Broken Hearted

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have never had the perfect marriage, but I love him very much. He had a son w/his first wife and we now have a daughter together. We have always had issues over honesty, but it has never had anything to do with another woman until now.  My husband has a very addictive personality and so my trust issues have always been about gambling or drinking, etc. But I have just recently uncovered a secret relationship he has been having with a friend of ours.

We have know her for almost the entire time we've been married. He son and my stepson are in the same sports that my husband coaches. I think of her as one of my close friends. We have been on trips together andspend a lot of time together during sports seasons. I don't think anything physical has happened yet, but I'm not for sure. I have confronted my husband about it and he swears I'm crazy that he doesn't even think of her like that. But I know he's lying. They have been sending numerous text messages back and forth almost every day for almost 3 months. Text messages that were all deleted from my husbands phone before I could see them. When I asked him what they were about he says "Nothing." He claims they were all so harmless he couldn't even imagine what they were talking about. I don't believe that for a minute and the fact that he won't tell me anything is driving me insane.

I have not confronted my friend because I really want to believe she would not do something like this. She has been cheated on herself by her exhusband. I would never think she would do that to someone else. But she has went through another breakup over the last year and has said herself, she's not in a good place. I have said things to her and let her know that there are problems with my husband just to see if the info gets back to him, and it does. So I know they are talking. I have asked her things that she had lied about as well. I don't want to ruin a friendship over nothing, but I feel like I need to ask her upfront about it. I cant get it off my mind. It's all I can think about, and I'm really not sure if I am going to be able to get over it until I get them both in a room and question them together. But my husband thinks I'm just a pyscho.

I don't want a divorce, and I don't want to loose my friend either, but I just have to know the truth. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

tearsinoklahoma tearsinoklahoma
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 24, 2010

The texting is most likely very flirtatious, teenager type stuff. I'm sure he'd be mostly embarrassed if you read it. My experience of this sort of thing is that if one partner is acting this way there is most likely a reason for it - something missing or gone wrong in the marriage - and if there's something missing in the marriage it affects and applies to both of you equally. So you could probably ask yourself what might have gone wrong and be able to come up with close to the right answer. I suspect it is no one's fault in particular, rather an unfortunate sequence of missed signals in the marriage followed by an opportunity seized outside the marriage. Ask yourself: if the opportunity had come your way is it possible you would have reacted the same way? Once you take off the rose-colored spectacles and be honest with yourself (about how both of you are) it might make more sense. But it won't be pretty; I'm sorry. Good luck to you.