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Vent Session

I don't know why, but when I'm tired or if it's late at night, I start to realize all that's wrong with me, my family, my life. It's one of those nights where it's almost to my breaking point.

So I'm in a group of 5 friends. 2 skinny, beautiful, popular, charismatic girls. 1 skinny, beautiful, popular, but mean girl. 1 overweight, popular, charismatic, and funny girl. And then there's me.

I have a horrible hair cut to start, I tried cutting it myself. Screwed up. Lady at the salon tried to fix it. Screwed up. It has three layers, bangs that are at most only an inch long, the bangs I tried to make which go down to my ear so you can't just put them behind my ears, and my normal, choppy, dry, frizzy, ugly medium hair. Then there's my nose. Cute, until the tip. It's as fat and round as a man with a beer belly. Speaking of beer belly, I'm chubby too. Not over weight, average weight actually, but all fat. No muscle, huge hips with no butt, so I look wide with nothing to show for it. No boobs either. No thigh gap. Ugly hands. Everything about my appearance would send even a rapist running. And appearance is everything, right?

Next to personality. I'm generally nice, I think. But all the 'nice and down to earth normal kids' hate me. For no reason. Just one day, they decided to hate me. I'm in the higher up class with none of my friends (since I hang out with the popular girls, and they're in the lower class). I have to sit here and be tortured by these kids all day with no relief until 3. And they may seem like the nicest and most polite kids ever. Wrong. They will hurt you and tear you down until you are nothing. One of the boys kicked me in the mouth today too. And I thought you didn't do that to a girl. Well, anyway, I have weird loud out bursts (loud laughs that I try to control, loud gasps, random noises when something happens). So un-lady like and ugly.

Now onto friends. Every guy in my grade - I **** you not - likes only one girl. She was one of the two skinny, beautiful, popular, charismatic girls. She's so nice and down to earth too. She hates being the center of attention. I guess she deserves her spot. And I can't blame guys for not liking me. I mean she's prettier and skinnier and more curvy and more athletic and all around more perfect than I. That's fine, I wouldn't choose me either.

Then there are guy friends. I have one really close one that's sort of popular, but hangs out with some lesser popular friends too. He is legitimately my best friend ever. He's not like the rest of the guys. The only other guy friend I have has ADD and everyone makes fun of him because he's loud and obnoxious around a lot of people, which is at school. He can't help it, but people look for their own convenience more than others I guess.

I hate myself. Really, why am I here? Today I was flirting with a boy. Ha, I'm so stupid. Like anyone could ever like me. I'm too ugly and stupid for someone to like. Why do I even bother? He probably thought I was just some idiot, like everyone else thinks. Sometimes I think, what is my purpose in life? Why do I matter? I amount to nothing. I mean nothing. I don't have anything to be proud of. My friend does hockey, my other one is a die-hard basketball player. One's a make up guru. My other friend is an outstanding artist. Me? Nothing. I suck at basketball, although I'm point guard for some reason. I can draw something once well, but never again. Beauty? Seriously? Would you let an ugly girl do your make up? I can't do anything of extraordinary talent. I'm worthless.

I should just jump off a cliff. More air for the rest of you to breath. More money for the rest of you to make. Why should a stupid, ugly, worthless girl take something from someone who's more deserving? I obviously don't deserve anything in life. I could just slit my wrists, like I did in 7th grade. Or starve myself to death like I did in 8th grade. I'm not persistent enough to keep up with anything am I? I couldn't keep cutting myself. I'm terrible at hiding things. Went three months without food, but of course I'm stupid enough to let that slip from my hands too. I don't deserve anything.

Has this passage gotten more vulgar and worse than when I started? ****, I'm crying.

Oh and did I tell you yet that I have had three boys call me fat? Yeah, three. One was a boy I had a really hard crush on. One was a boy I didn't even know. The last was a boy that I thought was one of my best friends. I was stupid enough to think I was gonna name my kid after one of them too. Like any other human in their right mind would even want to look at me, nonetheless touch me. I don't deserve love. I mean, why should a stupid troll-looking fat girl take away a possible future-husband from some more deserving and pretty girl? Sometimes I swear I'm the dumbest person on Earth...

I probably am. I sometimes act dumb too, to portray myself as pretty or something. I don't even know why I do it. It's not cute or funny. It's dumb. I'm an idiot anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I wish I could just have someone beat the crap out of me. I deserve it. I chicken out if I try myself, another horrible trait about me. Someone needs to seriously just beat the **** out of me and maybe knock some sense into me.

Another stupid thing about myself, Shiloh Peryer. I'm a stupid little twit. I'm mean to my family just because they annoy me, I'm jealous of my friends, and I'm a worthless piece of waste.

Someone, shoot me.

You think I'm kidding. But Shiloh Jenah Peryer is the dumbest, ugliest, fattest girl I know. She will die alone and everyone will laugh and dance on her grave when she takes her own life. It'll be the best day the world has ever seen when Shiloh Jenah Peryer of Castleton, Vermont takes her own life.

Get the party ready...
ShilohP ShilohP 13-15, F 1 Response Dec 21, 2012

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Don't worry, Shiloh. You're only a young teen. Once you hit your late teens, everything will get better. Trust me. If you need a friend, I can be one...
--Bee