Still Angry...still Hurt

My husband had an emotional affair back in April. I stayed for the kids. Sounds dumb I know but my kids suffered while he wasn't living at home. I failed them by choosing such a selfish piece of shhhhh to have kids with. But it's too late to go back and change that. I have good days and bad days but no matter what I regret staying with him. I know that I will never allow myself to love him as a wife should love her husband and i will never wear my wedding ring again. I admit that I am what's keeping me here. I know I can just walk out that door. But what about my kids? They deserve so much more.
I dream of love that is real. I know that movies make love seem like a fairy tale. And I'm old enough to know that no love is perfect and happily ever after is simply what is written at the end of a fairy tale. But there is a such thing as being happy with the person you're with....isn't there????
helplessandhurt helplessandhurt
31-35
4 Responses Dec 1, 2012

That sucks. You should not stay for the kids though...kids deserve to see a model of a healthy relationship in their parents. I feel for you though....I am going through my own hell right now...I know how it feels.

My husband is trying to be a better husband but I still feel like we never really addressed what got us here in the first place. He has always been super quiet. He has never been a big talker. But now more than ever I need him to talk to me. All he says is that he doesn't know why he did it but he knows it was wrong. My heart just can't forgive him. I feel so betrayed. His affair went on for four years. He says there was no sex but I don't believe him. What's worse is that during those four years we got married and had two kids. I will never understand this. I have tried so many times to move forward but I can't. The pain is too great. I feel like a fool. I feel like I let him get away with it. My God if you saw this girl!!! I guess her mini skirts and boobs spilling out of her shirt are what "did it" for him. She is beyond trashy and apparently having two kids with two different fathers wasn't enough. She needed my husband as well!!! Ok I'm rambling. I just have so much anger in me that I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I'm so sorry! Have you considered counseling? A good therapist could help you both get through this. My husband is also not a talker, so getting info out of him was hard at first. You will go through the asking questions stages and feel like if you just knew why he did it, it would help you to understand and explain the affair. But sometimes dear, there is no good explanation as to why husbands do what they do. In your case, and mine there was this certain female who pursued and flattered. Men like that sort of thing because they like respect. Men are wired differently from women. They can also compartmentalize their feelings (it's as if we are in a different box and not related), therefore can justify in their minds something like this. Women on the other hand would not be able to separate one from the other. I just hope that because your husband is trying, that you could get help, and you do need help and support. It's very hard to deal with this alone. Your mind will just go everywhere and drive you crazy. But with help and time, and your husband willing to change of course, the pain gets less and less. Hang in there!

Wow thanks so much for your reply. It feels good to hear from people who have been through this. Unfortunately this emotional affair issue is more common than I thought. I do agree therapy is the answer at least for me that is. My husband is so emotionally closed off. He keeps his feelings inside and when he does show emotion its more like he is saying what he thinks I want to hear. It's so hard not to think about this. My kids adore him and I would never want to give up without trying. I just feel like he wants me to sweep this under the rug and act like it didn't happen. I can't even bring myself to wear my wedding ring for crying out loud. To think two days before we got engaged he received half naked photos of her. Why did he ask me to marry him if this was going on?? I can't forget this and I really don't know how to begin to even think of forgiving him.

Time heals, even though it doesn't feel like it. I was falling apart a month ago. Today, I don't feel like I'm being ripped open every day like I used to. My brain is no longer consumed with crazy thoughts of hows, whens, whys. Those thoughts do pop up from time to time, but not like before. You have children, so for them, give it a go. What is your other alternative? To leave? Well, if your husband doesn't want to change, that will happen eventually. But for now, take things one day at a time. See a good therapist that will help you communicate together. And don't feel too bad that he wants to move on. Really, they do want to MOVE ON! They hate having to hear us ask questions and ask for details. That rips them open every time we mention it. Yes, they deserve it, but in the end, that's not what's going to help us heal. We need to know that this will never happen again. Can we be certain after a betrayal? No, but his actions will show. And then you can decide what you want to do. But for now, take it one day at a time. You need to get your feelings out or you will go crazy. Unfortunately, your husband is not always the best person to vent to. Hang in there!

I agree with tropicalislandgirl...as long as he is working on regaining your trust and remaining faithful there is hope. As much as you want to teach your children to find happiness and to have strong relationships, you also want to be an example of forgiveness as well. Remember that forgiveness is not an event, it is a process. It doesn't make the hurt go away, it makes you able to push through the hurt until you reach a place that doesn't hurt anymore. The forgiveness isn't for him, it is for you. You're not dumb for staying for your kids, but now you may be strong enough to live for you and not just live for them anymore. I am recovering from the same situation...if you want to stay or leave, forgiveness is necessary for both.

Hey Friend, sorry to hear about your hurt! I went through that and more, but there is hope! What's going on in your marriage since? Is your husband trying to change? I don't think women are stupid for staying with husbands who have cheated on them. If a husband is willing to change and save his marriage, we should give them a chance. If a husband however is NOT willing to stop having affairs, that's a different story though. I hope you reply so we can figure this out together!