Can't Pick Up The Pieces

A few months ago my father my passed away from cancer, and when he did that, he left a huge void in my small family. Now it's just me, my younger sister and my mom. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't hate eachother. I don't know why my sixteen year old sister is so angry with our mother, we grew up in the same household and I'm not like her at all. She makes my mom sick, literally, with her behavior, because my mom has high blood pressure and she's still mourning my father (they were together for over 30+ years). 

Day after day they fight, argue and scream....my father would be so hurt. They did this even before he passed and that made him even sicker. My sister is so inconsiderate, and to some degree I feel she may need medical attention because of the way she behaves. I know that ditching school, drinking, and smoking pot is going to happen...that's just high school, but  my sister has taken it to a whole different level. She's at her SECOND continuation school. She's still in the ninth grade (she's supposed to be in the 11th) and when my mother confronts her about all this, she explodes. "I hate you, I never want to be around you..."  I know that my mother and father both used to snort cocaine, but they were discreet about it and I never knew up until two years ago; it hurt when I found out, but it didn't change who they were to me. I still loved them unconditionally and prayed that they would overcome their habit, and they did. I don't think my sister ever forgave my mother for it, but forgave my dad because he became sick and he was so discreet with it, that all you had was a confession; no behavioral changes, no evidence....but my mom was a little sloppy and my sister saw her do it a few times. Is that why she's so angry, I don't understand. She lacks compassion for others, all she cares about is herself. She wants EVERYTHING and expects to do nothing in return. In her eyes, the world owes her. For what?!

I don't blame my sister for the rift in our family, but I do blame her for making it worse. We're all we have now, and she doesn't care. Her friends, my friends, our family, my mom's friends...all think my sister is out of control. My mother, acts like a doormat and even after all the fighting they do, my sister still gets what she wants, only to tell my mother how horrible she is moments after. I'm afraid to leave them alone...but I have to eventually. I can't let them take me under with them. I have to finish college, I have to transfer, I need to get the hell out of this house....but where does that leave them?

Ironically, last night, my sister called my mother poison. When really, it seems the other way around...my body tenses, my back aches, my nerves are a wreck when my sister walks through the front door. And I feel terrible that I wait for the weekends to come when she leaves and doesn't come back until Sunday night.

My sisters anger runs deep, I believe she needs help but she thinks therapists are for weak people like myself.  You see, I was taking prozac for over a year, and eventually I no longer felt the need for it....but a few days ago, after having to deal with another one of their scream fests: "Why do you hate me so much?!" "Get the **** out of my room!" , I went to my Dr. and asked her to put me back on the drugs. *sigh* I fear I won't make it in this house otherwise. I'm  sorry dad, I'm trying to pick up the pieces but it's too hard and I'm failing.

completelymislead completelymislead
18-21, F
Mar 8, 2010