Memories Of A Faded TaleIt’s March and it’s snowing. The bizarre weather is like a reflection of my heart, if I have any. In snowy weather we met, in snowy weather we parted, in snowy weather I missed you. I long for your touch, your smile, your kind words but it’s all gone now. You are gone from my life, perhaps forever.
Sometimes I resent you, other times I can’t but imagine the wonderful, magical moments we shared. Meeting you on that cold, foggy January Monday afternoon was perhaps the best and worst thing that happened to me.
Most people don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do. The moment I bumped into you at the bus stop outside of UBC, you stole my heart away. A little voice whispered to me, “He is the one.” At that moment, I wanted to stop and kiss you, to say you are mine and I love you forever, my soulmate I finally found you. Secretly, wishing that I could have your number, you asked for mine and my world started to change. I began to bloom like a flower swaying in the spring air.
Before I met you, my heart froze for so many years, chilled by the obstacles life threw at me like the death of family members, unreturned love, and heart-wrenching betrayals. To me, you exude warmth and love, something I could only dream of discovering. In your words, I found care and understanding. The frost inside me finally started to melt because of you. You have nourished my heart like the spring rain bringing hope to the snow-covered earth.
I remember each moment like yesterday, so vividly, vibrant and vivacious. It’s hard to believe that its over. Each time I try to forget about you, I fall more and more in love with you; I can’t forget about you. My heart has never left you. This is how I can keep my promise to you.
I promise to love you and be there for you, forever but I was so weak I couldn’t take any more pain. You hurt me too much. The night you called me, crying and sobbing. You told me about your “man”, your other “sweetheart.” I felt so jealous. I gave you all the love you would need, all the trust, all of me. You abused that, it felt like you took at sharp dagger and stabbed me in the heart. I bled of hope, it vanished as quickly as the fire consumed your love letter to me. My heart told me to stay with you but my mind will not let me.
I thought if I left you, I would not feel hurt anymore. I was wrong and selfish. Each night I lay awake, on my bed, wondering what would have happened if I stayed, if I persevered. Thinking that perhaps if I stayed, I could have inspired you to be a better man, I could have shown you the strength and endurance of real love. Is it over now?
In my mind, our memories haunt me. I walk around possessed by what we had, by what I lost, the magical walks around Stanley park, the memorable laughter on the jungle gym, the sweet warm cookies and the safe feeling of your embrace; all just memories of the wonderful times we shared when our paths crossed. Starting from our first date, I will never forget how our relationship blossomed. You stood there, at Subway, working, I sat there watching and smiling at you. You smiled back. When our eyes met, our smiles were so wide that our eyes transformed into crescent moons and our mouths showed off our teeth. It reminded me of the most simple and youthful happiness, untainted by the passage of time. We were in our own world. Somewhere no one could ever touch.
After you got off work, we went to Jericho beach. It was foggy, cold and dark with the occasional street light scattered here and there. In your arms, I was not scared because you were there to protect me, to be with me. As we walked around, you took my hand and twirled me around. I looked deep into your dark brown eyes and my heart melted even more, slowly you leaned in and I closed my eyes. You kissed my forehead, your soft lips pressing against me, sucking my soul into you. I was in love and still am.
The next night, I talked with you on the phone and you told me about your past, your family, yourself. You said your father past away when you were nine and you friend told me that your mother abandoned you. I know something like this can scar the heart of a young child. Sometimes I can see that pain in you, conjuring doubt of my love for you.
Each time you doubt my love, each time you question my sincerity, I tried to understand the baggage you carry. I tried to standby you. The most devastating memory I recall was when you called me at 3 am, on Valentine’s day, you told me, “Lets call this off, lets call this off. Goodbye Emily” This came out of nowhere. I couldn’t sleep the whole night, each moment I tried to snap myself back to reality and accept what you decided but I couldn’t.
As the salty tears run down my cheek, I gasped for each breath like a fish out of water. I couldn’t understand why the three words “I love you” was so important, I thought by showing my love for you is more important then three little words. I thought it was obvious that I am completely in love with you; I am yours and only yours. When you questioned me, like that, when you test me, like that, it breaks my heart. Perhaps your looming history caused you to think that a woman can’t love unconditionally, I can, I do; I am different.
Finally, 12 hours later, we made up because I saw how important you wanted to hear those words so I said them, even though I was uncertain if you would say it back to me. I worked up the courage and said it to you. When you said it back to me, my world lit up like fireworks lighting up the clear summer night; we were so much in love.
I would have given you anything and everything. I have walked through the pouring bone-chilling rain to bring you cookies because I thought you looked tired and having some cookies might cheer you up. I tried my hardest to make you happy, yet my efforts seemed futile because you don’t trust me and listen to me, that is why I left you.
When I look back, all I have now is memories to hold onto, without you they seem just like dreams. Sometimes I wake up at night wondering if I dreamt all this, then I see the photos of how happy we used to be, I know it was real. It is real. As real as the last glance of you, I saw you through the Skytrain window, the last smile, the last wave, the last of everything we held so dearly to our hearts. Some will say memories like that fade but I will remember it as vividly as yesterday.
Walking the path alone now, taking the pathway that we used to stroll, hand in hand, where we sang, “I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea,
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.”
This was our song, Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply.” I believed that at some point we “truly madly deeply” loved each other, despite all our disputes. Sadly, it is all gone because of the mistakes we both made and my lack of endurance for both your pain and mine.
The coldness penetrates my body now; your warmth is not there to protect me anymore. I resent and hate myself for not staying with you. I should have never broken my promise of being with you, forever, but you broke my heart, my dear. I have endured so much agony from you. I am sorry; I couldn’t stay a minute longer. You may never forgive me; you probably hate me. I wish I could do something to mend our scars but I know nothing will heal the pain we have caused each other.
I feel helpless. Nothing will be the same. Due to our brief encounter, we have changed for better or for worse. I only hope that our paths will cross again. I have forgiven you and I still miss you very much. Is that possible to do so after everything that happened?
I wish we could turn back time and go back to how we used to be.
After 8 month my wish came true, all the praying at the temples, all the crying at night, some how it was all worth it because you came back. As I walked towards you at the bus stop, I was speechless you looked even more handsome than before. You took my hand and we started walking. I didn’t know what to say the moment was too overwhelming. All I know was seeing you made me so happy but confused as well. I thought to myself I really did love you and you really did break my heart, is this going to happen again? I really hope not. We walked to your house with the soda you bought, there was an awkward silence because it felt as if nothing had happened like we never broke up.
Our love rekindled and the flamed burned brighter and stronger than before, we were inseparable. Every moment felt so perfect like when we walked through the night hand in hand underneath the stars, when we slide down the hill in each others arms and when we ran across the street laughing. Those were the special moments and I relive every moment when I fall asleep with your T-shirt against my cheek, read your text messages repeatedly.
It was so special what you did on my birthday, we went to a skating rink to learn how to skate together. You were there to protect me and made sure I didn’t fall. It was so simple but I loved it. I love you. You were always there to protect me. I never doubted for a moment that I loved you and you loved me. But recently, after Aileen’s talk with you, you took a 180 turn. You weren’t there for me anymore. I am on my own again. You found a new friend Chris and you lied to me about spending time with me. I don’t know whether to be angry, sad, frustrated or just indifferent.
I wanted to yell at you, I wanted to hate you. I wanted to forget but just thinking about how we shared new years, boxing day and other holidays together makes me just crawl into my blanket and cry. Do you know how much I am hurting?
I got my wish to be with you but I understand now that wishes may come true and what happens after is just a fictional fairytale where happily ever after are meant for books read to sleeping children so they can fall asleep and dream till they wake up and face that harsh reality that nothing is more than just a temporary fantasy, an escape from the nightmare that is life. As much as I want to hold on to this dream, I think we both have to let go of this lie sometime. I hate you for leaving but maybe that was for the best.
to be continued .......