and I didn't cry until about 8 months ago. That is when I tore down the wall in my despair and cried out to Jesus. I am a child of a malignant narcissist. She thought she was God and I was deceived and when she punished me I accepted the punishment and in my own heart punished myself because I believed I was entirely worthy of punishment. I didn't give myself a break. My mom would scream at me...call my dad to whip me and then I would go to my room and in my anger rip at my own flesh and bite myself and punch myself. Kids at my school fed the monster. I was a walking target and there was a host of cruel children who took their anger out on me. Many of them are in jail now. Efrin (mexican), Eric Blomberg (white), Some red haired freckled kid (Irish), a black kid, Greg Wolf (a rich kid who later played the violin. Symbolic of the hypocrite), Judd. There were many more. They would stalk me in the park after the bus dropped us off. I would usually try to hide in the bushes along the gate on the edge near the aquaduct and sometimes I would make it home without a beating. I would have to wait outside our own house for a couple hours till my parents got home from work and the cruel monsters knew this and would follow me to the front yard of our house and punch me, throw me down on the ground and kick me and spit on me calling me names. I was not afraid of them and wouldn't have feared fighting back save for the fact that I felt this is what I deserved. My parents would get home and my mom would tell me to go in the back yard and pull weeds. Of course I would have to pull weeds with my bare hands ...nutgrass...I would be back there for hours shaking my fist at God as if it was his fault! Later I would tell my mom that kids beat up on me and she would always deny it till one day they came home early from work to Efrin stomping on me in front of the house. He turned to jump on his bike and I nailed him in the head with the newspaper while my dad chased him down the street in the van. My mom still denys that things were as bad as I said...she denies anything happened at all!!<br />
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Your words are so true my friend. I played the part everyone wanted to see and said what (I thought) everyone wanted to hear. I lost touch with who I really was...and I am still a bit confused. There seems to be nothing left of my self but a desire to tell the truth about everything...which leads me to what I am doing right now. Ultimately I put myself in Gods hands...I read the Bible...the Book of truth...discover revelation upon revelation upon revelation. When I started getting personal revelation it was quite exhilarating and scary at the same time. WHen it was reveiled to me that the bible is perfect truth...like a giant jigsaw puzzle that you never can fit all the pieces together...because the more you fit together the better you can see the BIG picture but the more pieces you place the more that you have left...you are never done with this puzzle. It was reveiled to me that God was real and Jesus was who he said he was for real. It was like God shining a light on me and for a moment I was in danger. Being bipolar and a child of a narcissist...when I had this revelation of God for a brief moment I thought I was the only one who knew and so elevated myself above all men and for a nanosecond above God....then I got snapped back. Wait...hold on a second. Hold on...I started to come back to reality and realize...that is wrong. It is a lie that I am better than others. A paradox...I can be immensely (infinitely) special to God and so can others. God is not an earthly father...he doesn't divide attention among his children. All are equal in his sight because all are His made for Him and by Him. He made me good and unique and perfect for Him. At the same time He has done the same for you and everyone on this earth. The truth? Mankind can't handle the Truth!!! The truth is that they are all loved...even the mislead children who beat me when I was weak. I pray that God finds them and that they learn humility before they die. All of us will be spending an eternity somewhere...with Him or without Him. God does not condemn man to hell. He volunteers.<br />
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I hope this points you in the right direction.

You speak the truth.

All so very true.....society have us in its thrall