Husband Had Emotional Affair

My husband also had an emotional affair with a woman from work. It began last January. He talked about this woman constantly, said they were good friends, and always talked about how nice she was, how she understood him, how they connected spiritually, so I alway kind of suspected that something was going on. Additionally, around June/July, he began to be acting really distant from me and the family. We had our third child in July and then things just got worse. He stopped sleeping at night, and he never helped out at home anymore, he barely paid attention to me or the kids. He always seemed like he wanted to be somewhere else when he was with me. Of course, deep down I kind of knew he liked this woman, but I never ever would have suspected in a million years that he would like another woman. He always told me he loved me, and we had really good sex up until the baby was born (after that it wasn't as good, but that usually takes time).  Anyway, about 2 months ago, he was totally distracted and we began fighting a lot. He was contantly getting annoyed at everything I said and when I said I wanted to talk, he said "I don't have anything to talk to you about." Well, about 5 weeks ago, I found an email that he had written to her-it was a very innapropriate email.  I confronted him, and yelled at him for about 4 hours straight-basically all night. It turned out he had a crush on this woman since January, and in June, he had finally admitted the crush to her and she said she had feelings for him too. Well, they would talk for hours at work, email constantly, and he was giving all of his emotional energy to her, and none to me or the family. Finally, a week before I found the email, he met with her to tell her he needed to break it off. Instead of breaking it off, that conversation ended in a kiss. After that kiss, the emails between them became very innapropriate. They hadn't done anything else (yet) because my husband had been out of the office the whole week and they had only seen each other once since the kiss. But who knows what would have happened had I not found that email. Anyway, I am so incredibly hurt, betrayed, overwhelemed, angry and depressed about the whole situation. I always thought we had a good marriage-not perfect, but good. He says he never loved this woman, he always loved me, but that he felt our marriage was not good. Basically, he felt very confined in the marriage, felt that I was controlling him and judging him for everything, and she was this non-judgemental person who basically stood for everything I am not. He felt comfortable talking to her about everything that he could not talk to me about. It has already been over a month since I found that email, and I am still feeling the pain as fresh as in the beginning. We are going to counseling, trying to work this out, but it turns out my husband has much bigger problems than I could have thought. He's just unhappy with his life, doesn't feel happy or complete with anything, and was turning to her to try to fill this void in his life. He's also been having a lot of problems recently with sex (getting and maintaining an erection), which he thinks is probably due to his stress and anxiety.

The problem is that I still love him and still care for him very much. And he is still working with this woman every day-his office is right next to hers. He also still has very strong feelings for her, and they are still friends, although he tells me that they are not talking about emotional things anymore. I am having a very hard time trusting him about anything. Whenver he's on the computer, I think he's emailing her. He is trying very hard to be upfront with me and to give me back his affection and emotional attention-I see that he is trying, but sometimes I just break down and cry or yell at him. And I know he still has feelings for this woman, because he comes home from work sad very often. I ask him what's wrong and he says he's just uncomfortable, but I know that he is sad because his relationship with her is over and he wants that relationship...

I don't know what to do. How do I regain trust if I don't know what is going on at the office all day? And how do I get my husband back if he is with this woman that he cares so much for every day, working right next to her?

TK1788 TK1788
4 Responses Dec 21, 2008

yikes, I am sorry about that, I been in a very similar situation, a hoe from the office would not let him in peace.... however my husband did change jobs, but it didn't matter much cuz it was near the old one, so she would drive to his work so they could have lunch together and etc... I am too trying to decide if it is worth saving my marriage of 8 years, but I don't have kids though. , and when i finally caught him, he send her an email and said to her never contact him again and delete all his phone numbers and email because he wanted to save his marriage... but its past 1 year since it happened and I still hate him and honestly I lost all the respect i ever had...

I have the same situation. Husband with a woman from work, he talked about her alot. Mostly about how much he disliked her. Until one day, he started making excuses for her. Anyway, it's been about 2 mos. We're more open and honest with each other and I feel closer to him now than I have ever. Sad to say, but I don't care. I would rather trust him and feel he was honest to a fault like I did before. If we didn't have 5 children together, I would've just left. This kind of a thing is just a deal breaker for me. So I guess our relationship is evolving.

My husband had an emotional affair a year ago with a woman he worked with as well. I know what you're going through. It's been few months since you posted but I know step by step where you're at. I hope you come back on and say how you're doing. My husband started working from home (he was lucky that his employer let him do that), otherwise I don't know how I would have coped knowing he would be going into work and seeing her each day. We also went to counselling, which helped so much. We are definitely at a place now that a year ago I couldn't even have imagined. My husband also had "stuff" he was dealing with and was using the woman basically to fill a void in him. Which actually made me angry that he choose that way.....however, can't turn back the clock. Looking back now 13 months later I see how far we have come. We have rediscovered each other and take our marriage for more seriously. I still do struggle with trust every now and then. I do wonder if a day will come that I will be able to trust him entirely. I do hope you and your husband are doing better and that you're both working at saving your marriage. I do think your husband should find another job to get away from this woman.

I have been in the same thing for 11 years. I hate say this but he has to find another job or get a divorce. Him being around her is the worst thing for your marriage. Mine is still the same, her at work and he is has gotten terrible with me. I do not know how old you are but whatever you do do not repeat my life and be miserable and older in 10 years while they smile and laugh and all at work behind your back. You marriage cannot survive unless one of them leaves work and he tells her it is over while you are standing there. Period. Good Luck