Rekindling An Old Romance.

While he was in university, my husband fell in love with this girl who was a good friend.

When he told her how he felt, she told him that she was interested in a relationship at that stage as she wanted to focus on her career and travel. My husband was leaving overseas for work and she did not want any emotional baggage.

They kind of kept in touch and a couple of years later she broke off even that contact.
I met him that year and a couple of years of dating we married. I always knew about this old flame of his and we even joked about her.

15 years later, my husband got in touch with her thru the Alumni site, they started writing to each other, she was in an unhappy marriage and her career had not been as crash hot as she wanted.

When I found out, I was very upset, my husband assured me it was just getting the old stuff out and they were not going to be in touch any longer.

I believed him.

2 years later I find out that they had re started the emails and phone calls and skype calls. The emails got more and more intimate.

I found out by accident when I was cleaning up, found an email address that was unfamiliar and when I managed to break the password, it was his and hers.

I confronted him with it, he confessed that he had been writing to her but he was getting uncomfortable with the emails and calls and wanted to break it off, infact he had seen her and told her that he did not want to be in contact any longer.

I was furious and contacted her husband and told him about the correspondence and wrote to her as well.

She wrote back to apologise for being "foolish"

But I still feel terribly betrayed. My husband insists that it was a crazy phase, he was getting a kick out of having her say all these things, because she rejected him all those years ago. He never wanted to take it so far.

we have a good marriage, 2 kids, great chemistry otherwise and to all others a great family.
I love him deeply, I have never loved anyone else or even imagined being with any one else.

Should I trust him now?
kalkas kalkas
41-45, F
6 Responses Sep 19, 2012

"My sense of shock and anger has eased, but the sense of betrayal remains" EXACTLY THE SAME FOR ME TOO!! I still cannot believe he would lie to me for 3 years, and he even promised, when I found out in July, to stop, and did not until I found out again in Sept. when I went basically nuts! I believe he has now, but honestly, anything seems possible now. I also wonder if there was anything else going on?!?! Such a big problem now, is my loss of trust for him.
She is MARRIED and lives in a different town 5 minutes away, so everytime my husband says he has an errand there now, I am worried. In Nov., I even found a file of photos of her, that he had copied from her FB page, and put in his work computer last year sometime , that he said he forgot to tell me about! I was furious! He insists that is all there was, but I still have many niggling doubts about it all. We went on a nice vacation without the kids, the first week of Jan, but the issue was still dividing us for sure! Yep, a 15 year itch for sure. I am sure none of this would have happened without the internet, I think he found it a relatively "safe" way to have a flirtatious affair with an old infatuation, from what I have been reading, this is becoming quite common now....but....for 3 years???? Keep in touch !!

Hi pauladee, I hope 2013 is better for you.

I cannot believe how similar our experiences are as well, makes me feel that maybe there is more of a 15 yr itch rather than a 7 year one!

Maybe it is an ego thing, my husband said pretty much the same thing, he wanted her to acknowledge that she had made a mistake in breaking off with him all those years ago.

My sense of shock and anger has eased, but the sense of betrayal remains.

Is this woman in a relationship currently??

I did ask my husband to look for a transfer and moved away from his ex, so they dont run into each other all the time, more so that I feel better.

Thanks for replying kalkas, I needed to talk to someone who has gone through this. I am still in shock, we have been married 22 years, and I thought it was a really good marriage. My husband and I used to "joke" about this lady as well! One real concern I have, is that she lives very near us (5 minutes away), I am wondering if we should move now? He says he was just trying to see if he could get her interested in him, as she never was before when he was younger. Well, I want to know, what were his long term plans, if all his flirtations did "get her" after all??!! I feel so betrayed, and so concerned that it went on for so long, and he did not feel guilty about it during that time. Keep in touch, and let me know how it is going with you, our experiences sound VERY similar!

Pauladee2,

I can totally understand what you are going thru. It has been some months and I am still struggling to get past my husband's betrayal.

You really need to have a frank and open conversation with your husband. Find out what he wants from that connection with the ex, is it something he can stop if you demand it and if he values what the 2 of you share.

Hang in there and also try and figure out what you want, is it going to be worth saving your relationship.

Good luck and God be with you.

I just found out that my husband has been involved in almost the same thing (with an old flame), except it went on for 3 years! He has stopped it only because I found out, 3 months ago. He actually started it up again, even after I found out, but then stopped when I discovered that too. Even though it SEEMS that they were "just flirting" together online, the fact that he lied to me about it for 3 years, and kept it secret is very distressing to me, and now, 3 months later, I am having a very hard time getting past it, and am wondering whether I am safe to stay married to him or not!

The trust is the toughest thing. I have been the vitcim of a similar emotional affair and the trust is so tough to get back. It is tough when your spouse lied to you so frequently and expertly. It is tough when you find the depths of the deception used to continue the affair. This is what is really difficult to recover from. But it does happen. In my case, my trusst in my wife has increased since her emotional affair...but it has never repaired completely. Nor do I think it will ever repair completely. I still have doubts and worries that she is doing it again....though most of these are minor and I deal with them internally.

This type of emotional affair is most common with the rise of internet technologies. Secret Email accounts, skype contact....all of this happens because of the technology. Your husbands emotional affair would likely have never happened without it.

I agree, I am struggling more with the fact that it was so easy for him to hide this and that I was stupid not to see the signs.

I also agree that technology played a big part, because she does live overseas. I feel violated because my husband gave her his Facebook password so she could see and download his pictures from our holidays together, I have visions of her doing blackmagic on my kids and my pictures!

I am glad you say your relationship with your wife has recovered from this sort of thing, at least there is hope!

There is hope for sure. I would not say it is completely recovered, but 98% recovered. I am not sure I will ever get taht last 2% back.

I should update my story here. I talked about healing, but I discovered in early october that my wife had never stopped her emotional affair, and it had progressed to a physical one over three years ago. I was the one that was healing through all this...but she just went further into the betrayal. We are now separating. I hope it goes better for you...but you need to put your foot down....HARD....or your husband will do the same thing.