5 Year Old Parent

I love my mother, I really really do but the woman hasn't made my life easy in the slightest. In respect for her, she doesn't know she is doing it.

To understand my issues one would have to understand the woman that is my mother. Born in Quebec, the first girl out of 14 children, my mother was forced to be the worker of the family. Her mother (a woman I refuse to call my grandmother) abused my mother, made her sleep in the barn and Cinderella-ed the crap out of my poor mother. Great grand-mum took mommy in but mum's mum came and accused Great grand-mum of stealing my mother and put up a big fight to get her back. Mommy wasn't allowed to go to school and never really finished grade 5 before she was forced to work full time. At 17 my mother left home, moved to Kingston Ontario and started to learn english, went to school to become a nurse aid for nursing homes. Now mommy speaks english pretty darn well and still works at a nursing home.

My mother is a lovely woman in passing. She is very kind to everyone she meets but as a mother she has her faults- just like everyone else.

The first sign that something was wrong was the constant threats of running away. As little as I can remember mom would always tell me that if I didn't listen she would run away, 'nobody loves me... I might as well run away' 'nobody listens... I'm running away' 'Find yourself another mother' even 'If you don't listen mommy is running away and never coming back'
Those lines always got a rise from me. As a kid, you don't want to hear that your mother is running away so I was always scared to disappoint her so she didn't run away. She never did leave- hollow threats but they were effective. I was whipped and always sad for my mother.

When I was finally old enough to realize that she wasn't going anywhere she took another take on things. She would start to cry, lock herself in the bedroom and say 'do whatever you want!' a line I hate more than anything. Here is why- you do what you want and you get in trouble anyways... you do what they want you are miserable, missing out on life (because she never says yes) and yet she is still angry at you for even suggesting you did something.

Living on my own, away from the nest, keeping in touch with the family is very important to me so naturally I speak to mom very often. Now I have discovered a new problem. She doesn't listen or something gets lost in translation.
I will say something she responds with an absent answer and then a second later it is gone from her mind.
She still gives me a hard time about choices, things done and often calls me up to cry about the sister and the father. I tell her the mistake she is making and she reacts like I have just called her the ugliest person in the world. She shouldn't have asked if she didn't want the answer.

When I was depressed, I called her up- told her that I was finally getting help and she responds by telling me that I didn't need anti-depressants, they will just make me 'loopy', 'doped'. She still gives me a hard time but when it comes to the sister taking pills for her issues mommy walks her in by the hand and asks for pills (meanwhile I'm still getting a ear full of crap)
She is a walking contradiction when it comes to my sister and I. She will limit me to nothing, feed me crap about morals (yet I am the most responsible person in the house) and allow the sister to do everything I wasn't.

On the flip side, mom is totally a cool cat. She has joined me at one of my house parties, got drunk and hung out with all my friends. When in a good mood she is an amazing, lovely, one of a kind lady to be graced with. This works as just the opposite when she isn't in a good mood (which is more often than not) I'm not sure how to do the crazy little things she does justice but those are the basics.

When dealing with my mother I have realized that it takes patients. I must look at mom like a 5 year old (use little words because she only knows so much english and has the intellect level of a elementary school student) I could put things into a puppet show, movie, book, pictures, french... anyway really and it still wouldn't reach her they way it was intended to.

I love my mommy to death but she does make things very difficult at times.
Linxer Linxer
31-35, F
3 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Kasper12785- I've been speaking with quite a few folks who have at least one parent who is like my mother, and by the sounds of it your father. Maybe it is a tradition/culture thing vs our modern/developing environment.

wow your mom is a lot like my dad he is from poland and his english is bad but a hell of a lot better than it used to be. More oft then not he flies off the handle with empty threats that lost their power as i aged. Now a days hes really hard to speak to he never listens so he never fully understands where im coming from but still wants to give me advice and is almost controlling about having me follow it. I dont know if any of this translates to your experience but I read our story and automatically thought of him

I understand that and that is why I have a hard time being angry about some of her actions.