Why, After 17 Years Did She Cheat.

I caught my wife in  the beginnings of an affair. She was texting and emailing a guy that she met while out with her girlfriends dancing. This advanced to dancing with him and kissing him. His wife called me and told me of the affair and when I confronted my wife, she immediately came home from work and apologised claiming it was over and they never slept together, only kissed and danced together. We sat with our Pastor and she said that I was the perfect husband. Romantic, attentative, helpful,  good father and on and on. She did not say anything negative about me. She said that since she lost 125 pounds, she had been getting attention from other guys and she did something selfish. I have never held her back from going out with her friends, and now I have major trust issues with her. I find myself angry all the time and I am also becoming a racist because he was black. I am NOT like that. I agreed to stay and suck it up, but I am not sure how to handle the hurt. I cry frequently just knowing that I could not make my wife completely happy and she had to look elsewhere. If I did not have kids, I probably would have left. But then again, I love this woman like none other. I love her to the point where I feel like I have compromised any bit of my pride by staying with her. I feel like a louser for staying with her. In my anger lately, I have said things to her that I never woulod have thought that I could say. I have called her a "*****" and the "C" word in anger. This is NOT me either. Does ANYONE have any ideas on how I can get past this hurt?
raguza raguza
41-45, M
4 Responses Jul 2, 2007

I can totally sympathize with you. My husband of 15 years started texting with a woman he met at the neighborhood bar he goes to. This graduated into sex talk on the phone and swapping pictures. For a year and a half I tried to talk to him about his friendship with this woman and he would get angry. Then I found the pictures a couple months ago and was ready to walk out. He begged me to forgive him and gave all kinds of reasons why he was drawn to her. He has supposedly broken off all contact with her, but I'm still angry and I definitely don't trust him not to do this again with someone else. I'm 50 years old and wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, but now, not so sure. I too would like to know how to get over the anger and sadness.

There are a couple of things here. You have a lot of anger in you still, which is understandable. I would suggst you find a physical outlet to release that, so that it doesn't come out as racism or verbal abuse of your spouse. Also, you need to look deeper into your feelings and find out exactly what is in there. There are, no doubt, feelings of betrayal. Perhaps you feel she has not been sorry enough about what she did? Perhaps you feel that she does not understand just how much she hurt you? Take some space to really dig down into those horrible, dark spaces, because that's where the healing has to come from. Another thing - you quite probably have feelings of inadequacy, given that your wife went looking for stuff elsewhere. Take positive action on this front - find out what it is that she was looking for elsewhere, learn how to provide, and then give it to her as a reward for acknowledging how much she hurt you. That way, everyone wins.

Love is a choice sometimes. You'll need to take the time and make the choice - to love her still with all your heart, or not to. Its not an easy decision, and the commitment to stay is even harder - but you'll have to let her indescretion go and truly forgive her if your marriage is to continue. good luck.

The only thing I can think of it taking time for yourself. Do something for you and get out. With everything going on, what time do you have for yourself to get through it.