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Verbally Abusive Husband And Father - We Are All A Mess.

Where to begin? This is a very long post, but I have so much to say, it’s hard to condense 25 years of abuse into one paragraph. I grew up with two amazing and kind-hearted parents. They showered me with love, I was my daddy's princess - and mostly importantly, they showered each other with love. It was a very happy home. At 18, I was dealt a cruel blow - I lost about 50% of my hearing, it was devastating, and a difficult physical and emotional adjustment. Thanks to therapists, and my family, I was able to continue my life as "normal" person. I began to wear hearing aids, graduated from university, and I have had a successful career as an accountant for 30 years. Promoted many times, and very valued by my employers and clients. This is the only part of my life that is actually okay. My personal life is a mess.
At 25, I met my Bob - the man I would marry two years later. I did not have many boyfriends growing up, many guys were afraid of my disability, or I was insecure about it - but when I met Bob, it was so easy. He was tall, good looking, funny, and didn't care I had a hearing problem - he cared about me. He was the darling of my family, my parents loved him, my friends and their spouses loved him. He seemed like an overall great guy. During the time we dated, there were a few occasions where I saw Bob get very upset over the tiniest things that other people did. Like really really upset, over tiny tiny things. He always found a way to justify his anger. His immediate family was the opposite of mine - his parents were always either not speaking to each other, or to someone in the family, his sister same thing. There was never peace in his immediate family. He is not close to them at all. Bob seemed to be the only normal one. How wrong I was.
On our honeymoon, he blew up at me for the first time. I don't remember why he blew up – all I remember is that he insisted that I somehow offended him (please note: it is not in my nature to offend people, actually, the opposite is true - I am considered quiet and just easygoing – so his accusation, was shocking to me). As a result of my “offending” him, he became enraged and so emotionally vicious and cruel, he told me he wanted a divorce - on our honeymoon. That day, I ended up having what was the first of many panic attacks. I remember thinking on my honeymoon, "I have to go home now, after what was practically a dream wedding, and tell everyone I'm getting a divorce?? Is this actually happening? ". I felt like such a failure. But a few days later, he apologized, and was back to his normal self. I felt so relieved. And our honeymoon continued smoothly. Once we got home and settled into married life, his outbursts were more and more frequent - he blamed them on the financial difficulties he was having at work. Every day, I had to apologize for SOMETHING I did - either I offended him, or I was rude to him, or I ignored him, always always. He called me names, he punched walls, he threw the clothes from laundry baskets all over the corridor, and forced me to pick them up. I remember I was 7 months pregnant, being on on knees, crying and picking up the clothes. He would rage for hours and hours, loudly. Why didn't I leave??? I don't know. I was stupid, I was weak, I was scared - no one knew what he was really like, not my friends, cousins, - they all loved him!! Oh, he's such a great charming guy - he's everyone's favorite, the life of every party!! I would be nuts to let him go! No one knew he had a monster-side.
Fast forward, the more he raged, the weaker I became. We had two beautiful healthy children, the joy of my life - and his - yet, his raging, was directed at them as well - many many times. Always triggered by the same thing: His being offended by US. How can five year olds possibly offend a huge man? Is it even possible?? – But even then, he accused his children of offending him. He has called me and the children the following names: *******, *****, Loser, Pathetic, Piece of **** (yes both my daughter and I were at the receiving end of p.o.s.), Fat Pig, (me and my son) etc...He criticizes EVERYTHING I do, EVERYTHING the children do - we are not good enough. We are losers. When he would have these outbursts in front of my small children, being the idiot that I am, I figured I would protect them by telling them "it's okay, he will calm down", and send them to their room - and then things would be back to normal within a few days. I tip-toed around him constantly, hoping not to “offend” him. When he would come home from work telling me how he blasted people he worked with (since they too were “offending” him), I listened and let him talk. I am not allowed to disagree. He is a tyrant and a dictator – he can **** on everyone at any time, and we have to take it – or else, WE are the bad ones. I taught my children to tip-toe around him - but they didn't always know how. I hate myself for letting my children grow up in this environment. I hate myself for being so weak. As the kids got older, they would fight back - and he would blow up at them for fighting back. One thing I always did (in my mind, this made things okay, but I was wrong)...when he would verbally attack the kids, I would step in and defend them. Always. I always defended them and I would blast him immediately when he would call them ugly names. So the fighting was no longer between him and the kids, but him and me. But as long as he stopped hounding the kids, I didn’t care how much he yelled at me. As long as they were safe. (was I really that stupid to think that as long as he was yelling at me, and not them, they would be okay?)
My children are now 23 and 20. My 23 yr old daughter, has not had an easy time of this. She HATES me for having accepted this all these years. She accuses me of not having defended her. She accuses me of being a hypocrite and weak for not walking out on an emotional monster, and for letting her grow up in this environment. I don’t blame her for hating me. She is extremely verbally abusive towards me -and I accept it - because I feel guilty. it's MY FAULT she is like that, I am the one that didn't leave her dad. She is also abusive towards her brother, has been for years – I tolerate her outbursts because I feel GUILTY for not having left her dad. She’s in a lot of pain, and it’s all my fault. I was too afraid to leave, and I still am. And my being nearly deaf, doesn’t help. My hearing has deteriorated considerably, I am now legally deaf – and I rely on lip-reading. There were many many times, that without Bob, I don’t really know where we’d be. He is not always a monster. We have had many many good times too, lots of terrific vacations and holidays, our life is like a roller coaster – we can have a smooth ride, then suddenly, we have a curve (the curve is when he rages and rages) – and we have to hold on until the curve ends. It always ends. My daughter is fed up of me doing nothing, and fights with me a lot, she wants me to leave him NOW. I feel as if she is putting a gun to my head. She has had two very serious emotional outbursts recently, insisting that she cannot be in the same house as her father. (He just stands there smirks at her while she is saying these things and crying – which makes it even worse) She refuses to see a counselor. She attacked me for suggesting it – saying “you’d rather have your kids see a counselor than get rid of the problem – you make me SOOOOO sick”…She is a fulltime student, and relies on us financially.
I am in a state of limbo. I hate how much suffering he has created in all of us. When I think of my wonderful childhood, I hate that I wasn’t able to give that to my children. I owe it to them. We are in so much pain. Especially my daughter. My son, has obviously been affected too – but he complains MORE about the bullying he has received from my daughter, than the verbal abuse of my husband. She calls my son horrible names, and me, stupid me, I tell him to just brush it off. Just like I tell him to brush off what his father says. As you can see, it’s a mess. I’m a mess, and because I’m a mess, my kids are a mess. Our life is a mess. I don’t even know which way is up. I never have peace. When the kids were smaller, and I was at work – and they were home alone with their dad, so many times, my daughter would call me at work – crying that her dad was going crazy. I would leave work early, rush home, and try to smooth things over. This still goes on. Now I can’t use the phone anymore, my hearing is almost all gone – so my daughter texts me – same thing. My son texts me that his sister is being horrible to him, and that he can’t take it anymore. I cannot leave my two kids home alone– even though they are adults, because I know my daughter will verbally attack my son. I schedule my work to make sure my husband is never home alone with my kids. I have to be there to be sure no one is attacking anyone. This is not a life.
I don’t see a way out of this. It’s all my fault. I am not looking for pity, but some steps on how to A) help my daughter B) stop her from bullying my son C) stop being so weak. I have seen counselors many many many times. I have had lots of therapy over the years– it never helped. I spent many sessions talking about what my husband did, his raging, and how could I prevent his blowups. All the therapists have told me that I had to STOP the abuse by getting OUT, that was the only way – I had to STOP accepting and justifying my daughter’s abuse of me and my son. I wasn’t able to do any of it. I just stupidly put on my rose-colored glasses, and focused on the good side. How wrong I was.
Poutine25 Poutine25 51-55, F 4 Responses Apr 28, 2012

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Its good to know that I am not the only one that has stayed in a verbally and mentally abusive marriage for 27 years -for me out of fear. My sons left as soon as they were 18. They still talk to their father because they do not have to live with him anymore. My daughter fights with him all of the time and he thinks there is something wrong with her. Believe me it is him.

I don't know how to leave at this point as he would hunt me down and I don't know how unstable he is. He is smart when it comes to somethings but in other things not smart at all. He has always been self centred.

I am on a disability leave as living with him for 27 years has made me crazy. The mental stress while trying to work was more than I could take. I am now 53 and if I do not earn income the abuse would get worse. I am so depressed I can't work. The whole thing has effected me physically and I sleep or sit in my room most of the day.

He got a DUI last year...no big deal...because he got it. If it would have been anyone else he would have flipped. We have been driving him around all year and I have to get up at 6:00am in the morning to drive him to work.He critisizes my driving all the way to work.

I won't let him touch me because he treats me so bad how can there be an attraction.

It feels good to vent. Yes I think prayer is my only saving grace. My mother told me not to marry him as we had nothing in common...she was right. I have a University degree and he has always worked in construction type jobs.

I was in love with someone else when I married him but the other fellow saw what I was putting up with and just gave up. My husband stalked me until I went back to him. Then I married him. What a mess. I married out of fear.

Anyway I will continue to pray and perhaps God will help. I see no other way out.

I feel your pain. I have been married for thirty years to a verbal abuser. In fact he would freak out right now if he knew I was posting this. I feel guilty too. I have two children, a ten year old and a 16 year old. They have suffered so much. Verbal abuse is so horrible to watch your child experience. It's like having your skin peeled off...it's so horrible . Of course my husband says its our fault because we push him to the edge. The reason I haven't left is because I'm scared of him. He is so mentally unstable when he is angry I am scared of what he will do. He has no fear of consequences or the law. I am afraid he would kill all of us because he is such a control freak. If he can't control us, then he might kill us. Or he might kill himself which would also damage the kids...that their father killed himself because we left him. I constantly talk to my children that he has issues, it is not them. But of course, I see the damage. They are not confident and are both loners.

I am surprised you are with him now. May I BEG you to save yourself and start a new life? You did your duty raising the children. Now please take care of you. But maybe you are afraid too. Afraid he will hurt you and if you disappear he might use the kids to find out where you are. Is that the case? I always say I'm going to leave when the kids are not at home but if I think he will hurt us I might not. It's a horrible life. I know. You are probably like me, isolated because you can't really share your life with those around you. My husband is hyper sensitive to looking bad in any way in the public. He finds fault with any of my friends and especially their husbands so i am pretty lonely.When he is mad, he is so evil it makes me shiver. I pray a lot. I ask God to please help him see that what he is doing is wrong. I pray to the Lord to help me with every day. I couldn't get through my day without prayer. I feel for you so much. We are sisters in this horrible trap of abusers. I am so sorry your daughter is resenting you. I tell my daughter I think she is going to hate me someday for keeping her in this situation. It must be so painful for you. Pray for your daughter. Don't give up hope. Keep talking to her gently. Remind her she doesn't want to carry on the legacy of her father. Encourage her to seek the Lord. Truly, I believe He is the only salvation for everything. If you are not afraid for the physical safety of you and your children...get out now. Other than that...pray,pray,pray.

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I feel your pain. I have been married for thirty years to a verbal abuser. In fact he would freak out right now if he knew I was posting this. I feel guilty too. I have two children, a ten year old and a 16 year old. They have suffered so much. Verbal abuse is so horrible to watch your child experience. It's like having your skin peeled off...it's so horrible . Of course my husband says its our fault because we push him to the edge. The reason I haven't left is because I'm scared of him. He is so mentally unstable when he is angry I am scared of what he will do. He has no fear of consequences or the law. I am afraid he would kill all of us because he is such a control freak. If he can't control us, then he might kill us. Or he might kill himself which would also damage the kids...that their father killed himself because we left him. I constantly talk to my children that he has issues, it is not them. But of course, I see the damage. They are not confident and are both loners.

I am surprised you are with him now. May I BEG you to save yourself and start a new life? You did your duty raising the children. Now please take care of you. But maybe you are afraid too. Afraid he will hurt you and if you disappear he might use the kids to find out where you are. Is that the case? I always say I'm going to leave when the kids are not at home but if I think he will hurt us I might not. It's a horrible life. I know. You are probably like me, isolated because you can't really share your life with those around you. My husband is hyper sensitive to looking bad in any way in the public. He finds fault with any of my friends and especially their husbands so i am pretty lonely.When he is mad, he is so evil it makes me shiver. I pray a lot. I ask God to please help him see that what he is doing is wrong. I pray to the Lord to help me with every day. I couldn't get through my day without prayer. I feel for you so much. We are sisters in this horrible trap of abusers. I am so sorry your daughter is resenting you. I tell my daughter I think she is going to hate me someday for keeping her in this situation. It must be so painful for you. Pray for your daughter. Don't give up hope. Keep talking to her gently. Remind her she doesn't want to carry on the legacy of her father. Encourage her to seek the Lord. Truly, I believe He is the only salvation for everything. If you are not afraid for the physical safety of you and your children...get out now. Other than that...pray,pray,pray.

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I am only 18 and I'm really not in a position to give you afvice. But, I have a verbally abusive father and I can relate to your childrens' perspectives. I have lost respect for my mom because she hasn't left my dad. She is the only reason he is here. My sisters and I tolerate the abuse every day. I understand where they are coming from, but deep down, they know that you are not at fault. You didn't abuse them. You didn't ridicule, insult, or unlease rage upon them. In time, maybe they will understand that. You stayed in the marriage because you didn't want to give up. In time, they will see.