A Word From Someone Who's There

My name is Trayus and Parsain is my wife. A few people have asked about me and therefore I decided to make a single post here myself. Having a relationship while dealing with the DID is a full time job to say the least. I think one of the most important things to make those who suffer from DID better in relationships is that it simply isn't "all about you." Sometimes DID seems to be the only thing on our minds. What's our next step? What have I forgotten lately? How stressed out am I? But it is extremely important not to let the DID overshadow the needs and desires of the spouse as well. Whether or not your spouse has DID, that doesn't mean that you don't have just as much say in the relationship, or just as much stress. I honestly believe it is equally as stressful for her as it is for me, just in different ways. She may not be able to relate directly to the loss of memory, the invasion of a mental sanctuary, or things like that. But she plays an equally important role in remaining calm and always dealing with the alters when I am not there. The moment I transition she is with me and is there when I return, and that has had a profound impact on my progress as well as my own personal feeling of safety. It is definitely hard, especially when alters are spiteful. I have Jinn, just about as bad as it gets. Luckily none of my alters has had the opportunity to cheat or anything like that. Between my alter Vincent and I we do a decent job of keeping everyone from going off and living seven different lives. That's not to say that some of my alters wouldn't love the chance, because most of them would. But we are able to keep things close. And another important thing is telling the truth. Sometimes when I am sitting there hearing them or feeling them trying to take over, it's frustrating beyond all belief, and when she asks me what is happening then I have to be ready to inform her simply because she has the right to know so she can be prepared to help me and the situation. That may seem simple but it's more difficult, at least for me, than you would think. And that's something that I definitely need to improve upon. Anyway, I think I have said the majority of what I wanted to. Teamwork is important and you and your spouse should be on the same page before you try to conquer any alters though. Because I guarantee it's not a one person job.
Trayus Trayus
18-21, M
4 Responses Jul 24, 2010

C, so far his personalities have caused no issues with his children so I highly doubt it will be a problem.<br />
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As far as respecting both people - they will at times conflict. We will all make mistakes trying to respect everyone. I think it is important that you enforce your partners rules. You can do things to balance it out. Food is a big one. Each of my husbands personalities has different tastes in food. Go out of your way to give them something they like. let them choose what tv show to watch. It is hard not being a real person. Sometimes the little things really matter.

My system used to keep banishing those who were too dysfunctional but it made things much worse. We learned to befriend those most dysfunctional so they could trust they could work through their stuff and through that they became safer, less alienated, developed empathy for others in the system, started doing things for each other, contributing to a co-operative system. Through this we're seeing some intermittent merging which we take as sort of 'time share'. My husband remains neutral about integration and supports my system's desire to work toward co-operation, supporting merging and working toward integration.

Just be relentless. Eventually they'll get that you are there to stay. I can't say that the way Parsain deals with my DID and the issues that it causes is "normal." So her approach might not work when other people give it a whirl. Maybe we were just lucky. Either way, we know that we do what we can each day to make it through. Giving up only means all the struggles and the pains that you have already conquered were for nothing. So don't give up. Keep working towards something. Trust me, that alone makes all the difference.

It is very helpful to hear from the side of the person with DID. My partner has about 13 different alters and I definately have heard each of their points of views and sides. Even if I did not ask to hear them. It is hard for me because I do not have one or two people that are in charge or who are overseeing everyone else. I have 13 individuals who do what they want, when they want. The only way I have to control ANYONE is with love. I hope that you continue to post your thoughts and ideas as well as your wife. I intend on someday getting married with my DID partner and having support is always a plus.