i am afraid i have

I think i do have an std. I feel so embarrassed but since the rape I haven't had sex with any one - thats over ten years ago now. I live with the fear of being positive to aids, hiv. the rape was a big mistake... I didn't know what I was getting into and he took advantage of me as a virgin- I wasn't really wanting to have what he did. It was too rushed and as a result I collapsed and the pain for that headache has never gone away, and not being able to breathe.

I keep getting tessts done just incase - well, he was a married man and had had heaps of affairs and appeared to be proud of his exploits and had no concern for what he did to me. somehow I feel i carry more of the shame trusting him, then he does for knowingly taking advantage of me, a virgin. to me the moralaity of it lies with him not me. he was worldly and older I was nieve and a virgin and it was painful afterwards. He told me he had been to asian countries and I guessed for the sex tourism. I really wanted to run away that night but I was frozen and the trauma came out later.- i think i hid the fear from him well. but i was shaking and it was immoral. i should have said wait, no...i shouldn't hyave gone out with him at all for the day. we were gonna just go ROUND BRISBANE AND TAKE IN A FEW CITY SIGHTS. I NEVER TOOK A CHANGE OFF CLOTHES OR ANYTHING, BUT HIS MATES KNEW TO RING THE HOTEL...WHY? WE NEVER PLANED TO GO THERE SO HOW DID THEY KNOW? WAS IT ALL A SET UP? HE GAVE ME A DRINK OF ALCOHOL, I DIDN'T THINK I'D LOOSE VISSION SO EASILY. BUT COMING TO ON THE FLOOR WAS A FEELING I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE AGAIN. THAT FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE WITH OR HOW YOU GOT THERE? IS BIZARE AND FRIGHTENING. THE WAY I HAVE BLOCKED OUT THINGS AND MEMORY FLOODS BACK OCCASSIONALLY IS SCAREY TO ME. LIKE LOOKING DOWN AND SEEING BLOOD ON THE FLOOR ND IN MY VIRGINA... FEELING SO DISORIENTATED AND OUT OF CONTROL OF WHAT IS AHPPENING TO ME... I HATE THAT.

SO I WAIT... KEEP HAVING TESTS AND TRY TO CONTROL THIS SENSATIVITY ISSUE WITH MY GENITALS, AND THE PAIN OF WHAT I CAN NOT EXPLAIN.... NIKI AT THE HOSPITAL SAID TO ME THIS MAN DATE RAPED YOU. - WHY DID I LET IT GET TOO OUT OF CONTROL? WHY DID HE ACT LIKE HE WAS DOING ME THE FAVOUR WHEN HE WAS THE ONE WINNING AND i WAS LOOSING OUT. IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED. HARD LESSON LEARNT... IT WAS NOT LONG AFTER I GOT MY DRIVERS LICENCE, BUT THAT FREEDOM DIDN'T LAST LONG. I DON'T DRIVE NOW CUZ OF MEDICATIONS AND ANXIETY.
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Jul 20, 2010