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Interesting And Amazing Life Of A Spouse With DID

Hi there,

My husband too has DID. I can relate. There are tough times, but I couldn't ever imagine my life without him and the others. They are all amazing. Never a dull moment. I have been with him for 10 years now and knew early on something wasn't right. I just thought he was bi-polar. Until 2007 they felt safe enough and started revieling themselves to me. The first was a boy who was 5. I have grown to love each and everyone of them. The children all call me mommy now. A teen thinks of me as a sister. I have four who are my husbands. There is a woman. I am her best friend. There are many more. There is only one left that does'nt care to come out and enjoy life. She is a teen. I guess she just feels safer inside. The key to my husband's recovery was having someone to relate to as a good parent. At first it was my mom and dad, for my husband. My dad passed and I became mommy. My mom is, mom to them. .

I have supported my husband from day one and will continue to support him. He has been able to recover and heal much faster than most with my support. There are tough times like I stated above. I don't even see my husband or husbands for days. A lot of days I spend with the children.  It is just so amazing that I get to see my husband as he was as a child. 

He is talented in so many ways. A jack of all trades. There is nothing he is'nt able to do if he puts his mind to it. There is always one inside that can do it and do it very well. He is and artist, chef, carpenter, electrician, seamstress, computer tech, and the list can go on.

I can tell exactly who is out now. They switch many times a day and travel together. I can see a switch from the corner of my eye. They all look and sound different.

We are near the end of his therapy now. We are just living life now. Most the secrets are out . The ones needing to be told. Healing is taking place everyday. If there is anyone who would like to chat, has questions or needs support I just might be able to help you. Send me a message.

Take care,

Lisa = )
 
xxxLisaxxx xxxLisaxxx 41-45, F 12 Responses May 29, 2011

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I have lived with a spouse who has DID for seven years. My wife is extremely intelligent, artist, college degree, straight A student, great with new technology. I am thrilled at her accomplishments. She meets with a Pschycotherapist once a week who is trying to help the alters merge. So far I haven't seen this happen. The alters that I have met and recognize as they are present, a little 5-6 year old girl, a teenage girl, an adult who is dominant when there is sickness, a professional female who is present when she has to fulfill responsibilities of her full time job, one adult male who is very negative and mean. It has been the hardest life situation that I have ever experienced. I am a social person who craves affection with a female. I have a therapist who is trying to get me to set my boundaries since I live in quiet desperation daily. I am afraid that if I "do my thing" that the normalcy that she has achieved as I have been in her life will be shattered and fractured so I have a hard time thinking of my needs wants and desires.

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband just lost his son and has the same thing. It is very hard for me not knowing how to act or respond to him because he is so distant.

Thank you for sharing this truly inspiring story. I have mixed feelings of joy and sadness but more joy than sadness. :-)



I am happy you found each other.



Take care and blessings to you and your husband.



Scorpio.

Thank you! = )

I'm almost in tears because I can't believe this exists! I'm so blessed to hear your stories! I'm glad I'm not alone.

It certainly does feel good when you realize that other people have the same issues. It makes me feel reassured that there is help out there for us and the DID is real! Leena

I'm almost in tears because I can't believe this exists! I'm so blessed to hear your stories! I'm glad I'm not alone.

You are not alone! We are here to help one another! = )

Leena,



Thank you! Once I had a name for what was going on, it made things so much better for our lives. It was difficult in the beginning. Stressful at times. With a lot of work things got so much better. Now it is all just normal for us. = )

That' what Dave says. Once we figured out what the heck was going on, things began to make sense. It can still be stressful but it's our normal, I guess... Leena

It's amazing to read your posts. You are just like my husband. This makes me feel better because he does so much for us, just like you do for your husband. At times I feel like I am such a huge responsibility to him---well, I am. How do you handle everything without going crazy?

Hi Wyomingsahm,



You ask how do you handle the littles being out and throwing tantrums when an adult needs to be out. The system needs to work together. The littles need to know that your husband needs to work so they can have a house, food, or toys if allowed and so on. If you guys set a time for them to come out they may be happy with that. I would think they trust you if they are out. Remember each one of them holds a trauma and can be triggered and scared. Look for these and know what to do and not do. The less scared they are the better your husband will feel.



My husband at first wasn't always aware of an alter being out. He is at the end of therapy now and things are much different for him. The man I married was a false front. My husband now is the birth personality (the one born to the body and went away in infancy). I watched him grow up. Now he always knows who is out and what is going on. They are not going to integrate.



Usually whomever needed to be out would be out. The littles knew when to be out. The littles are able to mimic my husband if needed. There just needs to be cooperation and boundaries withing the system.



As the others feel safe they will start emerging like some already have. When they are out treat them with respect and ask what their names are. Ask them questions about themselves. What they like to do, their favorite food, and etc. Just get to know them like you would anyone else. You will one day be able to tell who is out just by facial expressions, words, and mannerisms.



They probably don't know a lot if they weren't out too often. They learn and grow more through experiences they have just like any other person does. They usally have a specific job they do. If they feel safe with you, you could ask them what their job is, their purpose in the system.



Feel free to write anytime.



Lisa = )

We're are just starting our journey. My husband has multiple littles that come out all of the time and when my husband has to go to work they freak out and throw temper tantrums at having to be pushed aside. How do you handle this? Does your husband know when he's in an alter, what do you do when he has to be "big". I feel like I'm handling this on my own, especially when he's little (we also have a one year old biological child). How do you allow the others to come out, how do you learn about everyone? (most of my husband's alters don't have many opinions and I think it might just be that they don't trust me yet.)

This has been one of the most relatable stories. I am also achristian and I know without a doubt that Christ works. When i met my husband he was going to a roup at the church and was so open,joyful and spiritually grounded. Now he was facing the posibility of prison but he was I would say 90% a joy. The night he propsed to me on one knee with my dog beside me wondering whar was he doing coming across the room on bended knee. I loved this man and knew he was a gift from God. But after he got off and then was on house arrest he started to change slightly but he found another church for a while and was quite intune. To get to the point he has stopped attending church, the choir and the group and the alter I call Legion comes out more and more and he can be mean, violent, disrespectful, selfish and has had a homosexual fantasy reality relationship which is another story. Then there is the one that acts like a child with temper tantrums and sulk and wont speak for hours to days and even baracades himself in the room. I call that one little boy. Then there is the one who used to sleep outside the house in the car, or drive vaway for hours or become suicidal and I call that one runner.Then there is the one who puts the cover over his head and gets depressed and even his son knows and tries to console him. One night he , his eleven year old son and our dog all slept in the same room while he had the covers over his head. Then there is my husband I fell in love with, who is gentle,kind, loving ,spiritual and just unbelievable. This is all new to me but I PRAYED TO GOD to help me find what was wrong and he gave me DID.. I'm relived but its hard and I get so lonely and there us hardly any sex. I nremember one time he locked himself in th room and was just ************ . I need help to deal with this and I know Christ has me but I want a support group.

If U cant accept his alters and call them demons, You may actually be more harmful than helpful. YOu need accept his identity. He needs to be able to express himself so that he can learn and grow and if you do not have spiritiual discernment then u are not able to tell if it is a spirit, person or actually a demon. sometimes demons hide behind alters so be careful not to end up doing the devils work but making his alters feel as if they are a demon and reject them. The lord also told me in 2007 that I had DID and i did not really believe it until 2 years ago. So God does care about MPD and it does exist. For some reason who chose you to experience this with your husband. U have quite a journey and a ministry. Take it as a blessing and deal with it, it will teach you a whole lot of things and you can also educate others about MPD along the way. Many of my alters have accepted Jesus some of them havent...I do not force them to accept it, I let got deal with them. And we even pray for eachother at times.

Wow, ... 2 people who live their days like mine.... not the same, but here living with 7 people in my husband, what day could be the same? ;)



All of my husband's alters go in and out all the time. From watching body language, listening to words or sayings they each use, and just my gut, I can tell most of the time when one is out, or which one it is ... the 17 year old, I am seeing lately, is in and out all of the time, .. sneakily trying not to been found out. It's funny and he is a bit frustrated at his game being caught - by our new pup! He will laugh and play at this along with me, as we are finding that our new boxer dog immediately jumps up on him when he comes out and wants to play! He is new in our house, as our 4 yr old boxer passed 2 months ago. We were blessed to find this great 7 month old boxer pup who is very special too. :) Well, it is sooo funny and he laughs at it, as I do, as his game is up and he is caught each time when we are at home. hehe. The others think it is hilarious, too, as they say he comes back in stomping around - that dog! but he LOVES his new pet who obviously loves him and does this ONLY to him. It has the name of one of the alters, which that alter LOVES - some are jealous of this and others think THIS is hilarious.. it's fun. He treats each differently, but likes them all - kinda cool - and each comes out to play or talk to the pup differently - he will sooth the baby (who's about 3-4) by licking his face when he cries... he always cries for his Dad when he comes out and cries about "The Monster". At first I didn't know what to think of my husband looking and acting like a 3 year old, outwardly in speech and actions - he was sooo scared and sad (and still is when he comes out, but not of me, but scared of the monster) and then, it made sense different times throughout our marriage. Like when he was hiding under the covers during a lightening storm when we were first married 22 years ago and here I am a 20 year old college girl, with my husband under the covers hiding from the lightening -- I just didn't know what to think of this man being so scared and shaking, but as he got over that quickly , I passed it off as an early fear he had from his Mom and we overcame it together - no biggie, I thought, and on our life went (although he still doesn't like storms).



Like I've said in my other post, we are just realizing since this last Christmas time, both my husband and I, what he has had for all the years we have been married and his whole lifetime.



Truths are coming out sometimes a little at time, sometimes like a volcano spewing lava. We came to this enlightening conclusion through our own deductions (admittance of time loss and blackouts, and him surprising us with no longer needing glasses a few years ago, when we now know, one integrated after dealing with his father's death). The alters, we now also know, had his last therapist totally horns waggled , even having him convinced that I was loosing my mind. Now, this was a VERY hard time in our lives. We had NO idea what was really going on and there was too much to tell here today, but they were blocking my husband from fights, conversations, parts of arguments, most of their own actions outside - much of what I would talk to him about - even he was becoming convinced of questioning my sanity - but I began writing things down during this time and check myself and show these to him. Now, we know what was going on, and he is happy that I have my right mind and stuck with him through it and he stuck with me, as difficult as it was for all of us.



It has been four years now since that major panic attack that landed him in the hospital, which headed us to this therapist and into this time - and what a road it has been!



But so much is explained by our discovery of DID. So much for him over his lifetime.



But this is also hard for him - the discovery of such loss of time - how much time he wonders,,, is his perception of his life much different than the truth?



He has been so protected - I tell him they were like Angels that came out to take the abuse, to shield him from it and to shield others in the house from it - to take it for them. They are all Soldiers and I love each of them for what they have done through this lifetime for him and for others. But I want healing for them - I don't want them to carry this anymore and I know, as does my husband AND his alters , that Christ can do this for them - they just have to let him into ALL the corners... it's so hard as they have had to be the protectors... but no more.. thank God.



Abandonment began this and has been carried throughout - with severe abuse from a step dad - the severity of which they are afraid to tell me, but say they must and will - they want to protect me from the Hell they encountered, but they say they need to tell me and are worried about me - protecting me as I can now see they have for our lifetime together. How could I not love them all?



Now, I would like to say that my husband was not in a poor family. His father was taken from him, his mom, and his two older brothers by a woman home wrecker when he was 3 1/2. This is Joey, the baby. His mother married again when he was 5 to a very wealthy and powerful man in stature and business, after many other suitors were turned away. This was her choice to take care of her and her three sons - who could ever think he would be so bad - who even knew when it was going on? Who DID know and didn't listen? What people saw was just the tip of the iceberg - and people did see things... so sad...

I'm saying this to remind anyone that if a child tells you - or you just KNOW that there is something wrong, please do not ignore them because of their family status.. he tried to tell teachers and others he trusted, but they wouldn't listen - didn't want to. Please listen to the children around you. I hope I have, and now I listen all the time to them - to their stories, to their jokes, to their games, to their dreams - good and bad.



These days it is hard as our sons are growing up and leaving the house. Now we know this was a big stresser at the time of the panic attack, along with other unresolved pain. I never knew why things were getting so tense as our oldest got to be 17 and was venturing out and growing up to be a man... now we understand, but he is 20 and on his own, and we talk to him about this when we can and when he can hear it - we do talk with him all the time, and he loves us as we do him, and he and his brothers, especially the one who is now seventeen are very close - We can now understand and deal with the stress the system feels about the boys "leaving us".... understanding it is so much of the battle...



I love all the men in my life so much - as I have said, we have been married for 22 years this Friday (yay! :) , have three sons together ages 12, 17, and 20, and run a business, live, and work together.



And, yes, being away is not really an option - for short times (a few hours) it is hard enough -



I have talked with my husband and compared this to living with an Alzheimer patient (my grandmother lived with us with this), - his eyes leave me and others come in - as I do talk to him as he was at different times in his life - through his memories - and some days I miss him, .. when he's not here much and worry sometimes he won't come back, in the back of my mind, but he does - it IS hard --- not knowing whether it is okay to kiss him or hold him at each moment.... what each one needs - who is out - on Friday nights, he will have 5 CD's going in and out of the player and 5 different drinks on the counter, as we laugh and cook together - it's quite a party! :)



Thanks for sharing - it feels very alone sometimes, as there is no one I can talk with about this. His family and mine do not know and we do not intend on sharing at this time, for our reasons and we can, as they live very far from us. Our kids know some, as much as they can each take in, and we try to share with them what we can without taking away their feelings of security.



Our Christian faith has been and will be a cornerstone to healing through all of this, as well as a wellspring of strength, love, tenderness, forgiveness, and wisdom - as we keep this family together through it all.



Thanks again for sharing and for your notes of encouragement! Sleep well.

The littles are so sweet and easier to deal with for the most part. It has'nt always been easy. The traumas experienced by your husband is'nt just his. The alters have to come to terms with them as well. They just need to gain your trust. Know you are there because you love them and want to help them. It is a slow process. Day by day.



My husband the one I married was actually a false front. A couple of his alters married me as well. It took 3.5 years before the true personality ( the one born into the body came out). I actually watched my husband grow from a 4 month old to a grown man.



They will come out more if they have a purpose or feel safe. My husband's 5 year old is now 6. I took him to Disney World for his birthday. Something they all were promised many times as children. That was a huge healing process for them. I always kept my promises to them and they became to trust me. The 5 year old liked icecream. That was a trigger for him. He is now out all the time and rarely wants icecream now. He has moved on the bigger things (computers) and is very good at them.



He does have a teen who would love to have his on life and a girlfriend.I am old to him. He never has done anything to sabotage my relationship with my husband. He is the one who sees me as a sister. It isn't easy. It take a lot of patience, love, determination and will to make a life with a dissociative person. You have to be very confident and secure with yourself and be able to pick your fights.



Hang in there! A good site to go to is http://www.dissociation.com/. I learned a lot from Dr. Raph Allison. Read through his blogs etc. I even e-mailed him and got answers back from him.



Take care,



Lisa

Sometimes I wish my husband's biggest problems were littles that need parenting and love. So far as we know, the youngest he has is 11 and he doesn't need anything other than kit kats. He loves people and attention, and outside of losing things or being an inconvenience there is no problem with him. In fact, he rarely comes out anymore cause he just gets bored anyway.



No, we have things much more sinister. . . We've been told (by a total of 3 of the alters now) that he has to conquer his trauma before he can conquer an alter that would walk out the door and never come back, leaving me and our unborn son alone if he got the strength to do it.



I should post a new experience. . . I'm not sure I even know where to start.

Awww that is hard...keep up the faith. He needs more positve triggers, inspirations an ways of expression.