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Hopeless

Hi am new here, didn't know where else to go. My wife has DID. I have been with my wife for 10 years we have a 4 year old together. We both have been through childhood trauma. My wife is a educated and successful women, but when she comes home she is total different person. Everyone see her as a strong, confident, outgoing person. She has been in therapy for years and things have gotton a better. The beginning i was up every night with here helping throught all the nightmares, triggers, it was a roller coaster. Then things slowly got bad right before our child and am at the point were am not sure what to do anymore. She constanltly gives me mixed messages, blames me for everything wrong in our relationship, blames me for decisions she has made for herself that didn't end up the way she wanted. I went from being the girl that loved her to being the girl that ruined her life, but all am tring to to do is whatever will help make her happy.. I don't want my daughter to grow up in a broken home. Can anyone relate or help.
powerske powerske 31-35 5 Responses Sep 9, 2012

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Although it comes across that way please untderstand you are NOT the girl that ruined her life. Her life was ruined long befor she ever met you. It may be an alter that blames you and if you sure it's your wife then maybe she really doesn't remember the decision she made that turned out for the worst. They have memory lapses at times and especially when they had trauma with nightmares and flashback the night befor. It's difficult for the to function and yes they function great at work and are very competent them or together with an alter but at home they really battle. Getting into arguments is pointless most times as it tends to go round and round and you wind up feeling like you crazy. I totally understand and can relate to this as I too get up most nights and see to her and I myself feel like a wreck the next day. I wish the nightmares would stop already.
I wish you everything of the best.

I can't give you any advice because I just discovered what this is. What's helped me is some of the stories online. Your story describes exactly what I went through. So, thanks for sharing.

I am like your wife...First off I do not believe any of us want to be the way we are but I also think that it is a blessing in the sense that without our brains being able to compensate for the horrible things we have been though...we would not be here. My mind started shutting down when I was two. At that time, it also created different compartments, also becoming different individual personalities that were each came into an alternate that had and has a purpose to survive. I need therapy constantly because there are so many different alters that each have their own individual issues, be it mental, age and/or maturity, and they have each experienced different parts of our lives.

Thank you for such bravery in your recovery reflecting1. My intentions are kind and I am seeking more enlightenment for my own peace here. My ex gets justified then vindictive when her victim state arises from a trigger. She did some serious damage to me and my daughters when she went there. I'm getting through my shock and working through the loss and anger etc. after our divorce last year. I dated her for over a year before getting married and knew her professionally for over 10 years. Her host/manager is extremely competent and professional, her true self is so sweet and beautiful. She kept her DID from me and I probably wouldn't have been ready or able to understand it then. I reflect back the trigger thing and see the stress related switchs more clearly as I learn more about this disorder. I don't know if she knows she has DID but she told me once that she had a switch, showed a card with "victim", "perpetrator", "rescuer" and a triangle on it. She had got it from her long term therapist. When she came home from therapy I thought that she would be calm and relieved and often asked her for details. Wrong way to do it. :-) I get relief after therapy but survivors are probably processing some serious stuff at that point. She also has amnesia, especially in victim, then acts out, can't remember it the next day, and thought that I'm nuts for bringing it up. It must be horribly frightening to not know where one was for a day or sometimes longer. I loved her so much but our relationship became harmful for me and my daughters. Anyway, if you ever come across this send me a comment if you'd like. A little communication from a healthy and aware DID might help me a little. Understanding brings us peace.

Have you considered that maybe the age of 4 is a "trigger age"? and your child may be an unknown trigger to your wife? try asking and doing a little poking around and try to find out if that's whats going on.

when having DID or having a partner with DID being able to spot the triggers before they happen is a vary important skill in maintaining the relationship with the host and other people inside.

stay strong and don't give up :)
take care of your self.

- Jenny -

I can. My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. We too have a 4 yr old. Things over the past two years have been declining into a state of chaos. "all am trying to do is whatever will help make her happy" - I say this alot when talking about my wife, but no matter what I do part of her is not just angry, but furious about it, me, things she does, even things she succeeds in. She switches constantly and some alters are afraid to come out. I am at my wits end....we just started family counseling, but I know that she and probably I need to be in 1on1 ASAP. I am becoming resentful and am feeling a lot like a martyr. <br />
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I hope things get better for you. You are not alone

I grew up with rage addiction and it is common in my family. I know that there are web sites w info about it and it might seem strange but thereis a 12 step for it. I worked hard every day to change it and if you can get the alter on board to feel safe to try to understand the addiction part of the anger maybe they can work w the steps along w helping you not to feel resentful because really its just about feeling out of control.....just an idea. I wish the best for both of you errational anger is so hard on both sides