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Just Seeing The Whole Picture

 Well, I have known my husband for almost 10 years, but we have been married for about 3.5. Over this time, I have found myself crazily trying to decipher his changes in what I thought then were moods. I must say this whole realization has come within the last 24 hours, and even typing this right now seems a little surreal.We have always had the same fights and problems throughtout our relationship, but for some reason we have continued to stay to together. He always speaks in puzzles, and I would get so frustrated when he couldn't give me a straight answer. He is very smart with an ability to think about things on a level above anyone else I 've met, but at the same time, there are times when even the simplest social interactions leave him baffled. We smoke quite a bit of weed, and during these times is when I would hear things from him like "I'm crazy", "I've had visions", "I've lived in other universes". I always deep down knew there was an explanation, but I guess I didn't really want to know how deep the trauma and illness ran. I was raised to deal with problems on their surface by a mother that lived and breathed through logic and reason. Frivolity and silliness were unnecessary so as I have dealt with my own problems I have a diagnosable  need to be able to explain everything scientifically. My husband (and his alters) have been attempting over the years to convince me that within my husband is an evilness that will at some point destroy the universe.Of course I have always tried to understand the fascination with these thoughts of his, but I would attribute them merely to the amount of science fiction he has watched or the desire to rid the world of the "morons" as he so condescendingly puts. Until recently I had considered him to only have schizoid personality disorder, which explained his often cold nature and some of his grandiose thinking. At last, though, he was able to trust me enough to let me know about his DID. I am not sure how to move forward from here. He has never sought any professional help with this before, and I am not sure that he would be open to that at the present. I have so many questions for him about the alters, but I don't want to set another break like the two I have seen over the last few days. I don't think that he would be able to work and cope with them at this point.

Before all of this came up, I had been talking with him about wanting to have children. I have a child from a previous marriage that lives with us every other week, but I have an immense desire for more children. How have some of you dealt with children in a marriage with DID. I do not want to "cure" him, but I just want us to be able to live as full a life as we can. I know that all of this is just starting, and I apologize as I really think this post has wandered all over the place. I just need an outlet, and I feel so free actually know what is going on.

I solicit any and all info/advice that others have. I have absolutely no experience in dealing with this, although as luck would have it, I am a mental health professional and provide counseling to young people. I have never dealt with DID in either my professional or personal life. THanks in advance for any help. This whole experience has just brought me out of a deep hole of loneliness.
amg1980 amg1980 31-35 15 Responses Aug 21, 2011

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Well, I haven't really commented on here in a while because I have been in the process of healing from this relationship and moving on with my life. The last 6 months have been the hardest of my entire life. I have hit lows that I never expected and have had to deal with situations that I could have never dreamed would occur. DH and I separated in September of 2011 mostly due to the affair. He was spiraling out of control at that point. I stopped having much contact with him at that point, but it didn't take long for him to start getting really depressed again (I am using "he" as the pronoun as it was my husband, but the female alter has continued to dominate since his hospital stay in September). He then began to text and call me quite a bit, needing reassurance and assistance even to get out of bed and go to work in the mornings. In November, my daughter and I were in a pretty serious car accident traveling home from my younger sister's wedding. We both ended up in the ER but my daughter sustained more serious injuries, fracturing a small bone in the neck and ankle. Thankfully she has made a full recovery, but the guilt I feel (and continue to feel) for hurting my daughter is beyond measure. DH also felt a lot of guilt in regards to the situation because he was supposed to attend the wedding with me, but I told him I didn't want him to come due to the fighting and cheating. We ended up getting back together right before Christmas. Even as I think back on it and wonder why in the world I thought we could work it, I still don't think it was a terrible decision. We were both at very low points in our life and needed a support person. For me, it took less than a week for me to realize that it wouldn't work. I wasn't happy with him in what I considered "my" house. He hated the cat I had gotten, and this had been an issue previously when he actually killed a cat that we had. I believe he has an alter that is sadistic, and when pets are around, he has a very hard time controlling his impulses. We continued to "get by" although we were barely talking, interacting or having sex. On February 10, I got fired from my job as retaliation for disagreeing with my boss about some policies that I believed to be unethical. It was traumatic and embarrassing. On this same day, my husband came home and told me that he was going to buy a house in the town where he was a school teacher. He had put in an application (without my knowledge) that had already been approved. I immediately told him that I could and would not move an hour from home. I have a joint custody arrangement with my daughter's father, and she lives with each of us for a week at a time. I also had (still have) plans to begin a PhD in the fall, and I will be commuting 2 hours one way. The university is in the opposite direction from where he teaches school. As you can tell, this never would have worked. Not to mention the fact that he did all this without my knowledge and I was extremely hurt. During the weeks that followed, we continued to fight about the house. We were both convinced that the other would change their mind. In the end, he left me penniless when I was still unemployed; going through with the purchase of the house. I truly believe that it was because the alter felt he/she needed another life. There was definitely a coldness to him, which just wrecked me emotionally. I cried for days. Even now as I write this, it still hurts more deeply than anything else I have ever experienced. When he left I told him that I wouldn't be able to continue any type of relationship with him. I could tell he was hurt, after all the last time we separated, I ended up to remaining as his support system. I feel healthier emotionally and psychologically since he is gone. I really don't miss him being there, but I do miss having someone around that knows and understands me. It is very hard not to check on him. There are times when I will type and erase a text message to him 4 or 5 times before deciding not to send it. To my credit, I have not initiated contact with him unless I had to since he left. I just can't. So, this is my story. I am still a mess in a lot of ways. I don't sleep well, and I still use too much marijuana. I am extremely insecure and terrified of never feeling "normal" again. I am excited to begin therapy myself in the fall when I become a student (until then I have no health insurance that would cover it). I hope that this update helps some of you, and if you have any questions, comments, concerns, I welcome them.

itsallmine &amp; everyone,<br />
<br />
The invite for a PM is just a courtesy, there is no opposition to asking a question publicly.<br />
Feel free to inquire, all public answer will be general in nature.<br />
I hope this clarifies things.<br />
STT : ) <br />
(I hope this posts only once - hehe)

itsallmine &amp; everyone,<br />
<br />
The invite for a PM is just a courtesy, there is no opposition to asking a question publicly.<br />
Feel free to inquire, all public answer will be general in nature.<br />
I hope this clarifies things.<br />
STT : )

itsallmine &amp; everyone,<br />
<br />
The invite for a PM is just a courtesy, there is no opposition to asking a question publicly.<br />
Feel free to inquire, all public answer will be general in nature.<br />
I hope this clarifies things.<br />
STT : )

itsallmine &amp; everyone,<br />
<br />
The invite for a PM is just a courtesy, there is no opposition to asking a question publicly.<br />
Feel free to inquire, all public answer will be general in nature.<br />
I hope this clarifies things.<br />
STT : )

For those of us following and interested in what is happening and may be applying some of it to our own situations, it is disappointing that SpiritualTowTruck takes the discussion off the table and into 'private' status. We are now left hanging...

At the time if this post - I did not have time to read this entire thread - but I read enough to know that I am pretty sure I can help you .<br />
<br />
I have experience in managing DID systems, including : conflict resolution among alters or groups of alters, co-operation among alters with themselves and with outside authority figures, integration of alters, cessations of destructive habits including self-injury, abatement of diseases/allergies, overcoming extremely traumatic childhood (and recent) experiences, repairing the damage that has been done during those experiences, and more.<br />
<br />
If you wish - we can chat - just send me a private message.<br />
<br />
I know, it seems crazy now, but everything is manageable.<br />
<br />
SpiritualTowTruck

So...he had his third breakdown in as many weeks last night. He got very upset and lost touch with control. They all came out at different times and were on disagreement. The "persecutor" is still out in a controlled aspect, but he has his entire self focused on getting work done for his students (he is a HS Biology). He was suicidal and homicidal at times, and he continues to say he has no control. We talked about hospitalization and has agreed to go. I'm not sure that I believe that he honestly wants to get help---the protector is so defensive, and im afraid she may be intentionally sabotaging him. (yes she is a lesbian inside of my husband). Have any of you had experience with this? I'm afraid if he thinks I'm pushing him some of them will turn against me. I feel like he just needs the time and the help he can get in the hospital, and I know it has a good reputation bc I work in the field. Once again...I seek out your advice. I'm in dire need.

Hi,<br />
<br />
As long as they do not feel threatened you should be safe. If they feel threatened though, they may act on it. The host isn't allowed to feel anger, so it builds and turns to rage. Rage is kept locked away. If the angry alters are pushed to far. Pushed beyond what even they can handle, the rage will come.<br />
<br />
Since your husband has parts, it's a bit different being in an open relationship. As you are experiencing there are some that want to pursue love intrest and take it on a more emotional level rather than pyhsical. I havn't experienced this from my husband. We have a monogomous relationship. I would think if they are given and used to having those freedoms, then it will be very difficult for them to break away from them.<br />
<br />
I just know there are some who would love to have their own life and not share the body. My husband has one who would want this, but he doesn't act on it. He is 19 years old and was my husbands best friend since he was very young. My husband has a great system and none of them have ever acted on any of their impulses.<br />
<br />
DID can be a very lonely and hard life for spouses. It can also be very rewarding, fun, loving, and interesting. It takes many years of work and therapy to heal the system. <br />
<br />
My advice would be to make as many connections with as many as you can. To gain their love and trust. If you are in it to stay, then connect with the littles. They can be your most valuable tool. The teens are by far the hardest to reach and deal with.<br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
<br />
Lisa

I am exhausted and unhappy. I am frustrated because I see myself getting my feelings hurt over things that he can't control. I still want to pick about not having his "help" around the house. He is not wanting to go to therapy, and the one in control always talks about there only being "one". I am still dealing with the alter that is having a relationship with another woman. We have made a "deal" that he sees her every 4 weeks, but I saw text messages yesterday where he asked her to come "smoke" with him at work. I know I should be able to deal with all this, and I know that it isn't personal. The problem is that my husband's primary alter is Schizoid...which means that he cannot really express or feel emotion. The alter that is causing the problems is probably out second, and every once in a while I might get a little empathy from one of the others. I know it seems like a thankless job, right? The problem is that he has always had the Schizoid personality disorder, so I have been able to deal with that for a while but not always very well. There have been a lot of times when he thinks that marriage is just "too hard", and I don't know that this isn't true. I just feel like I can't leave now knowing that this is what is really at the core of the problems between us. I am a pretty needy person, too, and I am just so lonely. I float between disappointment, loneliness, and acceptance. I am hoping the acceptance comes easier, but dealing with this other woman makes things so much harder. Anyway, just venting, and I really appreciate the comments. Once again, if anyone has any first-hand experience with this, I would love any direction you might have

I think this is a really common problem, alters wanting their own life.<br />
<br />
Sometimes you can use this to your advantage. It's painful and hard. Have you concidered a treaty of sorts? <br />
<br />
I won't fight you on this if you promise. . . ect. She may or may not be willing to work with this. We were lucky that even though the alter we had this problem with was strong enough to not follow the treaty, he still chose to honor it. Worth a shot?<br />
<br />
Sometimes you have to make compromises you really really really really don't want to. Sometimes you have to do it just to bide your time until a solution can be found.

Also, because she is the most dominant and destructive alter, what happens if I give her what she wants? I don't think I could deal if she completely took over the system. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

So I thought that I had posted a response yesterday, but I guess it never posted. Here we go....<br />
<br />
Well, there has certainly been no lack of chaos in my husband's and my life since all this came out just this past weekend. In some aspects it comes as a relief to find out what is going on in my husband's mind. It has forever been an enigma until now, and I spent my time waiting for what I thought was the right "mood" for us to be really intimate and honest with each other. I have been going through a lot of grief that I never figured it out on my own. I have this sense that I should have been on to him, but I guess no one ever really thinks that it is this until it really is. <br />
<br />
I think that his alters are feeling a sense of freedom with me that they have never felt before. There are a few that I have met, but there is one that is definitely dominant. The dominant alter is not a good person. She is "the boss". I believe that she has something to do with his mother and her lack of affection and concern for him. His mother either allowed or did not protect him as a child from the abuse that he encountered. I am not even sure what happened exactly in terms of the abuse. In his more aware state (as what I perceive as the "real" him, although at this point I am not really sure what that means), he has told me that he thinks his older brother sexually abused him at the age of 5. In his most serious breakdown, I have seen an alter that is a young child, and this is one that needs a great deal of comfort. I know now that there have been lots of times in our relationship that this alter has come out when I didn't even know it. My husband denies most of the memory loss associated with his DID, and he does seem to remember most, or all, of the experiences with them after the fact. The real concern I have is the dominant one. She is filled with hate and has admitted to wanting to hurt, kill and destroy others (always in the hypothetical). She has told me, along with other personalities, that "they" have an agreement that no one will be hurt. There were a few times this past weekend when she came out that I was not 100% sure that this was the case, but even in his most manic, out of control state she never hurt me. She seems to be in control (or at least tries to be) of most of the alters, and when she first came out fully I was so taken aback that I let her control the situation. Since then, I am not afraid of her, and I think that my openness and honesty terrifies her. I am pretty sure she hates me, though.<br />
<br />
I feel like I could write about this forever. I have so many questions, and I want to know so much but understand what happens when I really start to ask questions. He is so used to suppressing the alters because he has been doing it at work and home for over a year. (He is just starting his second year as a high school biology teacher). I worry about his ability to keep it together at work, but I think that work provides him some reprieve because I don't think they come out when he is doing what he enjoys and is good at. I do see problems in getting all the other tasks done outside of the actual class time. (grading, making assignments, prep work, etc...) I have a stressful job of my own, and I am worried about how all this will play out when my daughter is here. (she spends every other week with her bio dad, my ex). She has not been with us since all this came out. He says that he is going to "keep it under wraps" when she is here, and I know he can, since he has been doing it for almost 30 years. I just worry about what happens when I have to devote my time to her and not him. The female alter is really jealous of her I think. I have always accused him (before all this) of being jealous of her, but in reality I think it is her. She hates me, but she needs me? Ugh...so many questions!<br />
<br />
Ok, so I know this is long, but here is the rest of the current story that I really need some assistance with. We have always had an open marriage. I have never had a problem with this. It was part of our arrangement before we were married. I am bisexual, and he has interests outside the marriage. Before all this came out, he has had some "flings". Mostly just every few months he would go have sex with another woman no strings attached. We have participated in some group sex activities together, and I have recently been talking to a single female with whom I may pursue a FWB relationship. He has currently been talking with a woman that is a teacher in his school district (he is a HS teacher, she is at the middle school). He has met up with her twice, and neither time has gone well for me. Our fight about him not telling me exactly what was going with her is what eventually led to all this coming out this weekend. I am so torn. His female alter is also bisexual. She is the one currently pursuing her, although I know that other alters probably enjoy her company--the female one is the one that keeps pushing me to be "ok" with this. Anytime that I push back and talk about the boundaries of our relationship and the way in which I am comfortable with out "extracurriculars", she eventually comes out and tries to hurt me by telling me about how she wants to spend the night with this other woman. She wants to "cuddle" her, and she wants her as a girlfriend. All alters that I have talked with in regards to this situation continue to reinforce to me that this secondary to our marriage. I know that she tries to trick me, and the host (what I consider my husband) tells me that she does this. This past Friday night was when he last spent time with her, and after that was when all this went down. While he was with her that night, I had my own breakdown. He had lied to me and gotten upset when I demanded he come home. He stayed with her and I was home alone for several hours. My breakdown led to me calling and texting him over and over again while he was with her. (I say he because I thought there was just one at this time) When he got home I know now he was she. She was very angry and began ordering me around telling me never to interrupt "my time". Apparently this woman is now wondering about the nature of their relationship because he had told her that I was ok with the situation, and there have now been two times when I have interrupted them because I was upset (both times I had been lied to...i have never gotten mad about his time until i was lied to). The other woman now wants to talk to me before she will go forward with anything. My husband and the female alter have both talked to me about having a talk with her. With my husband he was understanding with me telling her that I am his wife and nothing comes between that, and that she just needs to understand that she can have some time, but nothing more. "She" was more demanding...I could tell that she wanted me to think that she was understanding, but when I pressed her, she was pretty demanding that she wanted them to be "girlfriends". I do not know how to go forward with this...the jealous side of me feels like this girl is going to get all the easy affection and attention, while I get to put up with the rest. I am the only person that knows about the DID, and he has told me that he will not discuss it with anyone else. I just don't know that this whole thing is a good idea. I mean we are just starting to deal with all of this, and now she wants a "girlfriend". There is another side to this too, though. What if this is what "she" needs? Can I make peace with her by giving her what she wants? I just don't know where to go with this. I think that if I don't do this for her she is going to make my life a living hell. She came out a lot last night as we were talking about this. When she is out, and I try to ask to talk to the host there are times that she tries to trick me and pretend that she is him. THen there are times that it is him, and I question who i am talking to and he gets frustrated. I just don't know which way to go, and I feel like I have rambled on forever. Please someone give me some insight because I am at a loss. I am so thankful to have found this board, and I know that I will be spending a great deal of time here.

Hi Allimac,<br />
<br />
My husband has DID. We are four years into therapy and his is at the end. Have you met any of the alters? Have they told you their name? Sometimes you may think it is your husband talking to you when in actuallity it is an alter who is. They are starting to feel safe and secure enough to let you know about them. This is when the system has fell apart. Usually due to health issues or a recent traumatic experience. When this happens it is a long road ahead. There will be time of great instability. Some DID persons become unable to work or carry on daily functions. There is never a dull moment and it takes years to heal. If you need to talk I am here. If there are any questions you have I will do my best to help you make sense of them. It can be very rewarding and at the same time a very lonely life. <br />
<br />
If you are in it for the long run you need to make connections with them all and get them on your side. Let them know you care about them and you are there to help them. Basically the same thing you do in your work. Be understanding. It is on more personal level, so it will be much harder than talking to a client. It will consume your entire life. I love all my husband's alters. They ar my world. I get an enormous amount of love, hugs, and kisses. They are very helpful, but at times I have no adult companionship for days or even weeks.<br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
<br />
Lisa = )

My husband did the same thing with the vague hints about what the truth was. He even explained at some point that he had conversations with two sides of himself often. He attributed it to the conflicting parenting styles of his mother and father so he made it sound like it was the dad side versus the mom side in his logical thinking, when he really meant - he was having a conversation with a person in his head. I found out the night before we got married when he transitioned (read: March 9th, 2010).<br />
<br />
I, of course, dove in head first. I refused to believe that there was only one alter as he believed, and very quickly another showed itself to me - trying to convince me to leave, then another, and another, and we kept just finding more and more of them over the past two years.<br />
<br />
We have never had professional help. While he had a therapist for awhile, she was useless other than someone to talk to but had nothing constructive to offer. Medications can help with his mood which helps him better cope with the DID but does nothing for the DID itself. In many ways we have done amazingly, in others we have fallen short. The real question at hand is: to dig, or not to dig?<br />
<br />
you have to look at the pros and cons. Is there a significant problem that needs to be solved? We ran into an alter that was threatening and very clear that he wanted to ruin Tray's life, we felt we had to figure it out. In many ways this was simply the alters way of getting us to dig and uncover the things we did. Currently Tray is in control of his system, 12 out of the 14 alters follow his orders, no one transitions without permission, ect. If it weren't for the other 2. . . we'd be all set. But that's a whole other story. Sorry, when talking about the DID it is very hard to stay focused.<br />
<br />
My point is: If you choose to dig things will get worse before they get better. It sounds as if your husband is very aware of his DID, his alters, and perhaps even has access to his inner-world. These are all huge steps. I think that you should encourage him to make allies. Work with his alters instead of against them, those that he can afford to. If someone just wants out to eat dinner and if you give them that they'll back off or even help him learn how to strengthen his role in the system, then by all means make that sacrifice - eat dinner with an alter. It is important that they like you, as well. Things are much easier when they don't mind your constant presence. I only have less than two years of experience, but it feels like a lifetime. Sometimes I think we could have benefited from moving slower. There are plenty of situations I wish I had handled differently. It's also important to remember that everyone's system is different, what is true for one or more of us may not at all be true for your husband.<br />
<br />
I think you should try to get a good read of the situation, how much co-operation is there, how much control does he have, is there anyone you should worry about? What is HIS approach to the situation? Unless there is a significant reason for you to push him harder, try to be patient in getting information. You mind will likely constantly go back to the DID as you want to understand it as completely as possible, but he may need to forget about it from time to time. And sometimes alters get really irritated when all you do is ask them questions about "how does this work, what happened this one time, what's it like?"<br />
<br />
I'm extremely scatter brained, but I hope this was helpful. Welcome to the crazy journey you're now on. =)