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A Sad Story

I was careless with an ex-gf of mine, and she got pregnant.  I have not paid a cent in support, nor have I been anywhere near him.  Of course, that is exactly 100% of my income now, so it's not like I'm rolling in the lap of luxury while they live in poverty. Actually, it's the other way around. Before I made the choice to give away all my property and live without income, I offered it all to her, and she refused because she doesn't need it; married into money. Edit: Try to resist the urge to comment until you've read the whole story.
Being in love makes a person do really stupid things, like trust someone that doesn't deserve trust.  I wasn't ready for a child, knowing that I had not overcome the issues my father had passed on to me.  I did not want to watch myself become like him, so I wanted to talk about abortion, but it was a non-issue for her.  She needed a purpose for her life, and saw this was her opportunity.  It wasn't about bringing a life into the world responsibly, it was simply for her own gratification.  Abortion was not an option, and the fact that I was bringing it up suddenly meant I was a murderer.
She brought four people with her, one woman and three big guys, to my apartment who were very abusive to me.  They tried to physically restrain me in my own place, because she had told them I was threatening her with violence, and that I wanted to murder her child.  I guess they were relatives of hers, and one of them said in his mind someone who would consider abortion is a murderer and should be treated as such, so I can see where she gets her ideas from.  She took her stuff and moved out of the province, and who knows where she went.
I don't blame her.  Her father supposedly had tried to cause her mother to miscarry, and she's got all kinds of damage from her upbringing from her neurotic mother, and from being molested by her step father.  I know why she is the way she is, and I do forgive her for all the ways she has wronged me and my kin.  After all, how can she help what she is?  I was a very damaged person myself, which is why I attracted someone like her in the first place.  Its just so sad to me that a little boy has been brought into the world in the middle of this ****** up situation, but I suppose there are kids born who have it far worse.  And looking at the situation now, I can see that adversity is not a bad thing, and that a life can turn out much the better for having been through a rough situation.
I have tried three or four times to make peace with my ex so that I could see my son but she has a way of driving me off, calling me horrible things and setting unreasonable conditions that I would have to follow.  I know I could've made a warzone out of it, but I grew up in a parental warzone, I would rather just let her have her way than do that to a child.  This last time I came to her, I offered her everything I had, and anything she wanted me to do.  I would have been her house servant...  I would've let her use my skin as a canvas to practice tattooing on.  Anything she wanted, that is what I offered her.
She doesn't need anything from me, she's got another man who she is pregnant again by who is all the support she thinks she needs, and I'm just a piece of **** to her.
She says when my son is old enough she will tell him about me.  I can only imagine how that conversation will go.  I would like a chance to be his friend, since I didn't get the chance to be his dad.  I can only pray that when he calls, I will have the right words.
NeonBlueMidnight NeonBlueMidnight 26-30, M 31 Responses Jun 9, 2011

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After Two long years for You, hope You could get to be the kid's friend.
Wishes n Prayers.

For one if your the father you have legal rights the same as the mother does. <br />
They can't use you preferring an abortion over having the child at the time. It is legal and so it was just a disagreement on how to handle the surprise you were dealing with. And for all you know you may have felt different a few days later. With her causing fights over it she sealed the deal. When someone gets angry at us and yells etc then were not feeling or thinking about our choice. No after thought. We stand our ground harder instead. She didn't give you a chance to come to terms with what was happening and think twice about your choice. If you really want to have visitation rights see a good attorney that specializes in that field. <br />
This may sound stupid to a man but you can write him letters. Keep them since she won't give them to him or read them to him. Start off explaining why your writing the letters and not mailing them. Be honest, open and let him know what kind of man you are. Those letters will prove that he was thought of often. If you don't get to see him as a child for some reason then you can send him those letters when he is of age, or deliver them yourself somehow. If he thinks and feels you have never cared those letters will prove different. It would be a nice gift to him if things turned out you don't get this resolved before he is an adult. <br />
As to how much money they have it doesn't change the fact that your the father. <br />
Good Luck.

I think that writing letters is a good idea. If I were to do that, I would send two copies of each letter; one to him and one to myself. I would leave my copy unopened. In this way you will at least have proof (postmarks) that you didn\'t one day write the letters upon suddenly wanting to be part of his life. Another option would be to send the letters so that they have to be signed for upon receipt.

These things happen. I only found out in recent years a relationship with a girl when I was in my teens resulted in a professor of Engineering now living in Australia in his twenties - I simply never knew.

I feel not sorry for you at all. You should have respected her decision. My ex was the same. He and my son have no real relationship. Children can tell when they are wanted or not. My son will not read the letters or write to his dad. his dad will not pay child support. Does not care about him at all until he is locked up in jail or prison. <br />
Be a man

Well done, you successfully passed on your spitefulness to your son. Poisoned the well did ya? Smart.

I'm sorry, I just have a hard time being as compassionate as I would like to be when self righteous people like you ride in on their high horses to insult and judge me, when they don't know me, hardly know a pittance of the situation, and probably haven't even read the whole story. With all due respect, go **** yourself lady. As if the situation isn't ****** enough, you have to come rub salt on the wounds.

You still have a chance to make it work you know despite your issues.Sorry to say this but you need to action,no matter how hard it is,sneak in.But I\'m afraid your son might have just seen you as just ***** donor in the future.My dad was just like you,plenty of excuses,only tried to visit when I was older needless to say that as much I want to tried to be friends with him,it\'s so difficult to emotionally connect with him.He seems to feel sorry for himself a lot.

Life is a series of difficult choices... none are ever 100% right or wrong... I hope that your son will one day face you and try to understand... do everything you can to be a part of his life... you are missing something very special... peace...

I hate you for abortion part and for being irresponsibly careless. Well, she was sure about having baby and I am happy atleast she wasnt murderer. Babies are miracle and they talk to their mother ever since they catch eggs. Trust me they do. You dint even try to support her pregnancy. That disgust me. Anyhow, its all history now. <br />
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I really want to cross my fingers and hoping that poor lil boy gets all the love and care he deserves from his step father. <br />
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Don't you want to see how your own ***** is growing just like you.. He could be ambitious, creative and many more. <br />
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As far as mother is concerned i think, i hope she knows what she is doing with her life. Because now another baby coming on her way and hope 2nd one need not see a another step dad. Sorry for that.

first you need to protect your self and now<br />
you need to talk witht he country and have them set up an account for child support and pay into it each month that protects you and at this point you can pick the amount this way <br />
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if she come after you for support you have alreaady taken that step she just has to prove the child in questions belong to you<br />
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like others have said right letters to the child and mail them back to you and box them un opened<br />
parential games are a pain

When your son grows up he will want to know why you did not try to see him, fight for him in court.<br />
It is not his mother's fault that you cannot see him, it is yours.You cannot blame her. It doesn't matter what happened in the beginning when she was pregnant and when he was born. What matters is now and being some part of his life. If you want him to believe the lies his mother says about you and you want him to think you never wanted to see him, then do nothing. Words from you later on in his life will mean nothing to him, only action will. He needs to see that you really tried to be a part of his life and did not just use his mother as an excuse to not see him. You are his biological father, stand up and be responsible and get your legal rights for visitation.If she has a temper tantrum, then so be it...but at least your son will see that you are trying to be a part of his life, by your actions, not just words . Actions do speak louder than words.

When your son grows up he will want to know why you did not try to see him, fight for him in court.<br />
It is not his mother's fault that you cannot see him, it is yours.You cannot blame her. It doesn't matter what happened in the beginning when she was pregnant and when he was born. What matters is now and being some part of his life. If you want him to believe the lies his mother says about you and you want him to think you never wanted to see him, then do nothing. Words from you later on in his life will mean nothing to him, only action will. He needs to see that you really tried to be a part of his life and did not just use his mother as an excuse to not see him. You are his biological father, stand up and be responsible and get your legal rights for visitation.If she has a temper tantrum, then so be it...but at least your son will see that you are trying to be a part of his life, by your actions, not just words . Actions do speak louder than words.

Hey so I can understand everything you said on your post please take a minute to watch this youtube video I think its the best idea cause then you cant loose the letters. http://www.youtube.com/user/googlechrome?v=R4vkVHijdQk&feature=pyv&ad=7411163457&kw=%2Bgoogle

couldn't you take legal action? you might not be able to, but that's just an option to think about. I grew up without a mom (she passed away) (i know, it just isn't the same, but still...) and it took a huge chunk out of my life. if i were in your child's position, i would definitely want to know my father even if i knew that abortion was discussed. i would be thrown off a little, but would still want to meet my father. i'm sure that when your son is older he will question his mother's actions and want to try and want to see you. good luck(: <br />
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*** a note to all you haters out there who have commented on this saying what a horrible person this guy is, grow some sensitivity! if you were scared and not knowing what your future would be like with the news of having a kid (on the abortion issue), you might react the same way. you think of different alternatives to handle a situation when you are scared in not knowing what to do. you will never understand unless you've been in a situation yourself.

Wow your story was very sad. You made your mistakes but now you are trying to make it right, and I truly hope that you can see your son. I'm only a teen, (so take this with a grain of salt) but if everything is okay financially, there is no reason why you can't see this woman in court. Your story almost teared me up. Good Luck, sir

I have seen this personally with my ex husband and i saw how bad he felt..i;m a women who looks to the other side and i see that too much women get all the credit.. as we should but when it comes from real honest guys like your self trying to do the right thing..well that ****** me off..in the court's eye's you are all evil..but i have witness men going through<br />
the same thing and getting who are the best people who would like to be your friend..unfortunately the courts will see you guilty before you even show up..i think it's wrong and when will we will judged truley innocent till proven guilty with all this bullshit going on?

It is a sad story, but the sadder part is that you've not even attempted to file for custody. Parents may try to keep a child away from the other, but there are laws against them doing this that could put them in jail if carried out. If you really want to be a part if your son's life, you will make an effort to do so. You can always tell if someone really wants something: they will make the financial sacrifice. And remember, eventually the truth comes out. No matter how many lies your ex tells your child, if he's right-hearted, he will see them for the lies they are.

I guess this falls under the "Sins of the father visited on the children." The past is gone and only can teach, so what is to be learned here? What is real love? Not some animal instinct of what do "I" need or want.<br />
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How do we break this influence of the father or parents so that those that are still unborn do not have to face this kind of situation? <br />
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This sounds hard but look forward to the future when your son will be able to make his own judgments and then maybe see life as it really is. <br />
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To help yourself heal find other ways to share your need to give, like Big Brothers.<br />
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PAX

There is a genius in you. Thank you.

This story makes me very sad. I can give another perspective as a grandmother of a child that is being kept from this side of the family. My son became involved with a woman that the entire family fell in love with. We obviously did not realize there was another side to her until it was too late. She became pregnant and although they were not married, we were all happy and excited about having a little girl come into the family. When she was 9 months old the mother decided she wanted to move in with a man twice her age and she took my granddaughter with her. My son was devistated and tried everything within his power to have her come back and work it out. He later admitted there had been other episodes of her cheating during the relationship with him always taking her back. Long story short, she got an order for child support for which he paid monthly until he lost his job. She had him picked up and thrown in jail for several days until we could come up with enough money to get him out. In court, she stated she wanted him kept in jail only to be released during the day to look for work. He was basically treated like a criminal. He has tried to file for visitation but he has been told by the court that he needs to bring his child support current before doing so. The mother is refusing to allow him visitation and has stopped allowing my granddaughter to visit me or any other family member. She has also told my grandchild that she can't see her father because he doesn't care enough to pay his child support, which in my opinion is abuse. She is only 5 years old and you can see the pain in her eyes when she speaks of her father because she doesn't understand. I have heard that straight from my granddaughter's mouth. My heart goes out to you NeonBlueMidnight. I am so tired of hearing about deadbeat dad's when in fact the mother can be absolutely toxic. This is the most painful experience my family has had to endure and I pray for my son and granddaughter every day. They are the victims here and the court system is a joke!

The world is filled with scared damaged desperate people. It is the children that suffer from it the most, as you say, because they don't understand. I come from a place of extreme anguish, so I at least have a gift of detachment; our children have not learned this skill yet, and it is a damn shame that they must, just to deal with our drama. We are all victims of a very sick society, and I pray for the wisdom to bring healing to it, instead of adding further poison. Thank you for sharing your point of view.

I think you have tried to be a parent, and I hope someday you get to meet your son. And it is just sad.<br />
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I fight depression and physical issues. There's a lot of times I've wished I hadn't been brought into this world. A good 20% of the time, I'd say. (wobbly, but tenacious)<br />
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None of us quite know what we're doing here, we're all just trying to do our best.

I've grown to accept who I am, which is essentially what brought me to change my mind about wanting to be a father. I used to hate myself, and I thought any child of mine would be better off without me. But now I realize that I have a lot to offer, but choices still have consequences even with a change of heart. I just hope its not too late.

It's only too late if you don't start now.........

What a great sentiment.... and expression of the courage it takes to press on through the difficult times when the reasons aren't clear. You set a fine example of leadership when dealing with an unpleasant reality. Your inspiration has made a difference today - in me, and I hope you find more clarity about your purpose. Can I recommend "I know I can do anything, if only I knew what it was" by Barbara Sher?

i forgot to say i with you the best and have a good evening/day

I feel there is nothing wrong with abortions,if someone doesn't want a baby they don't have to have one. I don't think she was right for bringing those people to your house and harassing, I would've have called the police.Also so she is not right for keeping your only son away from you that's also wrong. So she has no one to blame but herself.

Right and wrong, those are value judgements that don't mean very much to me anymore. Anything can be right or wrong, its completely arbitrary. For much of my life I hated my existence and wished that I had never been born, so I called my conception and birth wrong, and therefore an abortion by my parents would have been right. Is it right to bring a child into a life that they are going to hate and suffer through, or is it wrong?

Wow I am surprised so many of you are trying to make this guy sound like he is a dead beat dad - this so called "woman" who has his child sounds like SHE is the one keeping him from his son. Sounds like this woman is a huge piece of work who should never have been allowed to give birth. I encourage you all to re-read this and really think about the situation. There are some HORRIBLE women in this world and ppl need to stop blaming the men for everything. NEONBLUEMIDNIGHT I am on your side and really hope you get to be with your son one day! Write letters to him but KEEP THEM until you see him face to face. Sounds like that crazy ***** of a mother would not give the letters to your son if you sent any.

She is a woman, and I wouldn't have her disparaged. She is just doing the best she can with what she has, the same as all of us are. A crazy ***** she may be, but I challenge you to show me someone that isn't crazy these days. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it, but I don't need to be defended.

As a child of divorced, remarried adopted etc. my advice is to seek legal help and try to get visitation with your child. Of course you have to be prepared to pay support also. If you just sit back and do nothing your child will wonder why you didn't make the effort. I know this personally from my own experience and from a brother (his father was my adoptive father) who wanted to know why he was not wanted. There are ways to make this less traumatic for the child you just have to work at it.

Thank you for sharing your experience, but using the law to force my way in is not something I am willing to do. If my son wants to know why, I am prepared to explain. If that's not good enough for him, so be it, I might not be happy with that but I can accept it.

i can only be angry with people like you. i wanted my kids and the mom decided that i was not meant to be their dad. so they have been taken away. and every day since i have called, and cards, and whatever i could do to get them back in my life. you took a gift and squandered it. because of men like you, i have no contact with my kids. you should be fighting for the rights to be a dad. but you dont. how could you walk away. how sad for the child.

what you need to do is get your balls out of where ever thay are hidding and get into your son life.. you might have had it rought but people been throw worse trrust me on that. and what the hell is wrong with you.. abortion really you coward what did that child ever do to you remember he did not ask to e borned... and not paying support wat the hell wrong with you.. you should not be aloud to be call a man... iv been payin it sinse i was 16 years old...dont blame your father for you beiing a coward.. jesus hopefullly the guy she is with now will raise him better thin a coward of a father he has.. btw i dont care if anyone like this or not... he need to grow up and be a man not a little i wont say the word

If you were in my shoes, you would do the same as I do, so you're only insulting yourself. Maybe you should try understanding a situation before you judge people you don't even know.

no i wouldnt do the same. i would be in my kids life i sed what i thout. you ca take it as a insuilt if you will idc. you know you need to be in your kids life. your not the only one that had a **** up life. i mean look at me iv had a very **** up life. and im in my kids life.. being in your kid life would help you more thin you know. it did me anyway. btw im not judgeing you

When you call someone a coward, that's a judgment. When you tell someone what they need to do, that's a judgment. I don't take it personally, don't worry. You don't even know the first thing about me, so your judgments about who I am or what I should do don't carry much weight anyways.

I agree with the previous post about writing letters to your son. I think it could be very therapeutic.

Men like you disgust me, how about helping your son with some support, she has been picking up the tab all this time, be a man. Even if you weren't ready for a child the reality is that it is here! You knew very well if you weren't using protection this could happen. I hope your little boy nevers gets to meet some low life like you.

You think you're better than me, but if you were in my shoes you would do the same as I do, so you're really just disgusted with yourself. You should try some understanding instead of judgment, if you don't want to appear shallow. Like, reading the whole story instead of the first few paragraphs..

lol i agree

but if you avoid the woman who needs you at such time this is your bad part that you avoids her firstly.

Everyone is pitying you, which I understand, but how about paying child support? I mean, really, you ask for abortion which she wasn't for and made her very upset. I don't believe in abortion, but sometimes it is the right thing to do if you do not have the resources open to raise the child. Here you just ask for an abortion because you were careless as you said you were. Can you truly blame her for not wanting you be with the son you wanted. It might be a good start to pay first before trying to be in his life.

I don't blame her at all. And I offered to pay everything I have, as I mentioned in my story, and my ex isn't interested.

i am sad as i read this and i sincerely feel sorry 4 all the abortions i had caused in the past.i just immagine how those children would react to me had they survived and learnt about my rejection of them.God ,forgive me and the ladies that had aborted for me in the past,i advise all who read this to live more responsibly

This is a very sad story, and I feel bad for all concerned. I'ld like to comment from the point of view of a child whose father had wanted her aborted.. My father didn't want a child and he begged my mother to abort me. My mother refused. From the time I found out what my father's wish was until he died, all I could see was a man who wanted me dead without ever giving me a chance. Before he saw me, or held me, or named me. I never understood why he would hate me so much as to wish me dead (dead! forever! ME!!) before he knew anything about me. He stayed with the family, but I never understood how he could see me as merely an inconvenience to be gotten rid of! Very few things have ever hurt me as much as that knowledge. I say these things not to upset anyone, just to point out that what seems rational to an adult in this situation may look entirely different to a child.--even when that child is grown.

It sounds like you really want to be the victim here, I think that's why you choose not to understand why he did what he did; because if you understand him then you forgive him, and if you forgive him you won't be his victim anymore. I could be projecting here, since that was how my relationship with my father used to be. I can't tell you how liberating it was to let the blame go.

Remember that forgiveness isn't about freeing the perpetrator from blame, its about freeing the forgiver from their resentment.

in this case ...you can pray she will have a change of heart ...and u can write letters to your son and save them for him so when he is older he can understand why ....prayers

I do write letters to him as the inspiration comes to me. And I pray most of all that she won't feel the need to pass on her resentment of me down to him.