More Lies

So, I wrote earlier about my husband having an emotional affair with a woman from work. He still insists nothing physical happened between them, but I have made some discoveries in the last few days that I can't ignore. When I first found out about his emotional affair, I took my daughter, and went to a relative's house in another state, to get away for a couple of weeks. When I returned, I found many of the baby's toys put away, her high chair in the garage...and he had changed the sheets on our bed. In 10 years together, he has never once changed the sheets. In addition, he did NOT change the comforter, and I found several LONG black hairs in the bed... When confronted, he denies anything happened, and just said he was trying to be nice and clean up. If he was trying to clean up, he would have put things away in the baby's room, instead of hiding the pack and play (which HAD been in our room), half collapsed, in there. I know what happened. I'm not stupid. I just want him to own his actions, and face the consequences that come with them.

Anyway, I was in town for 3 days. Things seemed to be getting better, and he was being more affectionate. Then, I went out of town for a week to celebrate my mom's birthday. The whole week he was calling consistently, initiating texting conversations, etc. Again...a few small steps in the right direction. But then everything fell apart when I got home. I came home, and things were going well. Then I saw his bank statement. When I had been out of town the first time, trying to sort things out, he told me he had gone to Phoenix with some of his friends. According to his bank statement, he was actually in Disneyland. He said he lied because he didn't want me to be mad that he went to Disneyland without me. Again, a bunch of crap. He didn't want me to know because he went with a group of work friends, and she was there. He said he didn't know she was going when he bought his ticket. I told him that when he found out, he should have said he couldn't go, because it would damage his relationship with me. But, again, he did what he wanted to do. Not what would be the RIGHT thing to do if he was serious about working on our relationship. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I really don't know how to deal with it. He seems to be taking steps in the right direction, but then I find out about another lie from the past. It is killing me. If it wasn't for my daughter, I would have been out of here a long time ago. But I feel like after 10 years together, we owe it to ourselves to try. The problem is, I am about out of gas. I've tried to tell him that the infidelity will not be a deal breaker for me, because I already KNOW what happened. But I need him to OWN his actions, and tell me what he has done. The deal breaker here is going to be honesty. I cannot take another lie. I'm a good person and deserve to be treated better. I have been trying for a long time to reconnect with him and he knows what he is doing hurts me (and he does feel bad about that) but it is almost like he can't help himself. Any advice would be appreciated.
Feelingburned Feelingburned
3 Responses May 25, 2012

Good luck to you. Like SolFeather said, at least now you know. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent.

It sounds to me like he's having an emotional and physical affair and is trying to hang onto you in case it doesn't work out in the long run with the other woman. He's lying and showing you more affection than normal in an attempt to keep you around while he tries to get something more stable going with the other woman. He probably has feelings for her but wants the stability of a relationship and is scared he won't have it with her.<br />
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Before you move, make sure you get some legal advice. Some state laws can be odd regarding marital abandonment. In my case, my lawyer advised me to stay in my house at first. Even though my wife was clearly having an emotional affair, she hadn't stated any intention to leave me, and I had no concrete proof of a physical affair. If I had told her to leave, or if I had left, I would have been the one guilty of marital abandonment, not her. Once she stated her intention to move out, she became the one abandoning the marriage. It did make a difference in some ways legally.

Thanks for the advice. I actually found proof of the emotional and physical affair yesterday. Thousands of messages detailing how they did it in my house, in her office, etc. I saved every message and once the divorce is final I am going to forward it on to their boss. They work with kids and have been hooking up on the job. What losers.

That is horrible. At least now you know...and there are no more questions. I hope that Karma catches up to them...

That is absolutely horrible. There are two real issues to this really: The lying ...and continuing to spend time with this woman. I find that the lying and deception are the biggest damaging aspects to emotional affairs. With my wife's emotional affair, I still do not know exactly what went on...but have kind of accepted that she will never tell me the whole truth in the matter. But with continuing to see this other woman...workmate or unacceptable. In my situation my wife continued to chat with her emotional affair for a year after I discovered it...and refused to stop as it might 'hurt his feelings'. She once flew to a city close(ish) to where he lived for a gig (she is a musician). I was trusting but got very upset when she was on that trip as I went on our computer to Google Maps and found his house popped up as the default address. To this day she claims it was some sort of coincidence. I am reminded of this when I hear of your story of how your husband went to Disneyland with this other woman. He definitely should have backed out when he found out she was going. He was likely worried that it would cause a stir if he did so...but he has to consider your feelings above and beyond that of this woman or his work mates. That's the deal with marriage...and you would be well in your rights to demand that.

I appreciate your support. He claims to have no contact with this woman anymore, but I dont think he realizes that he has given me no reason to trust him and every reason NOT to trust him. He has become a different person since he started this new job... And it honestly seems like he is leading a double life. I'm better than that and will not tolerate it anymore. He has not put my feelings first in a very long time, and I deserve someone that will. I'm going to move out of state. If he wants to be with our baby and with me, he will move with us. However, I dont anticipate that. I think he is going to have to lose everything before he truly realizes his wrongdoing. At this point I am just looking at it as his loss.

You are a brave woman and I applause you for that. I wish you all the best, and you are right it is his loss, big time.