Battered Male

His wife of 5  years berates him constantly and I mean constantly.  My son is a sensitive man who only wants to have a normal life with his family.  He has two children -- one 4 year old daughter and a newborn son.  I knew his wife was bad but she's a sick person as witnessed by many.  Before our son got married, his friends and family all warned him not to, but I have to assume he saw things in his wife that we did not.  They broke up just before they got married because he said she turned "mean".  They had been living together when this happened for maybe a year.  He should have left her then but when she found out that he started a relationship with another woman, she called up that woman and told her to leave him alone and turned on the charm.  It worked and they got married shortly after that. 

It was a storybook wedding -- 20 family and friends attended in Hawaii.   She was intense there too, but we all expected that.  Just to give you a quick story.   She had asked two of her sisters to be in the wedding.  They were late coming up to her hotel room prior to the wedding so she then put my daughter on the spot to be her maid of honor, even though her sisters did make it up to her room before the wedding.  This is the kind of bazaar behavior this woman has repeatedly exhibited. She's quick to condemn those around her, especially family.

Shortly after they were married, (let's call her Jane), Jane took over completely.  My son (let's call him Rick) didn't know what hit him.  Jane has no limits to what she says in front of people.  She treats Rick like a slave.  She has isolated him from family and friends, especially family.   When they had their first child, my husband and I naturally wanted to come see the baby.  Jane gave word, through my son, that they didn't want company for awhile, say a month or so.  I thought this quite strange and put pressure on to come earlier.  We waited a week and went to see them.  We live in NY and they live in Atlanta.  Jane stayed in her room with the baby for almost the entire time we were there.  When she did come downstairs, she barked orders at our son repeatedly -- right in front of us.  This was our first real experience with her bahavior.  I had to go for walks with my husband to calm down so that I could get a grip.  We both thought that her hormones were perhaps running wild so we bit our tongues and stayed for 5 uncomfortable days.  We also cooked all the meals and cleaned her house and tried to stay out of the way as much as possible.   Rick's father (we are divorced) came to visit separately the week after with his current wife and son.  They could only stay for three days.  Jane threw a fit and would not come down, was rude, and kept screaming at Rick that he wanted that man (Rick's father) out of her house.  The baby was consequently screaming and when Rick tried to pick up the baby, Jane roughly grabbed her away from him.  Well Rick's father let her have it verbally by telling her what I really wanted to say -- that she was a ***** and that he had never felt so unwelcomed in anyone's house before.  Long story short, she actually called the police to have them leave. 

Since that incident, Jane has condemned most of our family.  They have gone to counselling.  The counselor, chosen by jane, pretty much told them that unless Jane is willing to change, that they have no chance of a relationship.  Jane refuses to admit she has any fault in their relationship.   She tells my son that he is a poor excuse for a man, that his parents did a sorry job of bringing him up, that he can't do anything right, that he is a cowardly little boy, etc.  It's only recently that I heard about what she says to him repeatedly as my son did not come forth with just how bad his life had become.   This I'm told is common in abusive relationships.

Our entire family has been walking on egg shells around Jane.  We don't have to see her often because of the distance between us, but we don't want to lose touch with Rick.  Our younger son got married 6 months ago and Rick was best man in the wedding and our grandaughter was flower girl.  Jane came along probably because she did not want their daughter to go without her.  She had refused to let their daughter come to visit when Rick's grandmother turned 90.  She was the only missing great grandchild.   Jane was cool to us, but at least there were no blowups. 

Shortly after that I found out that Jane had had my son arrested one week earlier.  Jane has been know to throw things around and destroy Rick's property.  She was about to tear down his extensive collection of cd's housed on a ceiling to wall shelf in front of their 3 1/2 year old.  She loses control when my son WON'T do what she says or if he ignores her.  He has since told me that he would not and will not argue in front of their daughter nor their newborn son.  Jane was in a rage.  Rick called the police and was trying to restrain her from destroying his CD collection (she had already done this once before) and Jane called the police too.  Even though Jane was the one out of control, my son went to jail for the weekend as it was a Friday and no judges were around the next day.  He volunteered to go so that Jane, who was 5 months pregnant, would not spend the weekend in jail.  Now he has this on his record.

There are many other stories.   When woman are abused, people accept it more readily, when a man is abused, people don't understand why he puts up with it.  Rick is afraid to lose his family.  He has stated to me that he took his wedding vows seriously.  We've had recent discussions and I believe that he knows that his relationship is destructive to him and the kids.  He wants custody.  He now has an arrest and a wife who has control over  Rick because he is a sensitive, caring individual who just wants to have a normal relationship. 

I want to help him but know I can't unless he helps himself.  He has started to keep a log of her abusive behavior and is trying to record some of her rants.   But, he's so isolated.  He openly admits that he's submerged in the situation and that it's hard to clearly see the impact it's having on him, his daughter (and eventually his son) and his extended family.  He's a good man and one may say that naturally I think that becuase I am his mother.  True, but so does everyone else.  He went to college, is very social, was the rush chairman in college, graduated 3rd in his class and has a degree in industrial engineering.  He's 36 years old.

Can anyone share any success stories from a parents prospective on how he can get out of this relationship and how we can help.

 

 

Kat11 Kat11
56-60
3 Responses Mar 1, 2009

I sure hope your Son doesn't wait to long<br />
before he finally leaves the situation,<br />
Stay Strong, he'll need you most then.

I'm sorry. That has to be so hard- watching everything happen to your son and not being able to help. I guess you just have to be there for him as much as possible and let him know that there is a place for him and his children to go if he needs a way out.

Your son really needs to grow a backbone...prehaps he is too frightened of the consequences for him if he leaves this B.....h..... What is the price for sanity...<br />
Does he have the means to engage a good lawyer?<br />
Like Dr Phil says...you teach people how to treat you....<br />
He needs to step up to the plate and set some boundaries with this woman...<br />
I hope everything works out for you and him.<br />
cheers