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Another Bump In the Road

He made me cry. Right there in front of the Emergency Room Doctor, The Two Nurses, The paramedic, and the Xray technician. Things have been almost calm for a year now. Sure we have our "days."Well, more like our "moments." Nothing like things were before and right after I got some backbone and told The Troll we could not live under his rule any longer. And things would have remained relatively peaceful. Had he not been in so much pain. Enough pain that he came to me in tears, telling me he could not stand it. And agreeing to go to the Emergency Room. Scared. Yes, he was very scared. I explained they would evaluate him. SOMETHING would be answered today. Mentioned a possible xray.... And then there we were, And the doctor ordered diagnostic studies.... And Intravenous Access. Terror set in. He has NEVER been able to stand anything touching his veins. It is not fear of pain. No, he has tattoos, has had an ear drum ruptured when he jumped into a street fight to protect a little kid from being pulverized (even the police commended him). He has had stitches, broken arm,a concussion, the usual Little Boy Blue Bandages of Childhood. And he even had an I V last summer, but doesn't recall that too very well. Terror can not be reasoned with. It is animal-like,primal, lashes out in defense. Even at Mom. I had to be strong. No way,Kiddo, you are NOT backing out. This will be done. If you walk out of here without this evaluation(which he was ready to do),you will find yourself an adult when you do. Fully responsible for your own care. I can't take care of you if you won't let me. And if you won't let me, I will not accept responsibility. "You tricked me, get away from me, don't touch me, after this I am NEVER GOING TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. I KNEW I should NEVER have TRUSTED YOU!" Oh, my shattered heart. Please, My Child, let me hold you. Let me love you. You're scared and in pain. Oh God, HOW MY HEART ACHES. But no, I had crossed the line he had drawn in the sand. And what hurt the most??? He meant it. He REALLY meant it. It was best that the tests were done. He has a deformed kidney, and only ONE kidney, located in his pelvis,rather than where it should be. The doctor was amazed that this has gone undetected for 18 years. Tonight I wrote him a short note on a card. Telling him I hope he can realize I was at a crossroads and had to make a choice between: Letting him walk out and risk losing his life, if it was immediately life threatening(we didn't know yet). OR Risking him hating me for the rest of his life, but increasing the odds dramatically that his life was not threatened. And I chose HIM, HIS LIFE. Just a little bit ago he called me "MoM" And shared a joke with me. Now I cry tears of relief. And worry, but I think I'll wait till morning to ride that pony. It needs a rest.
thornyasarose thornyasarose 46-50, F 2 Responses Jul 22, 2009

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Thank you so much. So many people say "oh, someday they'll understand and they'll thank you for it" BUT it is not "thanks" that I long for or want. What I want is to ENJOY my children, in the here and now through each and every single day of there lives. And I want them to be happy. Today,tomorrow,forever. My daughter is 15, we have a "date night" on Wednesday Nights. All we do is watch Ghost Hunters together and eat in front of the TV. Talk,laugh,relax. About a month ago a young man that was interested in her invited her over to his parents to meet his numerous siblings, and his dad&step-mom. She told him "no, not tonight" and he must have asked why, because I heard her say "Wednesday nights are my mom and my night to be together and I don't change it for anyone." It,of course,made me feel good. I know the day will come when there will be someone she decides is worthy of changing her routine Wednesday night plans, but until then, I will enjoy every moment.<br />
My son did come into my bedroom at about 4:30 in the morning and woke me up. Then he said,"About that note that you wrote me,Mom.... I do understand and I love you." I slept so peacefully after that!<br />
I do the note "thing" so they can read it whenever THEY are ready to hear what I want to tell them. That and (especially) texting seems to help me "speak their language" better.<br />
I pray your son does well. How hard it must be to watch your child endure such painful procedures. You certainly have my admiration.

My heart aches when I read this...I pray you will both heal in all ways...<br />
My son is 13, has had spinal cord surgery. The pain he experienced afterwards was mind boggling and to see how he looked at me. Like "why did you let this happen to me mommy?" <br />
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I can only imagine how you are feeling - but I would have done the same thing to save my son's life. And hope that he will someday forgive me and allow me to be close to him again.