The Black Hole In My Life

it's been over 6 years since i've been face to face with my father.  he's cost my family hundreds of thousands of dollars only because he's a spiteful son of a ***** who will do literally anything to make my mom and me suffer.  he stalked me for 2 years, verbally/physically/and emotionally abused me ... i could go on for days.  he ****** with my head so much that i had to be sent to an emotional growth boarding school across the country to heal and deal with all the **** he put me through.  he's insane and slowly killing himself by refusing medication and being an alcoholic.  my little brother still talks to him because he's in denial about everything, but slowly he's seeing his dad's unusual habits, distorted logic and sophisticated manipulation techniques, uncontrolled anger, and severe deppression that churns to produce the mendacity that is my father's life.  some days i look back and feel like my childhood is one exhausting, tragic lifetime movie. 

i can't begin to imagine where, and who, i'd be if i had been raised by a good dad.  i can count on 1 hand the good memories i share with my father - a few hockey games, Frank Sinatra,  the crazy series of stories he'd make up for my brother and me, going for midnight walks on the beach, and visiting his family in Rhode Island.  i try not to think of his parents, sister, and all my cousins on that side of the family because it hurts so much knowing that i can't communicate with them because i can't trust them. 

now that i'm in college and have gone through years of rehab and healing therapy, looking back on all the time i spent with him feels like i'm leaning over a giant black hole.  anyone who knows my story says i should write my autobiography, but honestly there's it's all so dense that i have no idea where to begin. i still carry so much pain and have the scars to remind me daily of how i was forced to live under his stolen roof.  i'm majoring in psychology and am toying with the idea of opening something like a rehab by the beach or maybe just working under an alternative practice.  

when i do think of him, i always wonder if we'll ever speak again.   

jbirdy jbirdy
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 13, 2009

jbirdy, how tragic that your father is the way he is. I commend you for first finishing school and then going on to college! That is quite an accomplishment for anyone these days, let alone children brought up in unfit homes. Maybe I shouldnt say unfit. Lets say, turmoil. My apologies! Anyway, live your life to the fullest and make the most out of it. Do not ever allow anyone to bring you down! Learn from your past, it makes you stronger in life. I believe your friends are right. Write a book, not only is it therapeutic, it might very well be of help to others.

dansktex, first I want you to realize that you arent selfish. If you chose to be with your lover and are gay, well, that is your choice to make and thats not selfish hon. We often make choices that others dont agree with but yes, as you said, we make our own choices.

You are in a good place yourself. You don't need his <br />
<br />
approval. It is sad. My dad sucks too. But I have a good <br />
<br />
life and great kids. Your childhood was tragic but the<br />
<br />
rest of your life will be so good. It really will!

Why do you care? Just because he was your father does not make him worth caring for if he has acted so badly toward you and your mother. Move on with your life. It's important to remove him from your daily thinking patterns if you ever want a meaningful life. As I said to my parents when I stood up to them when pushed to spend my holidays with them rather than my gay lover: Parents have children for selfish reasons--to please their parents, to shut up their parents, to keep up with the Joneses, to keep the marriage going, to have their own baby doll, etc. The children have the right to be selfish, too, and make the life that is right for themselves.