Listen To Me

I have something to say... a story to tell. I'm not sure what it is or why I feel compelled to tell it, but I know I’ve got something to say: I've got lessons to share, secrets to reveal, and feelings to impart. But I can't find a voice. A way to talk without sounding like I’m giving a lecture, or preaching to some made up congregation. Is it possible that my strange life is some self fulfilling fantasy? Has it been plain and pedestrian? Have my life struggles, victories, and failures really been minor tussles, small gains, and resignations?

I lived in West Berlin when I was 12, Israel when I was 16, and San Diego at 19. I had a great pad in San Francisco, and a spot on the floor of a homeless shelter in San Jose. I went from being a well paid and respected company man, travelled in a multitude of towns in 43 states and met with boards of directors for some of the largest most successful businesses in the world, to being an anxious, depressed, and bankrupt, wreck of a man with no esteem, or confidence. I've skied in five states, and done drugs in three. I’ve loved and lost, lived lustfully, been betrayed, and lost friends and family.
I've felt alone amongst many, and supported around none.

I've decided to practice the skill of telling what needs to be told. To try and entertain, teach, and share. I'm afraid of being inconsequential... Is this the way to be relevant?
captainkirkwood captainkirkwood
41-45, M
26 Responses Aug 17, 2012

welcome mate!

Wow I'm really sorry I really hope u can get back on ur feet and get better if u need someone to talk to I'm here.

Your life seems like it went through a lot of ups and downs is interesting is like very interesting

You should just write an autobiography because that would be something I would read!

That was amazing.

Hey Captain,<br />
Sobering words; thanks for sharing. You've heard this before and doubtless read the words, but try it again - read Isaiah 55 (that's the big prophecy just past the halfway point in the Bible), be receptive and know the regenerating power of God in your life. Anton

Your story sounds interesting but a bit puzzling. lt sounds as though you had an unsettled childhood, moving around so much and not just from one place to another but one country to another, but the main thing is " were you happy at those times in your life?" Did you have a happy childhood and good relationships with your parents? as those things are vital to the growing child, that sense of security and unconditional love!<br />
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And what is your answer TO YOURSELF as to WHY you turned from this: Quote: "I went from being a well paid and respected company man, travelled in a multitude of towns in 43 states and met with boards of directors for some of the largest most successful businesses in the world, to being an anxious, depressed, and bankrupt, wreck of a man with no esteem, or confidence."<br />
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l feel that once you confront your own feelings honestly, just to yourself, not other people initially, l think you will feel relieved and hopefully gain insight, insight which should make you feel more contented, satisfied, and most importantly, at peace with yourself. l hope this helps, and l am sure you will get there, everything has its time and many things take time,be patient, nothing stays the same for ever.

I had a similar experience - going from having it all to absolutely nothing in the bl<x>ink of an eye.<br />
It burned me up until a friend, angry at my refusal to start living again, suggested that I write it all down and get it out of my system.<br />
I did so.<br />
To my immense surprise, more good times than bad appeared on the pages. <br />
It sorted me out, and was so well received that a publisher became interested! It hasn't sold, but I don't care. I felt better and that's all that mattered.<br />
So start writing, Captain, with no regard for style. You'll be surprised at how it all magically seems to come together.<br />
All the best to you, and if I can help in any way, please get in touch.<br />
Regards<br />

Your story I can indirectly relate too. I once knew a man, a former lawyer who fell into a deep major depression. He was getting a divorce. Here's what I would do with your life experience. I would include more information. At least enough so readers could understand more of what was going on with your life. In other words details. I am thinking specifics could make your tale of life's experiences much more relatable.

Hey Captain... just saw your prac story in my email. and if f that was practice... err .. you are tip top ready to go!<br />
You definitely sound like one of us... <br />
People are just so interesting aren't they!!, no two alike, each unique and one of a kind.<br />
Do write for yourself.. not to an audience, tell your story of what happened as you know it and not as if you are writing to a billion people, no jazz embellishments necessary, just your honesty. You don't need any added pressure of our expectations (we have none) or even your own writing expectations (simple good, embellished stuff is hard for to understand because I'm easily confused!). <br />
tell your stories mate, can't wait to read them.<br />

Your story sounds very complicated and interesting. I encourage you to write it down, perhaps even get published. I understand what you mean by "a way to talk without sounding like I'm giving a lecture"; when one has a perspective from their experiences, sometimes the opinion can feel a bit preacher-y. I recommend reading The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien as an example of some writing with a huge range of experiences and a decidedly not preacher-y feel.

Please continue to write. Someone needs to hear your story. I for one would love to hear more of your story.

Same here!

i already like the way you articulated your dilemna. please tell us more, treat EP as your soundboard. would like to hear more from you.

I use forums to learn and also to put how I feel, but I caution you with regard to identifying yourself, because we never know what tomorrow may bring????

I would say that you have many stories to tell, many of which would entertain and many others which would inform. Both sorts would help others if they find themselves in similar situations. Go for it.

Where can we find it?

its in the same group "I have a story to tell" ... under the title "LISTEN TO ME again"

thanks for all the comments and support. I've gone ahead and added a story over an experience i've had just recently... let me know what ya'll think. I'm still a bit raw, but hopefully with time my style will be much more polished.

You should write an ebook! With programs like Kindle's Direct Publishing it is both easy and free to do. I had no publishing experience but just started writing books and publishing them this way two years ago. I have now published 11 books. You have an easy to read and comfortable writing style. You should go for it!

You sounded great!! Speak from your Heart, heal your issues, and then you can go around telling the world about it! Maybe you need to find your voice (and here is a great place to do so), and then you have an opportunity to speak, hold lectures in colleges and or universities, and eventually get back to those boardrooms! However, this time you will be empowered with your Own Voice!!

It sounds as if you are on a good start. You have been around the block a few times and have some experience. I don't know what your present situation is, but writing is a good way to get back on your feet. it is good therapy for PTSD - and don't think PTSD is a "soldier thing" - PTSD is whatever trauma that has injured you.<br />
<br />
If nothing else, write to help yourself. I once worked for a Psychiatrist at a Veteran's outreach, who counseled guys to write about their experiences. We had a couple of guys who were writing really well, but - there was no market for Viet Nam war fiction. So they tried Science Fiction - made the M-16s into "Blasters" and the Tanks got upgraded into Hovercraft and whatever - but if you know what you're looking for, you can see Viet Nam in a lot of the stories, especially the early ones.<br />
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So - there's some good Writer's forums out there. I - personally, am an Science Fiction kind of guy, so those are the ones I hang out on. That's where my techie, military, history nut background helps me. But - whatever works for you - Horror or fantasy is also a "sort-of" SF field.<br />
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Go for fiction. It sounds as though you've had a lot of experiences - as people tell me - "Your real-life experiences sounds like fiction". I'll bet that is true for you, also. Take your real life experiences, change the names to protect the guilty, and try that.<br />
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Nuts-and-bolts advice - if you can't afford a computer right now - you mentioned a homeless shelter - get a flashdrive and use a computer in a public library or something, and save your work to a flashdrive. Obviously - you must have some access to a computer, else you would not be posting here. Use it, man, use it!<br />
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Your first tries will be fumbles - nobody gets it right, right off the bat. Stephen King tried to sell a book for seventeen years before he sold his first one - then he went back an reworked a bunch of his old ones, once he got the knack. But hardly anyone is an "overnight" sensation.<br />
<br />
But - good luck.

Just a week ago before reading your comment, I posted on a fridge magnet, "Find your voice and then sing!" What I meant about the above quote was that sometimes one must step outside the immediate circle or situation and find their voice from that vantage point.<br />
<br />
Everyone has a unique voice with a story or stories to tell!

Dear ck, what you've written tells me you. have a strong voice even as a writer.<br />
<br />
It's honest, direct, and simple, and those are the finest ingredients for an engaging story.<br />
<br />
If I were you, I'd keep going. Write every day. Use what's above as your start. You can edit later. But right now, get the pertinent details on paper. More will come as you write.

tell us your story, how did everything turn upside down, what happened to your confidence and self-esteem?<br />
i want to hear your story

I hear you captainkirkwood. Have had similar journey but as a woman in 'the land down under'.<br />
I don't know why but I hold on to the hope that there is a significant reason for enduring such extremes in life experiences. Maybe it is to be of service - to bring strength and enlightenment to others through faith.<br />
Just maintain humility and centred on all that is good within your being and know that through the power of the universal spirit of love you have family every old you in high esteem everywhere.

Thank you for sharing, and I support you to continue doing so. You have touched on a great topic!<br />
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I think sharing with others is the most effective way to educate. There is something about a direct social interaction and connection that a cold, hard, industrial education system simply is not designed to do. In our changing world, sharing with one another will continue to be an important and vital key to our connectivity as a healthy global society. <br />
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Our paths may lead down many twists and turns, throughout a variety of life experiences which may challenge us to adapt, and reinvent our comfort zones. However, we must ask ourselves, "what brings us comfort anyway?" It seems that there are many who derive comfort from material, and egotistical ob<x>jects and ob<x>jectives. Where today can we find the wholesome and wise teachings which our elders and ancestors have shared with us? It is worth asking oneself, "what is of true value to oneself in this life?" <br />
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It can be confusing and frustrating in this world to find a channel in which to speak your voice and have it heard. However, often we imagine a channel as something big, something influential and far reaching, something unattainable or unrealistic for our simple little lives. The "why we can'ts" seem to always be the first thing to pop into our minds with brilliant and wholesome ideas. We need to realize that we are the ones responsible for our minds, and our actions. We have the ability to choose our thought patterns into self-supporting systems, or self-degrading systems. With this, we can choose to illuminate each moment.<br />
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Often, I picture myself as an old woman, perhaps sitting on my death bed, and I imagine reflecting back on my life... How did I make my choices? Why? What mattered to me? I know myself well enough to say that maintaining a whole, loving existence is the best that one could be at any given moment, and with this, the old woman would peacefully smile in pure gratitude for the life which felt to be a gift. <br />
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There is a human commonality for what is of true value in life. I believe this to be unconditional love. When we can freely share it with others, unconditional love being the force within all we do, then we have aligned our path with the path of highest potential.<br />
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We all have a voice, a story to share, and a chosen purpose within it. <br />
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(I have more articles which I would love to share with all of you. Please feel free to check out )

i am 16 and i want to hear your story ... i hope you find your voice because i also have a story to tell but cant find my voice

I think you are already entertaining, teaching and sharing, and the very act of publishing your writing means you already have a voice. I think it's OK to be "not sure what it (your story) is" because writing may also be a kind of digging and who knows what you'll discover? You'll only find out as you write more but I hope you do.

I am 23, and I think I know what you mean..I don't know if I am weird to think this way at this age, but I get this urge to tell people the wisdoms I possess. I speak, but no one gets them!! Like I want to tell my the mistakes I have made, in hope that he chooses not to make them. But he is just 11, and hope he can't really understand what I say..but alas I try to tell my story to people..I have understood, that life is too uncertain and too short to wait for tomorrow, what can he done today..hope you get your answer..<br />