Should I Tell His Wife?

I have all the evidence that my wife is still texting this guy. Over 2000 texts in the past 2 weeks. Should I let his wife know and show her the evidence? I don't want to hurt her like I am hurting - that would be very insensitive of me. The question is, would she want to know? Another question is, if I do it will she want a divorce and then my wife will leave me for him? I want my wife to stop and to choose me and stop the affair with him. Would showing his wife backfire on me?

Part 2 - the other man is a PE teacher at my kids school. Should I tell the school? I have a daughter in that school that he would be the teacher for next year, and I don't want him to be. Should I ask the school to make special accommodations for my daughter and tell them why - show them the evidence as well? Or should I just take my daughter out of that school?
charlierose5012 charlierose5012
36-40, M
15 Responses Jun 2, 2011

My husband, a retired lawyer, had an 18 month emotional affair with a woman who is married to a lawyer. He finally ended it, but begged me not to tell the OW's husband because he feared that if they divorced (or even if they didn't), he could be sued for alienation of affection. Is that true? Even after two years, I am still sorely tempted to tell the woman's husband just for revenge.

Tell her.... she should know.

I am shocked you don't know what they're saying in the texts! I would've waited until she goes to bed or gotten up really early. That many texts! I would have to know. Although, not reading them is probably a reason how you can still manage to love her and want her back. My husband only sent about 15 and I'm ready to walk. Crossing my fingers for you.

Respect! cheers to you...

How did this turn out? I'm curious. I've been having an emotional affair. My husband has no clue...yet.

Now I'm going to jump in and my wife and I do have an open relationship and that is partly because of her cheating past. I would tell the wife and get it out inthe open for all parties. Cheating does not have to involve sex. it is sex that people get hung up but if your wife is hiding something of this magnitude and 200 texts in 2 weeks is big that is one text every 10 min. If it pushes your wifwe away then it would have happened sooner or later. As far as the school goes have your wife deal with it and have her put in a different class.

Charlierose, I hope that you get the desired results from your plan. You sound as though you truly have thought it through and are willing to accept either outcome (always an important point when handing out an ultimatum ). i hope for your sake that your wife does understand what she has been doing and makes the choice you are hoping for, and chooses you and the family you have together. If she does not, although you have a plan in place, and I am sure you will follow through with it, make sure also that you have some social and emotional supports in place for both you and your children. The adjustment will be difficult for all. <br />
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Do not be surprised if your wife waffles, even after she makes whatever choice she makes, but especially if she chooses the other gentleman. She will only then realize what she is truly giving up, and will most likely very strongly regret her decision. At that point you will again be faced with difficult decisions. <br />
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I wish you and your family much luck, and send you good wishes. <br />
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p.s. If this behavior is not at all like her, have you discussed jointly why she is driven to do this, and to cause you pain, and potential pain for her children? Would you and she consider working with a neutral third party to effect a better understanding of what each others needs are and how best to meet them, and where the needs are not being met on either side? Perhaps this might be part of your agreement if she chooses to stay with you, perhaps to prevent another issue such as this arising......

Thank you MissKR - the thing is, my wife is also an incredible person with a most loving heart. This isn't at all like her and that is what is the most confusing and difficult part of all this. I also hope she can snap out of this and realize just what it is she is risking. Everyone that I talk to thinks that my plan to talk to her next week and ask her to make a choice between me and him - work to save the marriage or to end it - is a good plan that will shock her back into reality. Because my plan is to hand her a printout of the 50+ pages of texts between her and him from the past 4 weeks (only the date/time of texts, I do not have the contents) and let her know that I will not accept this any longer. That I will not stay in limbo waiting for her to decide between us, while he gets all of her love and attention and I get none.<br />
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If she makes the choice not to save the marriage - I will be crushed, but I will also be prepared. I have the divorce planned out - from the kids joint custody schedule, to the talk with the kids, to the finances and separation of assets, and the already paid for Disneyland vacation. I will present her with this plan - all typed out - and tell her we can start the proceedings immediately.<br />
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I am ready - it isn't what I want, but I am ready.

cr5012, You sound like a an incredible gentleman, with a wonderful heart. I hope that your wife understands what she is risking with her choices. Kudos to you for having the strength to recognize what is important to you, and for being willing to work through the pain towards a goal you feel that is important. I am sure that you are a wonderful role model for your children.<br />
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One word of caution, please do not subserviate your needs to those of your wife's as you attempt to work on your marriage. You and your needs, wants, and desires are important and well.

@shyriss - I cannot read the texts - wish I could so I would know for sure. But no I would not necessarily leave. I can forgive and understand. As long as the affair were to stop immediately and she were willing to work on the marriage and get counseling, then I would definitely prefer to keep my family intact. It would be work and would take time to heal and trust again, but I could do it.

Being me I would have gone to the other woman and ask her for a 4some. <br />
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Seriously, this is Shania Twain’s story. I think the other wife is entitled to know what’s happening. Does your wife know you know? Shania’s best friend husband is the one who broke the story but they ended up marrying each others spouses I tell Ya.<br />
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Is the other wife sexy? If so open up and go for her and see the husband’s reaction

Personally I wouldnt tell her. How you deal with it in your marriage is up to you but informing her and forcing her into dealing with it is another thing. Nobody likes the messenger of bad news.

What happens in their marriage is between them. Although you may have evidence of texts, you don't know what is really going on. Better to mind your own business. They are both adults.<br />
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On the other hand, if you feel that you don't trust your wife, then you and your wife have an issue. If you don't feel that your needs are being met -- that you don't feel secure in the relationship because you suspect she may be cheating -- then present these fears to her in a way that you two might work together to meet your needs.

Just to add something form my perspective. In my case, my wife and I are still together - we have more or less worked things out. However, I feel a lot of guilt that I did not tell the other mans wife about his actions. She deserved to know what her spouse was doing. I did her no favours by keeping her in the dark. There is a reason for telling the other person beyond being vindictive. IN the moment, the vindictive reason is huge....but as that fades you realize that if you were in her shoes you would have wanted someone to tell you what was going on.

Wow - two totally different perspectives. I really appreciate it. Funny thing is I have been thinking about both of these perspectives and weighing both pros and cons myself and have been unable to resolve them. You both have given me even more to think about and weigh.<br />
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I think the biggest thing is the kids embarrassment. On the one hand, I do not want them to be talked about or the laughing stock of their school. My kids are well known in the school (lead parts in plays, daughter giving promotion speech, multiple awards, etc.) - and many kids would love to use this against them to knock them down a peg (jealousy). However, I am not the one causing the embarrassment by telling the school - my wife and the teacher are the ones by doing this in the first place. Why should I take the blame? Besides - even if I didn't tell the school, rumors spread like wildfires - people are going to know and talk no matter what. I won't have to say a thing and I think everyone will know soon after I split with my wife.<br />
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The wife is another matter. You are right that my only reason for doing it would be to be vindictive. But should I consider that she really would benefit in the long run from knowing?<br />
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I think that I won't tell either the wife or the school unless my wife refuses to stop the affair and to work on our marriage. At that time, I will be the one seeking the divorce. My wife already knows that I know who it is - she is under the illusion right now that by telling me they are "just friends" that this makes it ok for her to keep texting and talking to him. But she is either lying to herself or at least just me because "just friends" do not talk for 10 hours every single day (including weekends) sending hundreds of texts every day (an average of 1 text every 5 to 7 minutes). She told me she had stopped 6 weeks ago, and I haven't confronted her to tell her that I know that they still are texting as much if not more than when I first confronted her.

I think of this from the other side. I ask myself 'Would I want someone to tell me if they had information like this about my souse?'. The answer is a clear yes. I would tell her. Ignorance is not bliss. This is something affecting her primary relationship - she needs to know it. You cannot worry about what your wife and this guy will do as a result. If she is so gaga for this guy that she would leave you for him - then that is the way it must be.<br />
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I would also tell the school. They need to know that one of their teachers is acting inappropriately with a parent. The school itself should strive to create an environment where there is no conflict of interest between your child, yourself and a teacher. <br />
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This is your wife and the other man that are accountable for these things. They need to 'be adults' and be held accountable for their actions.