Even as a child, my father used to repeat to me the saying - 'do not cut off your nose to spite your face', he recognised something in me early on that I would not see in myself until recently. 

And I wonder why I have had my self- destructive habits and thoughts.  As it was all internal and most of it was silently done, it was not akin to a tantrum but more, was I trying to see how far I could endure?  That if I destroyed myself, I was leaving no pleasure for anyone else in that task, that when I hurt myself, I could take on any pain from external forces?  Or did I do it, just to try and test myself as if I could actually muster feelings anymore.

I remember at a stage I was convinced I had lost my conscience, rather than leaving it at that, I destroyed relationships and trust, just to see how far I could get until that first pang of guilt came.  I felt that it was buildling up too much in silence and I needed the straw swiftly administered on that camel back so I could become human again.

I still will be self-sabotaging, in hurt and pain, I will sabotage in an attempt to numb it out, I am exacting revenge upon the person responsible for the pain- myself. 

I may not cause the actions, but it is up to me how I deal with things, how I respond- as no matter what happens to us in life, our personality, our self, is based mainly on how we last reacted to adversity.

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1 Response Feb 16, 2009

you are so like me, but with wisdom and insight..... x