My Mistake

So running away from my problems as a teen came with many consequences. I was so uncomfortable at home, it didn't feel like a home to me at all. Seemed like no one cared about my dreams or me at all. I was denied even the smallest of things. I had very good grades and all I wanted was for someone to show some interest in me. I loved the game of basketball and wanted to play on the school team. I had potential. I could have made something of myself. Got into a good college...I could be living a whole different life if someone just showed they cared.
Anyway, that wasn't my reality. I was abused both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I think about the "what if's"..What if I stayed and stuck it out like my father told me to? What if I didn't rebel against the harm? What if I stayed in school instead of running away? What if I did more for those who helped me as a run away? I feel like my new mother (my run away mother) feels or thinks that I never appreciated her. Truth is I really do and did. I know raising children is hard and that life cost money. I wonder how I could have helped her? But how does a run away help someone when they can't work without the proper paper work? I felt guilty for not being able to do more. She was my savior! My friends became my life! I loved my friends with all my heart, but eventually they had to live their own life; and so did I.
I thought I found a great love..the joke was on me. We were both damaged. With my fears I held on tight to this relationship. Five years of holding on to nothing, giving my all for my own cause. Every year he went to jail, cheated on me countless times with woman who were supposed to be my friends. I tried so hard to save us. After getting prgo at 17, I stopped drinking and doing child was my new true love. All I wanted was a loving family and I knew my child would give me the love I was searching for. I ended up working to support us but he never cleaned up his act. He wasn't even there when I went into labor with our 2nd child.
It came down to me one day realizing he never loved me. I lived our life together in denial. So after getting a friend prego I had no choice but to let go. I had no choice but to go back home. It worked out for awhile..but just a short while.
halfdead25 halfdead25
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

We have much in common. I ran away when I was 14.. And had a "mom" who took me in. I hope your life is better now. It sounds like you are doing your best to give your kids a good home.

It is getting better and its a big help in changing my attitude to be more positive. I'm just one person but I have refused to continue the cycle. Some people use being abused as an excuse for doing them same to their children. I say, why would I want my children to feel like me? :)