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She Makes Me Cry

I cried when I adopted her because she was the child of my dreams, my fantasies. She made me a mom.

I cried at every milestone because I was so proud. Everything she did was perfect in my eyes.

I cried at every birthday and threw my heart into making them special so I could see her smile.

I cried as I marvelled at her beauty, a type of beauty that would cause a stranger to stop and say, "Such a beautiful, poised and respectful and kind child." I would cry with pride at that.

I cried when I watched her lead the band on percussion, an extremely naturally talented young woman, the pide of her music teacher.

I cried when I saw her interact with her friends, whom she cherished, making them gifts, always, with a generous nature about her that drew raves from my friends.

Somewhere along the way I lost this child. Someone or something otherworldly took her from me and left in her place a 13 year old who is on her way to in inpatient psychiatric facility for emotionally troubled teens. I will go to court next week and stand up and tell the family court judge that we are beside ourselves with grief, but that "yes" I will agree to the placement as it has been explained to me that we have no choice at this point.

That child has been replaced with another who has mastered the art of manipulation. She lashes out. She stands up to her full height of 5'4 and stares down teachers and administrators, even police officers, therapists and judges, none of whom have been able to make an impact on her.

She doesn't play music anymore. I don't like her friends. My friends are not jealous of me now, in fact, they look away when they see me, they are sad for me.

I went to visit her the other week, the one time she consented to see me. Her hair was pink. She treated my with disdain, as usual. But I glanced over and there was a bin with her name on it in the common area. And in the bin I saw some yarn, and I saw that she had been making bracelets. She can knit with her fingers. She told me she had been making people bracelets and that they were a big hit...

And for a moment I saw my little girl who would hold up her hands, multi-colored yarn hanging down and dragging across the floor, and I could see her smiling at me and saying "Look what I can do? Look what I made mom. Do you want me to make you one?" And I would say sure, even though I already had about 80 of them. I always figured you could never have too many things that your child makes for you.

My little girl is in there somewhere. She is lost in there. Failing out of school, determined to drop out. Failing at relationships with other kids. Failing to show respect of any kind to anyone. They will take her, and they will help her, I can only hope.

And maybe someday I will find a way to stop crying these tears and I will instead cry tears of joy when my daughter comes home to me.

deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Apr 7, 2009

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Children don't just happen. They are given as a blessing to us. When kids go off the rails and turn into monsters,there is a reason for it. You just have to look for the answer as to 'why.' Most people just except the situation as everyone has one too, so it must be normal. I too, went through literal hell and back with my teenager and I found a reason behind the change when I started to look for what went wrong. I couldn't understand what happened to my beautiful sweet little girl when she hit her teens. It was like something took over her. She would end up 'screaming' at me.Well that was when I decided to step in. Our children are the most precious gift we have and its our duty to find the solution to help them without drugs, institutions and the like. I've heard it say that what we need is right in front of us at the precise time we need it. We just have to look and use discernment. Thats when I came across a book that completed changed everything for my daughter and our family. It talks about root causes for these changes, and addresses the direct link between food, aggression and depression and suicide. I found the answer through reading that book, and I cant recommend it enough to any other parent struggling with pain and suffering like this, as I know, I have been though it and come out the other end, with my daughter back, happy, stable and we are really close now. you can get the book at www.helptroubledyouth.com . I really hope it helps, as it seriously changed my daughter back into the sweet beautiful girl she used to be before her monster took over. Don't give up, just educate yourself by reading up on how to help fix the root cause.

I cannot relate to what you are going through. I only know that as a women in my 30's who has lost it all, I miss my mom. I lash out at her more than anything but I do miss her. She and I don't talk like we should and it is mostly my stubborn angry fault. But I guess I am trying to say, she still loves you, don't give up on that. She will be back in a different way to you.

Yes, the little girl is gone and you are left with a teen that probably has some kind of mental illness. You have stepped back to give others the chance to help her with whatever this disability is, and by stepping back, you are still helping her grow and cope with her own mind. Lots of love to you and your daughter, and I pray she will have the strength to survive.

Nalxx. Your insight is invaluable, and I believe you when you say that it can all be overcome. With age sometimes comes understanding. I am counting on it.<br />
Thank you so much.

I'm very sorry about what's happening and hope that you find strength and hope. I have observed that sort of suffering, in my own mother. I was always an extremely respectful child, an overachiever who put my family first. I even earned a full ride scholarship to UCLA. When I was about 15, I began to change for a variety of reasons. I found myself disliking my mom as she became increasingly abusive to express her disapproval. I developed Bipolar Disorder and was sent to a psychiatric facility on several occasions. I attempted to kill myself a few times... My mom even found me nearly dead twice and had to call 911. Later on, I also began using all sorts of drugs, from weed to heroin, and shoplifted frequently. And trust me, my hair also turned all sorts of interesting colors. She used to say that I had become someone totally different from the child she raised.<br />
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Why do I tell you this? Well, I'm 24 now, and I've been clean for almost two years. I graduated from UCLA and am pursuing an MBA. I talk to my mom several times a week, and we have a very close relationship. She tells me all the time how proud she is of me for what I've done with my life, and many of my peers admire me for what I've overcome.<br />
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My advice to you is to make sure that your daughter knows that you love her, despite her recent behavior. It is VERY important for you to know that your daughter has not been "replaced." This is the same girl you have always loved, not some hellspawn. I knew deep down that my mom was starting to dislike me, and she became very controlling... This is one of the things that really pushed me away from her. You might want to pick your battles. Things like pink hair are upsetting to most parents, but if you have to start fighting her back somewhere, choose something that counts. Be willing to compromise, and genuinely listen to what she says (even if you disagree). She's too old for "because I said so." Last of all, don't ever give up on her. If there was hope for me, there's hope for her!<br />
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Stay strong.

I too have a child who is ODD and depressed. My 14 yr. old son takes it out on me and his lil brother. He has been suspended from school many times, spent nights in a detention center, and thinks he knows it all. I walk around here on eggshells. I hide in my room with the door locked and try not to bother him because I am intimidated by him. He reminds me of his dad, who was mentally, psychologically abusive. He isn't taking any meds right now, I keep going from dr. to dr. to councelor and back. Counseling is not helping, the counselor says it's my fault for not being strict enough. So help ME then! I don't have insurance, so I can't be helped. How do I be stronger? It is not my personality to stand up to someone who is taller and bigger than me.<br />
I hope things get better with you and yours. You are not alone. When she gets better, she will understand, you are her mother, and she needs you. You need her and when she is ready, all will be well. Don't feel bad. It is for the best.

Spank his bare butt nonabusI've

You have no right telling your daughter how she is supposed to live her life. <br />
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If you feel the need to control someone, get a bloody pet or something. <br />
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Humans are not marionettes, stop thinking of your children as your property.

Thanks for sharing.<br />
Appreciate it. <br />
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Oh, ..and right back at you.

All I can say is **** you.<br />
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What's wrong with adults, always want to make children and teens act the way they do, EVERYONE should be free to act the way they want, because in the end when we die nothing matters anymore. <br />
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So **** you.

This is my story and I am taking ownership of it because this is my girl, may baby, even though this says it is by "deleted". It is mine--my story. I should have taken it with me when I left, not left it here to sit in "deleted land" <br />
Unfortunately I am still writing stories in this experience years later now. Just thinking about that--how I felt when I wrote this, and how I am going through the same thing even now. <br />
It is ...depressing.

I'm sorry to hear about that. Honestly, it's sort of a part of teen life, now. It's probably just a phase, hopefully it is. Sort of like... teen angst. I, myself, am a teen. I've seen so many people out there much like your daughter. The attitude, the need to be rebellious. <br />
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I've felt that way, too. Sometimes teens feel that rebellion is a way to be unique. Everyone wants to be different, a special snowflake. Dressing like a punk maybe lets your daughter feel that way. <br />
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Hopefully she'll grow out of it. Most people do.<br />
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The attitude you're probably going to get is the "I need privacy, you don't understand me, you don't know anything so go away." kind. Teens these days have no regard for their parents feelings. But I truly do believe that somewhere deep inside, they love you. They might just be too embarassed to show it. <br />
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If you have any questions about teens, whatever, then you can message me. I'll be happy to help. :]<br />
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I hope your situation gets better, good luck!

sometimes we find our way and we walk on it so proudly..and there are times when we slip of that path..it doesn't mean we become monsters we just get lost..but society does consider us monsters..like whenever you make a mistake people look down on it..it's not like they have never made any mistake it's just always easier to judge others<br />
you know what she does is a way of rebellion..fighting against everything because something deep inside your soul is not okay..she lacks something..something emotionally..there's something she can't handle..she's the same little girl you've always knew but wearing a mask behind which she can hide..maybe not to get hurt..acting all passive and antisocial makes her seem strong and tough..but she's innocent, weak and probably strongly hurt emotionally<br />
try to show her your love, i'm sure you do<br />
keep your hope

Be strong Milady and Hope for the best.cheers!

I'm sorry u are going through this please don't give up on her.I made my mom cry when I was a teenager too I ran away a handful of times and did a lot of harm to her marriage.god brought u and this child together for a reason and when she gets older she will hate that she hurt u.I did but when your young you do things and don't care about the consequences.you are a strong lady with a big heart I wish u a good outcome and hugs from texas..take care

As I read your lovely story, all I could think about was my own teen daughter. I know she's in there somewhere. She is the source of my anxiety. I cry for her. I refuse to give up because I will have felt that I've failed her. I have always been there for her, but at this point in her life, she's determined to destroy it for herself and there isn't much that I can do to help her. She has to want it for herself. I've never sheltered her from the harsh realities of life. I hope she doesn't have to learn for herself, the hard way.

i read your story cursorily and i am sorry for that. your daughter knew you were not her biological mother. you have seen only the positive side of her personality and you have tried your best to pamper her and admire her just to make up for not being her biological mother. and she just drifted away from you and other authoritative figures. i pray to God she sees the light and comes back a reformed and compassionate daughter.

i don't know the whole story,of course,but as a teenager myself,i must say that nothing really is wrong with your daughter.she's probably only at the stage when she wants to try out things,changes her looks,her behavior,she just tries to find out who she really is etc.you know,all the stuff that goes along with puberty.i think that there's nothing you should worry about.many people have gone through the same thing and they're fine now.some people just make an elephant out of a fly.

let me say on only some of the comments here is what i'm talking about as far as not listening others. let me just say alot of you are going thru similar situations. seek a second opinion call dr phil.

thats absolutly right. I believe dr phil had a show on this kinda thing happening. your not alone i know it breaks your heart in ways. but like datura said don't listen to other's maybe you should give them a call before you do that. there may be way to deal with it.

I cried when I read this....I'm so sorry you are suffering such a heartbreaking experience. I wish there was something I could do for you and your daughter. I hope that she's just going through some rough teenage phase, perhaps resulting from bad influences of her friends, and will get herself straightened out soon. It sounds like you're still there for her, which is good....I hope she will see how much she's hurting and herself and try to make you proud of her again. My best wishes and heartfelt feelings go out to the both of you...*hug*

sorry to hear that, someday everything will be fine. i too was contemplating on sending my child into a troubled teen facility but looked for other options such as a http://www.teenwildernessprograms.org/ where she can enjoy herself, hopefully and bring back my sweet child. good luck to us!

Everything is going to be ok at the end of things, that´s what i am waiting for you and for me.<br />
Hug you.

I wonder what happened.. seeing this from a teenager point of view, I feel like she must be depressed. She probably for whatever reason feels like acting this way is all she can do, no doubt she's doing her best. I have crazy depression issues, I'm headed to one of those places myself no doubt... it's really hard. I don't know. I hope everything gets better for you both.

You also have my sympathy and best wishes. I'm 18 years old and back in March I was admitted to inpatient against my own will. When I got there they asked me to sign these papers that basically states that I would be willing to be admitted to the ward. However, they did not mention that if I didn't sign that I would be put in there for at least 72 hours, without possibility of discharge on weekends. I was admitted on a Wednesday so I was there longer than my legal hold already by the time it was Monday but they still wouldn't let me out until that Wednesday.<br />
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Just some tips for when your daughter does get discharged from inpatient... <br />
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Do NOT emphasize the fact that she was just in the hospital, it's not something she will need/want to hear.<br />
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If she is given medications to take after discharge, don't make a huge deal out of it and especially don't make her take them if she doesn't want to. If she doesn't want to take them, she isn't going to and you telling her to isn't going to make her want to. I refused to take meds.<br />
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Make her feel loved and cared for, instead of making her feel crazy by talking about the hospital. She might be depressed when she gets out, I was very depressed and it felt like everyone was labeling me as a psycho by the way people talked to me and treated me.<br />
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Try and spend enough time with her while at the same time not suffocating her, she might want to be left alone sometimes and sometimes that's just better for everyone.<br />
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Try and talk to her, ask if there's any movies she wants to go see or something, just try and spark conversation. <br />
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Also, if she isn't in there very long... you might want to try and keep her home for a while especially if she was smoking weed or something before she was admitted. I relapsed like a week after I got out of inpatient because it was still heavy in my system which made me crave and at that point it's impossible to be around that kind of stuff without doing it. Although I am proud to say I've been sober for a month now, with no intent of ever smoking again. A lot of people think it's harmless, I did. All my friends still do. The truth is, it can cause a lot of problems... especially with your mental health and just your life in general, it affected my life greatly and it will never change.<br />
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Unfortunately, I didn't realize all of this until I turned 18... by then it was almost too late. I almost had to drop out out high school and I will be starting at an ALC next week so I can graduate by June of 2010 or at least December of 2010.<br />
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Your daughter still has a chance though, she still has a lot of time to fix her mistakes... I had less then a year and I still might squeeze by. And if she does smoke weed(not saying she does, just trying to add additional, useful advice), it's kind of a waste to send her to rehab for it. A person who smokes must be 100% ready and willing to quit smoking, and it's much easier to do it by yourself once you realize you have a problem with it. <br />
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This website will tell you why to quit, how to quit, when to quit and techniques to fight cravings. This is how I quit, and I have an extremely addictive personality and very little will power.<br />
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http://stopsmokingweed.info/<br />
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Good luck I really hope everything works out for you and your daughter, I hope this will help you.

GASPS I almost cried. I'm so sorry you're going through such a troubled phase with your daughter. I do hope she gets better and learns correct behavior. I do wonder however if its something genetic based through her biological family's history = / <br />
My niece now 17 went through something similar, her mother had placed her under psychologists supervisions for her troubled mind. She was in high dosages of typical drugs most psychiatrist prescribe nowadays. She evolved into a mean being, she was hitting her mom, stole a car, was drug dealing and did everything I had never conceived of my niece ever doing. Yet, I know what it is to look into their eyes and see that little child you raised and loved. I still love my niece after everything, but sometimes its unbearable to see her face after the pain she has caused to my brother. <br />
*sigh*

My heart breaks for you, my son is very disrespectful in the way he speaks to me reducing me to tears on many occasions. I do feel tho he has every right, as i havent been thoughtfull loving kind natured mum he once knew. As he grows i hope the horrible images and abusive drunken episodes dont inpact on his life, i am a total waste of time and energy. My son wasnt allowed to show his emotions to me as i believe he would have, all he heard were things like shes at it again pxxxxx gobbing off, talking rubbish every put down he could possibly hear and because it was from my "loving" family he learnt to believe there uncaring, victims of a drunk attitude to be true. Not she is ill give her time if she were thinking straight she wouldnot subject you seeing this. i have been in hospital twice and the pain and sadness i saw on my sons face will stay with me forever. my son left and went to live with his father last february helped along no doubt my his "wonderful aunt and gradma" IF ONLY HE KNEW. They would have never said a positive thing about me in my sons presence, his "loving " gran would undermine everything i said to him, she would also pull faces behind my back when i spoke my son told me that himself. i never get listened to and the sheer frustration and ignorance from them angry me and i start to raise my voice, again the words shes kicking off again echo round every room in the house so no matter what i do or say its taken as aggression. I still see my psychiotrist regularly and im now having weekly appointments from a lovely man Rajen he is my psyhologist. and has never judge me once on any of my emotions as they are natural and allows me to cry with hearing oh my god what you crying now for or stop being stupid well it was expected you can never find anyone decent no doubt it ll happen again it always does..... my depression i can cope with as if your feeling a little low do something which you enjoy but the hurtful words and critical nasty coments will stay with me for ever. and the negativeness shown and constantly drilled into me will go to my grave.I just hope and prey there lack of love,compassion and pure evilness will think it is ok to treat everyone like there a total waste of time and energy, after all that i pity them as i will be happy one day and keep smiling and laughing just like i used to. hang on in there its not her thats makeing behave like this its her illness, if u ever need someone to talk to i am here for u and ur daughter.xxxx

My heart breaks for you, my son is very disrespectful in the way he speaks to me reducing me to tears on many occasions. I do feel tho he has every right, as i havent been thoughtfull loving kind natured mum he once knew. As he grows i hope the horrible images and abusive drunken episodes dont inpact on his life, i am a total waste of time and energy. My son wasnt allowed to show his emotions to me as i believe he would have, all he heard were things like shes at it again pxxxxx gobbing off, talking rubbish every put down he could possibly hear and because it was from my "loving" family he learnt to believe there uncaring, victims of a drunk attitude to be true. Not she is ill give her time if she were thinking straight she wouldnot subject you seeing this. i have been in hospital twice and the pain and sadness i saw on my sons face will stay with me forever. my son left and went to live with his father last february helped along no doubt my his "wonderful aunt and gradma" IF ONLY HE KNEW. They would have never said a positive thing about me in my sons presence, his "loving " gran would undermine everything i said to him, she would also pull faces behind my back when i spoke my son told me that himself. i never get listened to and the sheer frustration and ignorance from them angry me and i start to raise my voice, again the words shes kicking off again echo round every room in the house so no matter what i do or say its taken as aggression. I still see my psychiotrist regularly and im now having weekly appointments from a lovely man Rajen he is my psyhologist. and has never judge me once on any of my emotions as they are natural and allows me to cry with hearing oh my god what you crying now for or stop being stupid well it was expected you can never find anyone decent no doubt it ll happen again it always does..... my depression i can cope with as if your feeling a little low do something which you enjoy but the hurtful words and critical nasty coments will stay with me for ever. and the negativeness shown and constantly drilled into me will go to my grave.I just hope and prey there lack of love,compassion and pure evilness will think it is ok to treat everyone like there a total waste of time and energy, after all that i pity them as i will be happy one day and keep smiling and laughing just like i used to. hang on in there its not her thats makeing behave like this its her illness, if u ever need someone to talk to i am here for u and ur daughter.xxxx

please listen to me. I am that 13 yr old... a couple of yrs back, with the foster mother who I told... you are not my mother. My mother passed away 2 yrs ago, but I made sure she knew I loved her and just give it time and she will see that she is your everything. Dont hold soo tight though. All I wanted was for my mother to pay me attention even if it was for the wrong things. Stay by that girls side and make sure you tell her that you love her. You may not even notice that you have been saying hurtful things but ask. Ask her seriously sit down with her and ask her, Are you mad at me? tell her I love you and Im sorry if I hurt you but we should talk. Tell her that you will treat her as an adult if she treats you like the mother you are that loves her. When my mother passed I couldnt breath, everyone makes comments here and there from my biological family that she wasnt really my mom. All those people know never to say it to my face though because from the day I was born until the day I die ...that woman is the only mother I had and I was put here to be her daughter. The girl loves you just talk talk talk to her and dont critisize. I hope this helps... I teared typing this because my mother has come to mind.

I understand your anguish. My daughter had similar problems that wrenched our entire family. But time and God have their effect. She is now married and stable, and is expecting her first child in a few months. Don't blame yourself or get despondent. Be proud that you have acted out of love and concern.

You are an amazing person to adopt a child and give her such a good life.Well done to you.She will come back,emotionally she must be going through a tough period of finding herself...but she will return.

I feel for you and your situation...you sound like a compassionate soul whose heart is slowly breaking...

I used to be just like her. I used to make bracelets and make my parents laugh and do silly things to make them proud. I used to get great grades and I used to be respectful. And I don't know what happened, I think I just realized the freedom that I had before me and I wanted to do everything in my power to keep it. I wanted to push limits, and I wanted to shock people so much that they would see the true rebellious spirit in me. I wanted to be noticed for all of this.<br />
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I was reading your story, and I realized that I am spiraling down that same vortex. I've been lashing out at my parents, my dad refuses to talk to me now, my sister can't stand how selfish and rude I'm being, my mother tries to keep me in my place but I always find a way to hurt her. Truth is, I want to change, but I'm afraid of embarrassing myself and admitting that I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong. I can tell myself that I'm wrong. But I won't tell them.<br />
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Kids at high school are brutal. I'm made fun of for the way I dress, the way I look, the way I eat, the way I talk. When I excel at something, I'm ridiculed. I'm a kiss up, they call me. My grades dropped because of this.<br />
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My parents won't give me space, but when I seek their comfort, I can't go to them because I've pushed them so far apart. I want to be alone, but when I ask for some me-time, they ask me why and punish me for being rude and trying to act like an adult. I can't take this constant pull. My parents are pulling me in one direction, and yet my dreams, my aspirations, who I want to be are pulling in the other. I want to belong to myself, so I lash out.<br />
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I don't know why I'm telling you this, I mean I dont even know you. I guess I just wanted to say, "I'm sorry" on behalf of your daughter for causing you so much pain. I'm doing this because I've just realized how much pain I'm causing my own mother. (You sound a bit like her.)<br />
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I don't know if that's any consolation, but I'm really sorry.

You touch my heart. We went through a very similar experience a few years ago with a son we adopted from russia we tried everything and finally had a therapist reccomend a place that not only changed our son's life but changed our lives as well. Today Anthony is doing so well he is in the Marine's and our relationship is more than we ever hoped it would be. Sorensons Ranch School has been a god send. They gave him and us the therapy and support that we needed to help him realize who he really is. I can only pray that you are as fortunate as we were. I had come to a point where a gave up my only goal when we sent Anthony to Sorenson's was for him to be able to make it on his own someday. Today we have so much more, it seems like a fairy tale.

I'm glad that the light at the end of the tunnel is no longer resembling a train...

I, too, am so happy to hear this update.

This is really good :)

I summoned mz black hole, she's my homey :)

What a bunch of sanctimonious judgemental drivel. How dare you come marching in here with your high horse passing judgement because you had a troubled teen. Because of that you think you have all the answers on everyone else's situation.<br><br />
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Let's do away with all of the courts and teen counselors of the world, from now on everyone will consult "BeMySelf" for proper parental advice, she has obtained the final knowledge on how to be parent of the year, and if you don't believe it, just ask her for she'll tell you, patting herself on the back the entire time.... gag.

Datura - I am sorry I have to endure the self-pity of a parent who sees teen angst as a crime or mental disease which it is not. Just cos she can't cope, is not her daughter's fault but she is the one who is locked away. That is the crime.

And Nora, I do know what I am talking about on this subject - the subject of having a troubled teen, yes I do. So when you show a bit of respect for others maybe you will get respect, until then I don't see how you can expect anyone to show you the slightest bit of respect, you can't even participate in a simple disagreement without falling to pieces, like you gave up so easily on your daughter and stuck her away in a mental home.

I came into this experience because I do have experience of caring for a troubled teen who I had to look after while his mother was too emotional to. I was shocked to read that a mother would deal with their troubled teen by classing them as mentally ill and letting them be taken away by strangers and held in a scary and lonely place because this mother cannot understand that being a troubled teen is a stage in development and not a crime or problem. <br />
I have had abuse and criticism hurled at me in my posts, and I respond that is how it works but this lady wants to cry and say be nice to me, I am so sensitive that its not fair to disagree with me - but lady I do disagree, I do, deal with it, just as we all deal with the flack, get a backbone, I disagree with you big deal, happens all the time here, why are you so special?

Yes, posting on EP gets advice you want and also advice you don't, that is the nature of EP and of life, I hope that we never adopt the US system of diagnosing teen angst as a mental illness/locking away offense. I will argue against it all the way. Viva teens! They rock, they are not the problem.

Nora, I'm sorry you are having to endure this commentor's perceptions. This is a drawback to having a story be featured, particularly when the story is one that is very meaningful to the writer and of a sensitive nature. People who don't know you or your circumstances comment to share their thoughts, maybe meaning to be helpful, but are totally off base. I wrote a story about this happening to me on my most gut wrenching story. It was a painful experience to bear the criticism of someone who knew nothing about me.<br />
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My advice is to not engage this person any more and to delete any further comments without reading them.

Yes, my son told me how much he loved me the other day, he is so positive, because he knows I am on his side and not the side of the community/experts. He is free to be and do what he wants, whatever it is, I don't expect him to be a clone or "good" boy, he may want to rebel and that is fine by me too. He is his own person now he is a teen, and I love to see him be strong and assert himself, he will be a strong man. You seem to be so conventional and pressured by perfection in your parenting and yet where has it got you? Your style of parenting scares me - be a good child or I will put you away in a mental unit, that is appalling. And way out of line. Having pink hair and wanting a big party and being upset/confused because she was adopted does not make her mentally ill. <br />
My mom let me be myself - assertive and independant and honest too and I used to dye my hair, if I lived in the US and had you as a mom I would have been classed as mentally ill and been put away in a unit how scary is that? God makes me realise how lucky I am to have had the strong and wonderful mum I did. In UK we celebrate individuality, we don't class it as mentally ill, very sad state of affairs...

I don't think I was critical or unsupportive. Advice is support. You are reading into my words what is not there.<br />
My advice was not to judge that is all. And not to smother. I speak from experience of having had to care for a troubled teen (not my child - my nephew)<br />
I do not judge anyone, I have seen a teen crippled by parental smothering love then their abandonment which places untold pressure and distress on a developing teen and was advising you not to do the same. You just need to be there and everything will be fine. The style of parenting expressed in your post I do not practise. I would die before I let one of my kids go into a unit - I get my kids and don't need so-called experts to raise them for me. My kids won't because when they do goofy, angry teeny things, I let it go and don't treat them as a problem and run straight to a shrink. But I have sadly learnt on EP that is much more common in US than the UK. That is what I meant by the diagnosing of any behavior that is normal to development as a problem to be treated by a shrink or drugs. I do not agree with this approach in raising children or having teens.

You would not believe how some children are born with traits from who knows where. Please don't blame yourself.

uh, wut are you talking about dotan?

I feel so sorry for the story. The girl is so pure and lovely. I am sure she has inspired many people and her rebundance can not be taken place in our heart. Now she is somewhere in heaven. Her apperance changes your life.

I feel so sorry for the story. The girl is so pure and lovely. I am sure she has inspired many people and her rebundance can not be taken place in our heart. Now she is somewhere in heaven. Her apperance changes your life. Thanks for God.

It's not about mourning for a child lost, it's about strengthening the struggling young adult.<br />
<br />
You need to be more specific about her "mental illness".<br />
She's thirteen OF COURSE she's manipulative.

I just read your last update- hadn't read it before. I feel so sad for your daughter. She is testing you as all 13 year olds do- my daughter was just like your daughter at her age- all the rebellion and manipulation. She had me on edge when the whole church believed her over her own parents. I can't tell you how many times I was on edge and crying- it was unbelievable that the child I raised could behave this way and think the way she was thinking- it literally broke my heart. We (my husband and I) had to finally just step back and realize that no matter how personal it seems, it is NOT. It is a stage she had to go through. During the time we just kept confronting her with her wrong behavior in a level voice and leave it like that- no more, and hope as she aged she would remember those times, and that they would make sense to her one day. We also kept treating her the way we would treat her normally in ordinary circumstances. That is we kept modeling 'normal life' and never treating her any other way. Eventually, life changes- they grow up, and they can't the drama going forever, especially if you insist on not playing into it by being firm and never changing your behavior or lifestyle. <br />
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It is tough to put into words what I am trying to say. But I hope sharing my story triggers something in you so you know you are not alone. I will be praying for you and your daughter.

wow what a terribly sad story. 13 is always THE most difficult time of any girls life and they appear to have a mental illness- I mean EXTREME symptoms but it doesn't mean that they are mentally ill- it all is on how the parent handles it. My daughter went through a terrible time at 13- you would NOT EVER believe it was the same person I raised. But I KNEW my daughter better than any professional ever could and when they tried to get treatment for her and put labels for her whatever- I KNEW they were wrong. All of them. Professionals want status and they want money. But most of all, even the kind and sincere ones are driven by their training and limited point of view. Luckily I trusted myself, and now after graduating from high school at age 17 she is in her third year of one of the best universities in the country, in honors courses, and is on her way to her master's degree. Children need a mother and father more than they need professionals. <BR><BR>I feel bad for your situation, but I can not give you advice. ONLY a mother and father know their own children, and you have to relate to the child you raised and love her no matter what. I will be praying for you.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"

Never lose the hope.

You have my heart and my prayers. I had a daughter who was like this and has never come back to what I would consider a "normal" life. I had raised her as a single parent for 10 years. She has tried to become friends again with me, but only to get things, ie money from me. Her mother lives an the streets. My wife and I adopted my grand daughter because she wasn't safe in my daughter's house. At 15, she also started down the same road, but seems to be comming back. Maybe the genetics are being fixed. I wish you luck.

^Yup

re: BeMySelf's post - in other words, this is all your fault, Nora. lol, sorry I don't mean to laugh, it's just kind of absurd for her to come in here and judge your "judging." <br />
<br />
Hasn't this story clearly shown that you are trying to be there for your daughter and you're being punished for it?

I think you are a parent who loves too much, and that has an intolerable pressure on a growing adult. She is a person in her own right and needs to be allowed to speak. Her adoption / real parents will naturally be of great importance to her though she may have learnt that she has to hide that fact from you as you are so easily upset. Try to see that she is not a criminal or a problem but a normal girl going through normal experiences who is the victim of an over diagnosing, analysing and judgmental society - will you judge her too? Or be there for her?

I wish I could think of something to say to uplift you, but I think right now you just need to feel all these things that you are feeling and then find your way to work through them. We all do that differently.<br />
<br />
This new reality where you have very little control over what happens must feel nearly overwhelming right now. I've been in situations where I felt that way a couple of times in my life. It left me feeling brittle for a while, like I might shatter. But somehow, someway we manage to come to terms with it. The grieving part is an important part in the process, though. You are suffering a huge loss of the life and relationship you and she shared. You have lost the daughter you had all those years. Hopefully she will be helped and she will come back healthy and whole. But at this moment you have a right to grieve.<br />
<br />
I've always thought that the old adage to take one day at a time was good advice. Try to remain hopeful for the future. But, by all means, grieve for what was lost rather than let it fester inside you.<br />
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I am so sorry both you and she are going through this sad time.

I must say, you are a wonderful mother for standing by your child through this horrible ordeal. I can only imagine how you are feeling but you are a very strong lady, don't ever let that go and keep being optimisic! She'll be home soon and be the daughter that she is. =o)

Sorry, one last comment from my cold, black heart.<br />
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Don't worry or stress yourself sick. It's NOT your fault, it's just something she's going through that, in her mind, you will never understand. Just accept it, be happy she is healthy and let time do it's thing.

"People raise cattle. Children just happen."

I have an 11 yr old daughter and a 12 yr old son... on the verge of bringing me the hell I probably deserve. I'm expecting it. I still remember being a teenager. Perhaps anticipation can cushion some of the heartbreak. There is a whole world outside of your love for her, looks like she discovered it. I think parents try to shelter their kids from the harsh realities of life, and when teen discovers it, they're angry at the parent for what they didn't do to prepare them for the grand disillusionment.

my heart stopped for a moment reading this...brings back some memories like yours you are now experiencing...i too had to let the state place my daughter when she was 14 and half after two years of hell of trying to get through to the little girl i once had and can swear alien moved in ...was the hardest thing i had to do was walk out of that courtroom thinking i failed somehow someway even after all the group and family counceling... i can remember driving home that day thinking how easy it would be to die and end the pain and the hole in my heart ...thank god i knew i had young ones still at home that needed me...i can say my daughter was diangnosed bipolar and odd and after a year in intense therapy she called me ...wanting to come home...another six months in a group home for teens to learn life skills and independence skills before she faced the same judge and admitted to the lies she told them and asked to come home ...within months of her returning home i had her off those meds and learning to recognize her cycles and be able to say what she needed and self controll..im happy to say that almost five years later she is an independant young woman, went back to school, working fulltime and has stayed off meds...she went back to our hometown knowing that i was there for her but states away ...she flew out of nest and took the world on ...i talk to her weekly and at her down cycles shes learned to see it comming and take steps to ease it ...she calls her mom ....there is hope ..there is a lil girl still in there ...on this journey shes on the lil girl will stregthen and emerge ....she knows your there ...just hang in there hun.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is going through such a difficult time. I hope your daughter finds help soon and realizes how much you love her. Thanks for sharing this with us.

I am so sorry for you and your daughter! <br />
<br />
I hope this helps you:<br />
<br />
How Mental Health Can Best Be Restored<br />
<br />
WHEN mental illness strikes, it is a cause of great sadness to those affected. Yet there is no need for a family to feel shame when this happens. In many cases mental illness can come just as does some physical illness, such as the flu or heart disease. And even where physical causes are not a major factor, there is still reason to be hopeful and take a positive attitude. <br />
<br />
The question is, What best can be done?<br />
Often a combination of treatments is best. Most importantly, however, the suffering one should receive help from understanding family members or friends who are able to impart real hope and encouragement.<br />
<br />
These ones can take comfort in the fact that, as with other ailments, persons often recover from mental illness spontaneously, as the body in time adjusts and heals itself. And even when this does not occur, there is much that can be done to help the sufferer.<br />
<br />
The greatest need of such a one is to be loved. The importance of this is now stressed over and over again in medical literature. This means that family and friends should be patient, putting up with the person when that one acts erratic, irresponsible, or is unreasoning or otherwise difficult.<br />
<br />
Where can this needed help best be provided the mentally ill? In some mental hospital or institution? Quite likely not. In fact, a book prepared by four medical doctors says: “A major goal is to keep patients out of the hospitals whenever possible. Sometimes that alone is a victory, because with some of our present mental hospitals, there is a probability that the patient may be better off at home.”<br />
<br />
At home the patient is in familiar surroundings. He or she has the attention of vitally interested parties. Care can be given with the goal of recovery or improvement. But is education in a worldly school of psychiatry necessary in order to provide this help?<br />
<br />
Psychiatric Schooling Necessary?<br />
<br />
Interestingly, psychiatrists themselves acknowledge the shortcomings of psychiatric schooling. David S. Viscott, for example, states that the psychiatric board certifications have “overlooked many of the most important qualities which make a good therapist, such as his interest, his honesty, his curiosity, his openness, his humanness, and his willingness to help. <br />
<br />
Most of [these] were things they didn’t teach in school.”<br />
Going farther, Dr. J. D. Frank, author of Persuasion and Healing and coauthor of Group Psychotherapy, says psychiatric schooling is not necessary to aid the mentally ill. Psychology Today of April 1973 explains: “Frank believes a person with no training at all can be just as successful a clinician as a psychiatrist. ‘The therapist’s personal qualities,’ he says, ‘may have more to do with his success than his training in a particular method.’”<br />
<br />
Certain psychiatrists have acknowledged that the wisdom and understanding contained in God’s Word the Bible is of greater value in treating the mentally ill than is worldly schooling.<br />
<br />
At the close of a long and successful career, the late psychiatrist Dr. James T. Fisher wrote this in his book A Few Buttons Missing: the Case Book of a Psychiatrist:<br />
“If you were to take the sum total of all the authoritative articles ever written by the most qualified of psychologists and psychiatrists on the subject of mental hygiene—if you were to combine them and refine them and cleave out the excess verbiage—if you were to . . . have these unadulterated bits of pure scientific knowledge concisely expressed by the most capable of living poets, you would have an awkward and incomplete summation of the Sermon on the Mount.” <br />
<br />
That sermon by Jesus Christ is recorded in the Bible at Matthew chapters five through seven.<br />
Time and again, mentally unbalanced persons have been restored to health by receiving from qualified Bible teachers proper guidance and instruction based on the contents of that Divine Book. <br />
<br />
Consider some examples.<br />
Remarkable Recoveries—How?<br />
The patient was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as a paranoid schizophrenic. After ten years he was pronounced incurable and was able to stay out of a mental institution only by taking thirty-three pills every day. <br />
<br />
He took no interest in his appearance or in life in general. Then one of Jehovah’s witnesses calling from house to house managed to start a Bible study with him, and patiently inculcated in him its righteous requirements and the promised blessings to come to mankind under God’s kingdom. After eight months the man needed no more pills, and four months later he was pronounced fully cured.<br />
<br />
Then there was the woman in Michigan who, for many years, had received regular psychotherapy, shock treatments and had spent $5,000 on drug treatment. Yet, she still kept threatening suicide. However, after studying the Bible with Jehovah’s witnesses she was able to discontinue taking drugs as well as quit smoking. She phoned her psychiatrist to tell him that now she felt better than she had ever felt before and what accounted for it. He replied that he wished all his patients could find a cure like that.<br />
<br />
What made the difference with these persons? How did Bible instruction help them?<br />
As a result of their studies they gained a strong faith in the Creator, Jehovah God, as a personal God, and a real helper. (Isa. 50:7; Dan. 6:27) They came to understand why God has allowed wickedness and human suffering until our day, and how, soon now, God’s government will crush out of existence the causes of world troubles. <br />
<br />
Gaining confidence in God’s promises of the righteous conditions soon to be enjoyed on earth changed their whole outlook on life. They had hope!—Dan. 2:44; 1 John 2:17; Rev. 21:3, 4.<br />
But that is not all. They also learned to live by Bible principles, including how to apply love, joy, peace and self-control in their lives. (Gal. 5:22, 23) Certain persons have been especially helpful in aiding them to do this.<br />
<br />
Qualified to Help<br />
<br />
Due to their years of study of God’s Word and practical experience in handling personal problems, many Christian elders of Jehovah’s witnesses are well qualified to help those mentally or emotionally sick. The Bible command may be fittingly directed to these men: “Speak consolingly to the depressed souls, support the weak, be long-suffering toward all.”—1 Thess. 5:14.<br />
Guided by such divine counsel, Christian elders are aided to be sympathetic and upbuilding to persons coming to them for help. They thus manifest genuine interest, patiently hearing the troubled one through. <br />
<br />
They know the importance of not being quick to censure, but agreeing whenever they can with the ill person, recognizing the mental disturbance. Thus they are in position to work to comfort and help that one to recover. Kind and understanding elders have thereby assisted many persons to gain and maintain balance in this mixed-up world.<br />
<br />
Providing the Help Needed<br />
<br />
When helping a mentally disturbed person, Christian elders try to determine what has precipitated the unbalance. Is it deep-seated feelings of guilt? If so, God’s mercy can be stressed, as the Bible explains: “If anyone does commit a sin, we have a helper with the Father, Jesus Christ, a righteous one.” (1 John 2:1, 2) And the elders can show the Scripturally prescribed course, namely: “He that is confessing and leaving [one’s sins] will be shown mercy.”—Prov. 28:13; Ps. 32:1-5.<br />
Or perhaps it may be determined that the problem is that of anxiety. <br />
<br />
Here there is a need to stress the importance of, and the reasons for, faith in Jehovah God. He welcomes us to ‘cast our burdens upon him.’ One way we can do this is by heartfelt prayer, and the elders can demonstrate by praying in behalf of the listening troubled one.—Ps. 55:22.<br />
<br />
Obviously, it does not follow that every case of mental illness can be cured solely by helping persons to apply in their lives the Bible’s divine wisdom. Other measures may also be indicated, an important one, meriting early attention, is a complete physical examination. <br />
<br />
There have been cases, for example, where something as simple as an impacted tooth has been found to affect the brain, causing mental aberrations, even though it caused the sufferer no physical pain. When the pressure was relieved by removing the tooth, the mental disturbance ceased.<br />
<br />
In other severe cases, use of certain medically prescribed drugs may be necessary to help relieve mental unbalance. And not to be overlooked is what has been said about the role that nutrition can have in restoring mental health.<br />
However, based upon what experience has shown, we can be confident that mentally or emotionally disturbed persons will especially be helped by the counsel and guidance from God’s Word. <br />
<br />
It is the desire of Jehovah’s witnesses to make available the soothing and healing effects of this Divine Word to as many persons as possible in this distressed world of mankind. If you care for such assistance, or know of anyone who does, please contact Jehovah’s witnesses. They will be happy to call and help persons to benefit from the healthful, upbuilding principles of the Bible in their lives.

love - strength - enduring hope is always wished for you.

She will come home as a woman when she is finished with this part of her journey. You're both in my thoughts and prayers.

You have my heartfelt sympathy for the sorrow you are enduring right now. But you also have my heartfelt belief that you are absolutely correct in knowing that your little girl is still in there somewhere and will be helped to come back out.<br />
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If this had to be a part of her journey, if she had to go through this dark night , I keep thinking that it is better to happen now when she is younger than to happen in her twenties or thirties when options and help might be less.<br />
Holding you both in my heart.