Heart Stop

When even the intake and expulsion of air into and from my lungs becomes a labor, I hold my breath. And for one perfect moment, I am weightless; suspended and still, while the world continues to spin.

I heard a song today, written by Christina Perri

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
All along I believed I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more.

The thing is, it's true of me. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never be asked out on a date. I have never been an object of interest. I am not ugly; I'm just a normal girl with brown hair and eyes. I always believed that one day I would meet a man who would love me, a real fairytale, you know? But so far, I've only died every day waiting for him. At twenty years old, I live as though my life is at it's end. I cannot see a future, or hope because I have put my hope in something that may never come. And I'm fading, slowly. But, surely. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day I will go completely limp, and no one will be there to catch me.

I have died everyday, waiting for him. I've loved him as long as I've lived. I have a box in my room, filled with letters to a man I've never even met. Love letters, written all throughout my life. I don't want to die waiting for him. But I don't understand why no one wants me.

I'm lonely.