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The Love That I Had In My Heart But Never Opened Myself Up

Hey i am 27 years Girl. I am well educated and I have a superb job.

Today i am gonna write my story; a story that i never shared with anyone.

College is a place you are to meet strangers when you join and you happen to lose frnds when you graduate.
My college life was no different, i made a lot of frnds - good ones as well as bad ones... I remmember one special frnd - he is still in touch with me, i know a lot that's going on in his life - he calls me all the time even today - he makes sure he calls me when he is extremely happy and also extremely sad... He is like this guy with full of energy, he knows i dont interact much with guys but some how made me talk to him, i don't remember how and by wat... But i am sure, when he talks i listen a lot... even today....
Whenever he is around i never feel alone at all, sometimes we tend to ignore everybody around us when we talk to each other - it happens so naturally, we dont even see it happening... He has shared with me his life tragedy, his 1 st love - his secrets everything - i dont understand how a person can be more open to me, a person like me... He takes care of me, even the petty items...

There were times in college were all my seniors and juniors thought we were lovers, we tried hard to show that we were not lovers. Bcaz that time i think we had each other by ourside we didnt miss each other so much...

I still dont understand what he saw in me, why am i so special... I felt at one point of time may be I am in LOVE with him... But i was not sure at all.. Caz this guy even shares his crushes and his new girl frnd - judging her etc everything to me without hesitation - Till date i dont understand whether he loves me, and is he scared to expose caz i know him too well... or he doesnt want to ruin this tell it all relationship with me... I dont understand at all...

Whenever I was in pain he was my consoling haven, we discuss a lot. He has visited my home... He has met my parents, he knows my brothers. My brother once asked me whether I was in love - i denied (as usual i was not sure...) I dont understand how my brother poped that question 1st time i brought my frnd home. ???!!! i think brothers are genius they understand u someway !!!

He is like my 3.00 am frnd, i know i can call him anytime and he will be there to answer me. This guy is fun to have around, he is a loyal kind frnd. There were times when are conversations went intense, he used to say to me," If you knew me too well, then you would never be my frnd" and i would answer, "Even if you would say something bad about yourself i would still like you as i do now"...

Before i left college the last gift i bought him was a wallet, when giving the wallet i said to him, "Never take money of this wallet to drink"
and he refused to take his gift until I took back my words :) This was funny...

This guy and me are like chalk and cheese - but i dont understand how we bcame this tight frnds... He asks me opinions on everything even on the new girl friend too... Now thats were i am confused, y not me WHY HE DOES NOT SEE ME AS HIS GIRLFRND. (If people reading this think y iam not making the 1st move well its like this, for me a girl can never make a 1st move - there is a line, flowers will not make noise only the bees do, similarly the girls best way to express her feeling is though her silence especially i cant ruin this relationship i have with him)

I still remmember when he left the county for the 1st time, he called and spoke to him till he was unreachable mode after his flight took off.... Are these signs? Is this guys hiding away something... Does he love me - i dont know, may be i may never know...

He always ping me in IM, he catches up with me whenever he is back in the country.. Advices me, takes advice from me. Whenever he tried to tease me at college, i normally somehow make sure he is not successful - i know by teasing boys do express their interest in a girl...

One thing we never discussed about is my marriage, he never ever wished talked or even breathed about my marriage. Every-time this conversation comes he doesnt discuss it further... i dont understand, about his gf i am supposed to give my views and opinions, if it my turn he doesnt want to discuss at alll..????

Sometimes i think if only i have a drug to understand his heart, life would be much better...........

He is single currently... 
And thats my story... - A never-told love story, i know this story will never end as it has never began.

I hope atleast a few of you understood this story, for those hearts who didnt understood, I am sorry for wasting your time ...
GirlThinking GirlThinking 26-30, F 11 Responses Jun 10, 2012

Your Response


I share ur feelings - why is he still single ?

hey girlthinking, you know i read your story so attentively. with every sentence i could feel that your friend too, loves you deep down somewhere in his heart.
there are so many people who have pointed out to you that there is something between you two.but you are skeptical.yes, a guy teases a girl if he has a crush on her, he shares things which he doesnt share with others, he might not like to discuss her past life with other man involved in her life, he cares for her and stands by her.he likes you !!
but i also sense your utter unwillingness to make a move.may be its the same thing with him,he too might have feared that it will jeopardize your friendship.i really wish you dont waste time suspecting things,but just admit is wont realize what you have been missing until its too late.and after reading your story i really hope you guys end up being together =P ! because i understand,i too am somewhat like you in personality.
you see, if you have watched "plain jane" episodes where the girl asks her crush out on secret date, there was this girl who spend 6 yrs being secretly in love with her best friend but couldnt admit.finally when she admitted she came to even the guy had crush on her since college but coudnt say anything because of the same fears. you see, guys too are afraid to admit ! or have you watched "definitely,may be" ! it tells the same story
hey,gather some courage.if u cant get yourself to face him, write him a note or an email.
but make sure he gets it properly and reads it.dont worry, you will be great ,just go tell himm! goodluckk :)!

Teasing him back and flirting with him subtly might help.
Also, how does he feel about the men in your life? Maybe you wrote about it and I missed it in the post. But I think that might give u some indication on how he feels about you being with other people and not with him.
If they aren't other guys in your life, bring some in, and see him reacting. Because it seems that at the moment you are very focused on him and his life. Balance things by being a bit more focused in your direction - tell him about guys you like or find sexy, or what you want in a man, and watch closely to see in what way he is listening - is he interested to see if he could be your man, or is it mainly friendly touch-base kind of listening.
He might be feeling very comfortable living his life and having you there as a witness and secret observer to what he is doing. It is a comfortable position to be in.
But if you want to transform this into a boy-girl relationship you have to start exuding your femininity more, so that he sees your gender. Then, by his reaction, you will know if he is interested in anything else or not.
Having a relationship on the strong basis of a friendship would be an incredibly good thing.

You also must ask yourself - do you want him because he is the person that knew the most how to get close to you, or do you genuinely want him? If it seems there is no difference between the two, then you are in the first one, and you need to make some steps to get close to more people yourself, let them see you and like you for who you are.
I am only saying this because it seems what you guys share is very nice communication - but you don't seem to mention liking many other personality or physical traits of his.

One last thing to consider: He is critical of his girfriends in front of you - which is natural to do with friends. But how is this criticism voiced? Is it terribly derogatory of the other person? If so, he might try to minimize his attachment to those ppl in front of you. Also, could you be in the other side, when you are the one he is complaining about to other friends? The answer to that question might give you a taste for a partial answer to - do you like him for who he is, not just for the fact that talks to you about everything, asks your opinion, is paying you attention, is interested in what you think and you feel he got really close to you.

Thank u for that detailed comment... :)

Have you ever sent him a card for his birthday? When you are not sure how to approach, a little thought, sends a subtle message.
I truly hope all things work out well.
Bless you

So you like waiting game. Much too optimistic? What about thousands of other good men you meet every month or r u a loner? Romantic or naive? Ask questions and answer them to you and you will find out.

If he loves you, it must be difficult to see you married to another man.

the way i see it, he does love you! because, if you think about it, why would he feel uncomfortable talking about a relationship that you might be having...why didn't any of his relationships work out, why does he ask YOUR opinions about girls he's dating..i get it when you say a girl can never make the first move...i feel you there..but if you trust that thing between you should just be honest with him..if you want, be a bit cunning and ask the question in an innocent manner ;)...for instance, when you're just hanging out and that moment of silence is due...ask the question with a bit of shyness that i know you'd be feeling..and just let it go on from of luck to you...oh, one more may think that ur not sure if you love him or do love him..the fact that it made you post about it assures you ;)..

:) .........

i have no idea whether your "relationship" with this man is more than a friendship. <br />
<br />
after all I am not there watching things happen. <br />
<br />
and we only have your version of events. <br />
<br />
his side of the relationship is left unexplained. <br />
<br />
ok ?

ya that's is some good perception :)
He kind of does these special acts like he called me when he got the 1st internship 1st job, even before he called his parents or anybody else. He confuses me... Too close, yet too far.. May be I am like a person he looks up to with respect... DONT KNOW for sure...

so are you saying you are in "primary school" when it comes to friendships ?

Maid, i got your point, your telling me, this is just frndship any nothing else... And you are telling me that i dont understand frndship... What i feel is you didnt understand my story... :) Thanks for the comment and time anyway :) many close male friends have you had in your life ?<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
have you ever read a book on friendship ?

.how many close male friends have you had in your life ? - only one

have you ever read a book on friendship ? - No

Hi, if he is talking to you about another Lady. Do you think he might be in a relationship already. But' likes you very much ...and is caught not knowing his true heart yet? I think you have a big chance for true love~ hope so sounds lovely! wish you the best!

Hey thanks Pearl !... I am still confused, trying to figure it out...