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She Makes Me Cry

I cried when I adopted her because she was the child of my dreams, my fantasies. She made me a mom.

I cried at every milestone because I was so proud. Everything she did was perfect in my eyes.

I cried at every birthday and threw my heart into making them special so I could see her smile.

I cried as I marvelled at her beauty, a type of beauty that would cause a stranger to stop and say, "Such a beautiful, poised and respectful and kind child." I would cry with pride at that.

I cried when I watched her lead the band on percussion, an extremely naturally talented young woman, the pide of her music teacher.

I cried when I saw her interact with her friends, whom she cherished, making them gifts, always, with a generous nature about her that drew raves from my friends.

Somewhere along the way I lost this child. Someone or something otherworldly took her from me and left in her place a 13 year old who is on her way to in inpatient psychiatric facility for emotionally troubled teens. I will go to court next week and stand up and tell the family court judge that we are beside ourselves with grief, but that "yes" I will agree to the placement as it has been explained to me that we have no choice at this point.

That child has been replaced with another who has mastered the art of manipulation. She lashes out. She stands up to her full height of 5'4 and stares down teachers and administrators, even police officers, therapists and judges, none of whom have been able to make an impact on her.

She doesn't play music anymore. I don't like her friends. My friends are not jealous of me now, in fact, they look away when they see me, they are sad for me.

I went to visit her the other week, the one time she consented to see me. Her hair was pink. She treated my with disdain, as usual. But I glanced over and there was a bin with her name on it in the common area. And in the bin I saw some yarn, and I saw that she had been making bracelets. She can knit with her fingers. She told me she had been making people bracelets and that they were a big hit...

And for a moment I saw my little girl who would hold up her hands, multi-colored yarn hanging down and dragging across the floor, and I could see her smiling at me and saying "Look what I can do? Look what I made mom. Do you want me to make you one?" And I would say sure, even though I already had about 80 of them. I always figured you could never have too many things that your child makes for you.

My little girl is in there somewhere. She is lost in there. Failing out of school, determined to drop out. Failing at relationships with other kids. Failing to show respect of any kind to anyone. They will take her, and they will help her, I can only hope.

And maybe someday I will find a way to stop crying these tears and I will instead cry tears of joy when my daughter comes home to me.

deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Apr 7, 2009

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Children don't just happen. They are given as a blessing to us. When kids go off the rails and turn into monsters,there is a reason for it. You just have to look for the answer as to 'why.' Most people just except the situation as everyone has one too, so it must be normal. I too, went through literal hell and back with my teenager and I found a reason behind the change when I started to look for what went wrong. I couldn't understand what happened to my beautiful sweet little girl when she hit her teens. It was like something took over her. She would end up 'screaming' at me.Well that was when I decided to step in. Our children are the most precious gift we have and its our duty to find the solution to help them without drugs, institutions and the like. I've heard it say that what we need is right in front of us at the precise time we need it. We just have to look and use discernment. Thats when I came across a book that completed changed everything for my daughter and our family. It talks about root causes for these changes, and addresses the direct link between food, aggression and depression and suicide. I found the answer through reading that book, and I cant recommend it enough to any other parent struggling with pain and suffering like this, as I know, I have been though it and come out the other end, with my daughter back, happy, stable and we are really close now. you can get the book at www.helptroubledyouth.com . I really hope it helps, as it seriously changed my daughter back into the sweet beautiful girl she used to be before her monster took over. Don't give up, just educate yourself by reading up on how to help fix the root cause.

I cannot relate to what you are going through. I only know that as a women in my 30's who has lost it all, I miss my mom. I lash out at her more than anything but I do miss her. She and I don't talk like we should and it is mostly my stubborn angry fault. But I guess I am trying to say, she still loves you, don't give up on that. She will be back in a different way to you.

Yes, the little girl is gone and you are left with a teen that probably has some kind of mental illness. You have stepped back to give others the chance to help her with whatever this disability is, and by stepping back, you are still helping her grow and cope with her own mind. Lots of love to you and your daughter, and I pray she will have the strength to survive.

Nalxx. Your insight is invaluable, and I believe you when you say that it can all be overcome. With age sometimes comes understanding. I am counting on it.<br />
Thank you so much.

I'm very sorry about what's happening and hope that you find strength and hope. I have observed that sort of suffering, in my own mother. I was always an extremely respectful child, an overachiever who put my family first. I even earned a full ride scholarship to UCLA. When I was about 15, I began to change for a variety of reasons. I found myself disliking my mom as she became increasingly abusive to express her disapproval. I developed Bipolar Disorder and was sent to a psychiatric facility on several occasions. I attempted to kill myself a few times... My mom even found me nearly dead twice and had to call 911. Later on, I also began using all sorts of drugs, from weed to heroin, and shoplifted frequently. And trust me, my hair also turned all sorts of interesting colors. She used to say that I had become someone totally different from the child she raised.<br />
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Why do I tell you this? Well, I'm 24 now, and I've been clean for almost two years. I graduated from UCLA and am pursuing an MBA. I talk to my mom several times a week, and we have a very close relationship. She tells me all the time how proud she is of me for what I've done with my life, and many of my peers admire me for what I've overcome.<br />
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My advice to you is to make sure that your daughter knows that you love her, despite her recent behavior. It is VERY important for you to know that your daughter has not been "replaced." This is the same girl you have always loved, not some hellspawn. I knew deep down that my mom was starting to dislike me, and she became very controlling... This is one of the things that really pushed me away from her. You might want to pick your battles. Things like pink hair are upsetting to most parents, but if you have to start fighting her back somewhere, choose something that counts. Be willing to compromise, and genuinely listen to what she says (even if you disagree). She's too old for "because I said so." Last of all, don't ever give up on her. If there was hope for me, there's hope for her!<br />
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Stay strong.

I too have a child who is ODD and depressed. My 14 yr. old son takes it out on me and his lil brother. He has been suspended from school many times, spent nights in a detention center, and thinks he knows it all. I walk around here on eggshells. I hide in my room with the door locked and try not to bother him because I am intimidated by him. He reminds me of his dad, who was mentally, psychologically abusive. He isn't taking any meds right now, I keep going from dr. to dr. to councelor and back. Counseling is not helping, the counselor says it's my fault for not being strict enough. So help ME then! I don't have insurance, so I can't be helped. How do I be stronger? It is not my personality to stand up to someone who is taller and bigger than me.<br />
I hope things get better with you and yours. You are not alone. When she gets better, she will understand, you are her mother, and she needs you. You need her and when she is ready, all will be well. Don't feel bad. It is for the best.

Spank his bare butt nonabusI've

You have no right telling your daughter how she is supposed to live her life. <br />
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If you feel the need to control someone, get a bloody pet or something. <br />
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Humans are not marionettes, stop thinking of your children as your property.

Thanks for sharing.<br />
Appreciate it. <br />
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Oh, ..and right back at you.

All I can say is **** you.<br />
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What's wrong with adults, always want to make children and teens act the way they do, EVERYONE should be free to act the way they want, because in the end when we die nothing matters anymore. <br />
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So **** you.

This is my story and I am taking ownership of it because this is my girl, may baby, even though this says it is by "deleted". It is mine--my story. I should have taken it with me when I left, not left it here to sit in "deleted land" <br />
Unfortunately I am still writing stories in this experience years later now. Just thinking about that--how I felt when I wrote this, and how I am going through the same thing even now. <br />
It is ...depressing.

I'm sorry to hear about that. Honestly, it's sort of a part of teen life, now. It's probably just a phase, hopefully it is. Sort of like... teen angst. I, myself, am a teen. I've seen so many people out there much like your daughter. The attitude, the need to be rebellious. <br />
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I've felt that way, too. Sometimes teens feel that rebellion is a way to be unique. Everyone wants to be different, a special snowflake. Dressing like a punk maybe lets your daughter feel that way. <br />
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Hopefully she'll grow out of it. Most people do.<br />
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The attitude you're probably going to get is the "I need privacy, you don't understand me, you don't know anything so go away." kind. Teens these days have no regard for their parents feelings. But I truly do believe that somewhere deep inside, they love you. They might just be too embarassed to show it. <br />
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If you have any questions about teens, whatever, then you can message me. I'll be happy to help. :]<br />
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I hope your situation gets better, good luck!

sometimes we find our way and we walk on it so proudly..and there are times when we slip of that path..it doesn't mean we become monsters we just get lost..but society does consider us monsters..like whenever you make a mistake people look down on it..it's not like they have never made any mistake it's just always easier to judge others<br />
you know what she does is a way of rebellion..fighting against everything because something deep inside your soul is not okay..she lacks something..something emotionally..there's something she can't handle..she's the same little girl you've always knew but wearing a mask behind which she can hide..maybe not to get hurt..acting all passive and antisocial makes her seem strong and tough..but she's innocent, weak and probably strongly hurt emotionally<br />
try to show her your love, i'm sure you do<br />
keep your hope

Be strong Milady and Hope for the best.cheers!

I'm sorry u are going through this please don't give up on her.I made my mom cry when I was a teenager too I ran away a handful of times and did a lot of harm to her marriage.god brought u and this child together for a reason and when she gets older she will hate that she hurt u.I did but when your young you do things and don't care about the consequences.you are a strong lady with a big heart I wish u a good outcome and hugs from texas..take care

As I read your lovely story, all I could think about was my own teen daughter. I know she's in there somewhere. She is the source of my anxiety. I cry for her. I refuse to give up because I will have felt that I've failed her. I have always been there for her, but at this point in her life, she's determined to destroy it for herself and there isn't much that I can do to help her. She has to want it for herself. I've never sheltered her from the harsh realities of life. I hope she doesn't have to learn for herself, the hard way.

i read your story cursorily and i am sorry for that. your daughter knew you were not her biological mother. you have seen only the positive side of her personality and you have tried your best to pamper her and admire her just to make up for not being her biological mother. and she just drifted away from you and other authoritative figures. i pray to God she sees the light and comes back a reformed and compassionate daughter.

i don't know the whole story,of course,but as a teenager myself,i must say that nothing really is wrong with your daughter.she's probably only at the stage when she wants to try out things,changes her looks,her behavior,she just tries to find out who she really is etc.you know,all the stuff that goes along with puberty.i think that there's nothing you should worry about.many people have gone through the same thing and they're fine now.some people just make an elephant out of a fly.

let me say on only some of the comments here is what i'm talking about as far as not listening others. let me just say alot of you are going thru similar situations. seek a second opinion call dr phil.

thats absolutly right. I believe dr phil had a show on this kinda thing happening. your not alone i know it breaks your heart in ways. but like datura said don't listen to other's maybe you should give them a call before you do that. there may be way to deal with it.

I cried when I read this....I'm so sorry you are suffering such a heartbreaking experience. I wish there was something I could do for you and your daughter. I hope that she's just going through some rough teenage phase, perhaps resulting from bad influences of her friends, and will get herself straightened out soon. It sounds like you're still there for her, which is good....I hope she will see how much she's hurting and herself and try to make you proud of her again. My best wishes and heartfelt feelings go out to the both of you...*hug*

sorry to hear that, someday everything will be fine. i too was contemplating on sending my child into a troubled teen facility but looked for other options such as a http://www.teenwildernessprograms.org/ where she can enjoy herself, hopefully and bring back my sweet child. good luck to us!

Everything is going to be ok at the end of things, that´s what i am waiting for you and for me.<br />
Hug you.

I wonder what happened.. seeing this from a teenager point of view, I feel like she must be depressed. She probably for whatever reason feels like acting this way is all she can do, no doubt she's doing her best. I have crazy depression issues, I'm headed to one of those places myself no doubt... it's really hard. I don't know. I hope everything gets better for you both.

You also have my sympathy and best wishes. I'm 18 years old and back in March I was admitted to inpatient against my own will. When I got there they asked me to sign these papers that basically states that I would be willing to be admitted to the ward. However, they did not mention that if I didn't sign that I would be put in there for at least 72 hours, without possibility of discharge on weekends. I was admitted on a Wednesday so I was there longer than my legal hold already by the time it was Monday but they still wouldn't let me out until that Wednesday.<br />
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Just some tips for when your daughter does get discharged from inpatient... <br />
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Do NOT emphasize the fact that she was just in the hospital, it's not something she will need/want to hear.<br />
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If she is given medications to take after discharge, don't make a huge deal out of it and especially don't make her take them if she doesn't want to. If she doesn't want to take them, she isn't going to and you telling her to isn't going to make her want to. I refused to take meds.<br />
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Make her feel loved and cared for, instead of making her feel crazy by talking about the hospital. She might be depressed when she gets out, I was very depressed and it felt like everyone was labeling me as a psycho by the way people talked to me and treated me.<br />
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Try and spend enough time with her while at the same time not suffocating her, she might want to be left alone sometimes and sometimes that's just better for everyone.<br />
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Try and talk to her, ask if there's any movies she wants to go see or something, just try and spark conversation. <br />
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Also, if she isn't in there very long... you might want to try and keep her home for a while especially if she was smoking weed or something before she was admitted. I relapsed like a week after I got out of inpatient because it was still heavy in my system which made me crave and at that point it's impossible to be around that kind of stuff without doing it. Although I am proud to say I've been sober for a month now, with no intent of ever smoking again. A lot of people think it's harmless, I did. All my friends still do. The truth is, it can cause a lot of problems... especially with your mental health and just your life in general, it affected my life greatly and it will never change.<br />
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Unfortunately, I didn't realize all of this until I turned 18... by then it was almost too late. I almost had to drop out out high school and I will be starting at an ALC next week so I can graduate by June of 2010 or at least December of 2010.<br />
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Your daughter still has a chance though, she still has a lot of time to fix her mistakes... I had less then a year and I still might squeeze by. And if she does smoke weed(not saying she does, just trying to add additional, useful advice), it's kind of a waste to send her to rehab for it. A person who smokes must be 100% ready and willing to quit smoking, and it's much easier to do it by yourself once you realize you have a problem with it. <br />
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This website will tell you why to quit, how to quit, when to quit and techniques to fight cravings. This is how I quit, and I have an extremely addictive personality and very little will power.<br />
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http://stopsmokingweed.info/<br />
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Good luck I really hope everything works out for you and your daughter, I hope this will help you.

GASPS I almost cried. I'm so sorry you're going through such a troubled phase with your daughter. I do hope she gets better and learns correct behavior. I do wonder however if its something genetic based through her biological family's history = / <br />
My niece now 17 went through something similar, her mother had placed her under psychologists supervisions for her troubled mind. She was in high dosages of typical drugs most psychiatrist prescribe nowadays. She evolved into a mean being, she was hitting her mom, stole a car, was drug dealing and did everything I had never conceived of my niece ever doing. Yet, I know what it is to look into their eyes and see that little child you raised and loved. I still love my niece after everything, but sometimes its unbearable to see her face after the pain she has caused to my brother. <br />
*sigh*

My heart breaks for you, my son is very disrespectful in the way he speaks to me reducing me to tears on many occasions. I do feel tho he has every right, as i havent been thoughtfull loving kind natured mum he once knew. As he grows i hope the horrible images and abusive drunken episodes dont inpact on his life, i am a total waste of time and energy. My son wasnt allowed to show his emotions to me as i believe he would have, all he heard were things like shes at it again pxxxxx gobbing off, talking rubbish every put down he could possibly hear and because it was from my "loving" family he learnt to believe there uncaring, victims of a drunk attitude to be true. Not she is ill give her time if she were thinking straight she wouldnot subject you seeing this. i have been in hospital twice and the pain and sadness i saw on my sons face will stay with me forever. my son left and went to live with his father last february helped along no doubt my his "wonderful aunt and gradma" IF ONLY HE KNEW. They would have never said a positive thing about me in my sons presence, his "loving " gran would undermine everything i said to him, she would also pull faces behind my back when i spoke my son told me that himself. i never get listened to and the sheer frustration and ignorance from them angry me and i start to raise my voice, again the words shes kicking off again echo round every room in the house so no matter what i do or say its taken as aggression. I still see my psychiotrist regularly and im now having weekly appointments from a lovely man Rajen he is my psyhologist. and has never judge me once on any of my emotions as they are natural and allows me to cry with hearing oh my god what you crying now for or stop being stupid well it was expected you can never find anyone decent no doubt it ll happen again it always does..... my depression i can cope with as if your feeling a little low do something which you enjoy but the hurtful words and critical nasty coments will stay with me for ever. and the negativeness shown and constantly drilled into me will go to my grave.I just hope and prey there lack of love,compassion and pure evilness will think it is ok to treat everyone like there a total waste of time and energy, after all that i pity them as i will be happy one day and keep smiling and laughing just like i used to. hang on in there its not her thats makeing behave like this its her illness, if u ever need someone to talk to i am here for u and ur daughter.xxxx

My heart breaks for you, my son is very disrespectful in the way he speaks to me reducing me to tears on many occasions. I do feel tho he has every right, as i havent been thoughtfull loving kind natured mum he once knew. As he grows i hope the horrible images and abusive drunken episodes dont inpact on his life, i am a total waste of time and energy. My son wasnt allowed to show his emotions to me as i believe he would have, all he heard were things like shes at it again pxxxxx gobbing off, talking rubbish every put down he could possibly hear and because it was from my "loving" family he learnt to believe there uncaring, victims of a drunk attitude to be true. Not she is ill give her time if she were thinking straight she wouldnot subject you seeing this. i have been in hospital twice and the pain and sadness i saw on my sons face will stay with me forever. my son left and went to live with his father last february helped along no doubt my his "wonderful aunt and gradma" IF ONLY HE KNEW. They would have never said a positive thing about me in my sons presence, his "loving " gran would undermine everything i said to him, she would also pull faces behind my back when i spoke my son told me that himself. i never get listened to and the sheer frustration and ignorance from them angry me and i start to raise my voice, again the words shes kicking off again echo round every room in the house so no matter what i do or say its taken as aggression. I still see my psychiotrist regularly and im now having weekly appointments from a lovely man Rajen he is my psyhologist. and has never judge me once on any of my emotions as they are natural and allows me to cry with hearing oh my god what you crying now for or stop being stupid well it was expected you can never find anyone decent no doubt it ll happen again it always does..... my depression i can cope with as if your feeling a little low do something which you enjoy but the hurtful words and critical nasty coments will stay with me for ever. and the negativeness shown and constantly drilled into me will go to my grave.I just hope and prey there lack of love,compassion and pure evilness will think it is ok to treat everyone like there a total waste of time and energy, after all that i pity them as i will be happy one day and keep smiling and laughing just like i used to. hang on in there its not her thats makeing behave like this its her illness, if u ever need someone to talk to i am here for u and ur daughter.xxxx

please listen to me. I am that 13 yr old... a couple of yrs back, with the foster mother who I told... you are not my mother. My mother passed away 2 yrs ago, but I made sure she knew I loved her and just give it time and she will see that she is your everything. Dont hold soo tight though. All I wanted was for my mother to pay me attention even if it was for the wrong things. Stay by that girls side and make sure you tell her that you love her. You may not even notice that you have been saying hurtful things but ask. Ask her seriously sit down with her and ask her, Are you mad at me? tell her I love you and Im sorry if I hurt you but we should talk. Tell her that you will treat her as an adult if she treats you like the mother you are that loves her. When my mother passed I couldnt breath, everyone makes comments here and there from my biological family that she wasnt really my mom. All those people know never to say it to my face though because from the day I was born until the day I die ...that woman is the only mother I had and I was put here to be her daughter. The girl loves you just talk talk talk to her and dont critisize. I hope this helps... I teared typing this because my mother has come to mind.

I understand your anguish. My daughter had similar problems that wrenched our entire family. But time and God have their effect. She is now married and stable, and is expecting her first child in a few months. Don't blame yourself or get despondent. Be proud that you have acted out of love and concern.

You are an amazing person to adopt a child and give her such a good life.Well done to you.She will come back,emotionally she must be going through a tough period of finding herself...but she will return.