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New To This!!

I am in a new relationship (just 5 months) and within the first two months I had already fallen in love with this man. At around the 2-1/2 month mark of our relationship, his ex informed me that he had DID (thinking it would scare me off), which it didn't. Yes, I was confused and scared but as soon as he started explaining everything to me and I started researching DID, I embraced him even more. I don't think he has ever had someone in his life that just excepts him for who is and loves him unconditionally like I do. Every single one of his alters likes me and I have learned to interact with them as individuals. Here is my question to anyone that may have or is experiencing this. My relationship started with one of the alters because he was interested in me. The core personality knows who I am but we have never interacted and knows he loves me, but is confused by it at the same time. His alter I'm involved in says it's bcos he lets the core see and feel what he feels for me. I try to explain this to my friends but sometimes they look at me like I'm crazy for continuing this relationship. My answer to them is this. If I fell in love and found out he had cancer, I wouldnt leave him so why would I turn my back on him bcos of a disorder he has that was ultimately caused by abuse he didn't ask for. I'm sorry this is so long, it just felt good talking about it and knowing there are others out there who understand what I'm talking about. Thanks for listening.
Raffeee Raffeee 46-50, F 6 Responses Jul 29, 2012

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You are amazing. I wish everyone had an open heart like you.

Thank you, very sweet of you to say 😊

I fell in love with my boyfriend (who has DID) really quickly too...and stayed for seven years, feeling the exact same way you did - that I accepted and loved ALL of him and understood him in a way no one else ever had, that I was committed to the end. Guess what, the alters had another plan. The closer I got to them, the more love and acceptance they felt, the more some of the protectors inside decided they needed to PUSH ME AWAY so they could feel safe from "attachment" which in their childhood almost killed them (and caused the DID)...so, they left me for another woman who was "newer" and therefore not as threatening to the system...yet. His ex was telling you for a reason. Why do you think she was his ex?

I am in the same situation- I am a man in love with a woman with DID and i sometimes think I should end the relationship but feel so bad to do it- the emotional pain I have gotten over the last two years may be making me stronger... I want to try to be just a friend instead of a lover to support her but don't think I am strong enough emotionally to keep it as friends... when I finally figured out that she had this I also felt even more for her and want so much to help but it is a long road... she has never been to therapy for it and copes very well with it

Dear Raffeee, I have been married for 11 years to a man who has suffered from DID most of his life, but was only diagnosed 6 years ago when he disappeared for almost 4 months, leaving me to face the family, save the business, and defend myself to the police. This is not an easy road, and I would caution you to understand that. <br />
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I had to laugh when I read your comment "My dilemma right now is the core checks out so much bcos he can't handle what's going on and his alters are switched in a lot of the time." Please know that every time my husband and I have a disagreement, or he gets stressed for any other reason, his core checks out and his passive alter emerges, completely innocent of all charges, unaware that the disagreement or stress even happened, and sure that I am over-reacting. You will be living with these alters as long as you live with this man.<br />
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You also said, "I don't want to add more stress on the core but I think the alter just needs to switch out when I'm with him and let the core switch in." Dear, Dear Raffeee, your entire life will be about keeping stress out of his life. And what you want these personalities to do will not be the driving force. These inner personalities are fighting for their own survival and (In the words of our therapist), you are just collateral damage.<br />
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I know this is facinating and challenging now, but in 10 years you will be emotionally exhausted and wishing that you had not taken this route. Sadly, your unconditional acceptance will crumble under the weight of not knowing who you are living with on any given day. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I am so so so sorry that I took this route and am now too old at 68 to start over.

Thank you for your words of wisdom and I'm so sorry you feel like you made the wrong choice by staying with your husband and now feel like you have no other choice but to stay with him. I don't look at my relationship as fascinating or challenging, i look at it that i fell in love with this man, heart and soul and I know it will not be an easy road I have chosen. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses as they say. Thank you again and best of luck to you.

Domina,

I have been with my husband who has DID for 11 years. We realized he was dissociative about five years ago. He has been in therapy for 4.5 years now and with his determination, his therapist, and my unconditional love and support he is at the very end of the healing process. So much has happened, good and bad. I love each and everyone of my husband's alters. They have shown and taught me so many things. I wouldn't ever ever change a thing. I didn't choose to fall in love with him. I just did. We have a wonderful life together as he is my best friend above all. We have soooooooo much to look forward to. He is an AMAZING, loving, caring, and talented man. They all love me and would die for me. They would do anything for me. He is my SOUL MATE! Sorry, your situation is different, but not everyone's is the same.

Hello there. I myself have DID and I have been with my wife for over two years now. What you described is quite common among people like us. It's called "emotional transference." There is also a state called "Co-consciousness" in which everything the "Front" feels the co-conscious person also feels. But in this state emotions are rarely imprinted onto the person to the point that they stay there after the experience has ended. <br />
My advice is to really try to get to know the Core personality as well as the alter you are interested in. Good luck :)

Hello:
Thank you so much for responding to my post, I appreciate all the advice I can get. It is my goal to get to know the core personality and have a relationship with him and still interact with the alter as well. My dilemma right now is the core checks out so much bcos he can't handle what's going on and his alters are switched in a lot of the time. I don't want to add more stress on the core but I think the alter just needs to switch out when I'm with him and let the core switch in so I can introduce myself to him and us start interacting together as well. Again, he knows who I am but we have never been formally introduced so to speak. Thanks again for any and all advice.

I understand his pain. I retreated into my mind for around two years. It was hard to come back to reality after so much time inside. And I am facing an even worse situation now. But the point is, that although there are moments when you have to retreat so you can stay sane for another day; there is still the moment when you rise up even greater than before.

What an awesome way to look at it. It sounds like even with what you are going through, you seem to stay positive. I am trying to be that positive force in my boyfriends life and be there for him no matter what. I truly believe him and I came in to each others lives for a reason. Take care....

Hello:
I have a question about meds and I thought you may be the best one to ask. My boyfriend just started on meds, the first one lamictol made his switching even worse then ever so his dr just started him on risperdal. I have not heard from him (actually his alter I'm involved with) for over 24 hrs., going on 48 tomorrow morning Do these meds make the alters go away or is it just a transition period when he first starts taking the meds and then the alter(s) will be back? If I don't hear from the alter by saturday, I plan on messaging the core personality, which we have to start interacting anyway. Thank you again for listening to me and giving me your advice.

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Hi,<br />
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All of this makes perfect sense. My husband has DID. I didn't figure it all out until about six years in. I wouldn't change anything. I love him and all of the others. We have been through a lot together. It can work! Hang in there! = )

Thank you for your response, it's so good to talk with others who are also with someone with DID and to see that it can be an awesome relationship.. It is difficult sometimes but I stay positive and support him.