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My Relationship With Ana

Nothing has ever been okay in my life, I was abused by my step father on regular bases. He would sneak into my room late at night when my mother was asleep and rape me, I was between the ages 7 and 17 when he would do this to me. I knew not to scream, I knew he would hurt me even more if I did.. So I kept my mouth shut, never did I ever let his dark secrets out.. because I knew the consequences that awaited if I did.

At the age of 11, I was depressed.. and all I wanted was to have control over something in my life. The only thing that I could control is what I allowed to enter my body. I began to only eat certain things, then I quit eating all together. It felt amazing to be able to control something in my life. It wasnt because I thought I was fat, it was just a mental thing for me. I didn't even know what anorexia was at the time, but it didnt take long for me to learn about it. I was hospitalized when I was 12 for a few months. Being hospitalized made me angry because I could no longer control that little thing that gave me so much comfort.

Over the years I have been hospitalized over 10 times. My lowest weight was 82 pounds.. I look at myself in the mirror and I see the life running out of my body. The side effects of my disorder is killing me and I know it. I cant seem to let go of it though.

I am now 20 and I have lived in a love/hate relationship with ana for 9 years. My time is running out, my body is failing, and its time to change but I cant seem to bring myself to do it.
thinsporation thinsporation 18-21, F 2 Responses Nov 25, 2012

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You can do it, you can change. I know how hard it is, believe me, but you can do it. You have to want it, though... :)

He robbed you of your childhood, and now you are robbing yourself of your future. If its control you want, control your right to live. Please dont die...