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My Husband Had/is Still Having?? An Emotional Affair With His Coworker. What Now?

On Friday night I discovered that my husband was having an "emotional" affair...(I will only call it that because I have no PROOF that they were physical). I found emails and pictures dating back to three years ago. She sent him pictures of herself in lingerie. She even sent him a link to a hotel just a few days ago that she liked to which he responded "when are we going". When I looked at the dates on these emails I was devestated. The first one I found with pictures of her in lingerie were sent the day before we got engaged. The others were sent around our first wedding anniversary and a week after our second child was born. There were so many of them I just didn't know where to start or what to think. In the emails he called her "perfect" said she was his "#1". I have been with this man for over ten years and married almost two years. We have two kids, one isn't even a year old and the other is three. I am deeply saddened and severely PISSED. I want out. I feel like there is no going back after this. If this happened less than two years into our marriage what will happen later on. I am not perfect. Obviously I didnt' give him something because he went looking for it in someone else. The fact that they work together makes it worse. He will always see her. I have no control over anything. I will never know if they are still having the affair. I will never know anything. I feel that the only thing I can do is leave. But everyone keeps telling me that "men are weak" and that I have to remember that people make mistakes. All I feel is pain for my children and for myself. I cant' get her face out of my head. I can't get the words he said to her out of my head. I am a wreck and somehow I have to find a way to be strong for my kids. I'm sorry if I am rambling but this just happened a few days ago and i'm a mess!!!! If I leave him is that the wrong thing to do? Is leaving without trying unfair to my kids? All I see is the two of them together. I know it will take years before I can start to heal. I'm so confused.
helplessandhurt helplessandhurt 31-35 8 Responses Apr 30, 2012

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If your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage, I think you should give him a chance. Especially since you have kids. I know you are hurt and it's hard to imagine how he could have done this to you especially with kids, and stuff. But what if your story could be a great one? Only time will tell.

I too am going through this decision process and feel like it's too late to save my marriage. You lovely ladies (and gentlemen) who have faced the decision of whether to stay or go in the past can probably attest to the fact that once the trust is gone it's hard, if not impossible to get back. For me, the idea that I would need to work hard on the marriage WITH him for YEARS just to get the trust back and still would never know the TRUTH or if he was doing it again is too much to bear.

Also, I tend to think that by telling him what I found (after getting some of a confession - I told him I had something on him but not what.... he slipped and gave me some details that he thought I had) all I've taught him is how to get BETTER at deceiving me. He needs help but I can't do that for him, and now that I've made my peace with my decision, I know that I don't want to do it for him anymore. Now, I'm grieving for the loss of the marriage I thought I had (please look into the grief process, I found it tremendously helpful) but now I know that the marriage I thought I had was not the marriage I ACTUALLY had.

I can't understand how I could waste more time (we've been together 7 years and married for 4) trying to fix something that he didn't think was worth 'fixing' within the marriage. If he genuinely thought something was wrong he should have spoken to me, we could have worked together on it, NOW he wants to work on it... because he got caught. You weren't lacking... he is (not was, he IS lacking).

What would be unfair for me is if I stayed and kept feeling anxious and depressed never knowing if he was doing it again. Until now, it was playing with my mind so much more, now I just feel relief that I'm not crazy, he was doing the WRONG thing and that it's not me, not my fault and I couldn't have saved this marriage from HIS actions. I didn't want to have to face the reality that I loved someone who didn't exist, my belief in him was misplaced and that sucks but one day maybe I'll meet someone who is worth it, if not, I have a beautiful son who is DEFINATELY worth more than anything to me. We will always have each other and I will one day explain that daddy chose his needs (immediate gratification) over his family.

So now we have a toddler who will miss spending every day with his dad but at least he'll know one day that mummy knew she was WORTH more, I want my child to know that lies, infidelity and deceit are wrong and that actions have consequences...

Good luck to you, this is a terrible journey, but hopefully at the end, we find ourselves again.

I am going through the exact same thing... but I am 8 months pregnant and newly married. The other Woman is an old friend that he got the job at the company and she isn't going anywhere either. I am struggling with all of the same decisions that you are right now - he says it's my hormones and that going to counseling will only reveal my 'Daddy issues' that he feels strongly I have. Only time will tell, but I am quickly becoming callous and feeling like I just need to 'live' with the situation and give up expectations that I thought I had held so dear and necessary in a Husband. This is all so unfortunate... why don't we realize what is so important and beautiful before it's gone?

It absolutely does not seem to him that you let yourself go - and you haven't. You have been selfless, caring, thoughtful and giving to your family. As I said, he did it because he could. Marriage means team work. You take care of the kids and he works for the money. There is no more important job in this world than being a mother or raising children and these are the most important years in the life of your children. You are putting down the roots for them.



He's a *****. Maybe he will learn from what he has done, maybe he won't. You are the only one who knows what you can live with. This is also a learning opportunity. If you let him get away with this it sets the tone for your children to know that it is ok to cheat on Mommy and get away with it. I suggest you work this out some how and keep your kids out of it - they should never know about this.

I will give you a man's point of view. First, you are in control of everything because you are in control of yourself! You can't control him only you! More than likely he was physical with her - but in all honesty, an emotional relationship is worse because he thinks about her. The reason he did this has nothing to do with you. He did this because he can, because you are trusting and he has the opportunity to. This is a flaw in him.



As for staying because of the children, not a good idea. It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. What man wouldn't want to have a loving woman home and at his side - a woman just like you. You won't be alone for long and your kids will be better off.



If you don't want to leave and I understand why you wouldn't then therapy is a must. If the job bosses find out there could be some major problems for both parties. You've got some tough decisions to make but remember you are in control - he is the guilty party. Don't let him throw this back onto you!

I hope you don't mind me asking but has this happend to you? I agree that emotional relationships are worse. I told my husband that. He claims he is going to stop. He offered to go to therapy. But the truth is attraction doesn't stop because you got caught. Obviously he can't control his attraction to this woman. If he could he would have. I don't fault him for being attracted to her. We are all human. And if I ever took him back I would always be aware of the fact that they work together and are obviously attracted to one another. It's just too close for comfort. Whether he goes to therapy or not doesn't matter at this point. If you break a plate you can piece it back together and eat off of it. But there will always be a crack in it. I know myself. I know I won't forget. I know I will question everything he does. A life like that wouldn't be fair to me or to him and definitely not our children. I never thought this would happen to me. I knew I was far from perfect but I devoted myself to my family. This morning he took the kids to school and for the first time in a very long time I had time to fix myself up and do my hair like I haven't done in years. All of a sudden it hit me. I never had time to do any of these things before because I was too busy taking care of him. Meanwhile he had nothing but time because he never helped me with the kids or with the house chores etc. So to him it must have appeared as if I "let myself go" when in fact I gave up myself to take care of him and his kids. And maybe that wasn't the right thing to do but because I love him I did it. Now I have to find me again and heal somehow from this horrible situation.

I found out about my husbands' emotional affair last year. I was devastated and now one year later I still have my doubts. Just like "freemytoes" I felt that my husband and I had a good relationship. Many people that know us are envious of "the love" we have for each other. Obviously it was just a farce..for him that is. It's a tough decision but it's one only you can make. Do I regret my decision to stay with him...yes sometimes but just like you I have kids too. The decision would have definitely been easier if I didn't love him. If you need to vent I'm happy to listen. Email me anytime. Hang in there.

It certainly sounds like it could have been more than an emotional affair. I mean the hotel propositions and lingerie photo's are very damning evidence. have you confronted your husband about this stuff?

I confronted him the second I found out. He swore up and down that there was no sex involved. I feel it in my heart that this was more than just a few emails. I feel completely betrayed and just numb inside. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is. I am pretty sure that I want out but for my kids I have to take my time with this decision. This woman works with my husband and is not going anywhere. I will never trust my husband again. I will always wonder if he is still involved with her. I might not have been the perfect wife but I was dedicated to my husband and our children. I am still in shock that this has happened at all.

I don't think it would be out of line to ask your husband to not work with this woman any more...even if that meas a different job. Does this woman have a husband? If so, does he know what is going on? As for whether to stay or go...its a tough call. I stayed with my wife after her emotional affair, but it (as far as I know) did not involve lingerie shots and hotel talk...if it did I may have booted her out. It is a tough call when kids are involved.

I forgot to mention that his mother and sister work for the same company as he does. This "other woman" sits right next to his mother!!!! She has two kids, each with a different father and a live in boyfriend who isn't the father of either. I read an email he sent to this ***** a week after our second child was born. It read "I promise.. you will always be my #1. You will always be sexy and you will always be perfect". Even after that email i'm being told that I have to realize that we all make mistakes. I really would like to know how i'm supposed to forget that email. OR the one of her in lingerie that she sent him the day before we got engaged. I want to scream right now!!!!

What your husband should understand at this point is that you do not need to understand that 'We all make mistakes'....he, instead, needs to understand that *he* was in the wrong and *he *needs to make fix this. Step one would be to work somewhere else and cut all contact with the woman. Step two would involve the long process of showing remorse and regaining your trust.

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I'd leave. It's easier on the kids if you do it while they're very young. Looking back, I wish I hadn't gotten back together with my wife after her emotional affair. Things are pretty good now, but it took years to get them that way. Even though I feel better about us now, I still remember how sure I was that things were good between us before the affair happened, and I sometimes wonder if I'm just fooling myself again. The lack of trust led me to care less about being honest with her, and our marriage will never be what I really want it to be.

I know what you mean about not caring less about being honest anymore. He couldn't offer me the same decency so why should I.