Guilt

My mother had another crisis this afternoon. A neighbor phoned and said she was completely confused and unable to walk, talk or even find her way to her door.

My mother is 68. She's bipolar and has severe personality disorder. She's always been so difficult that we grew distant, especially since I became a mother myself. It's hard to explain my feelings. I don't know if I love her anymore and that makes me feel horrible. I don't want my children next to her, like she's dangerous or something! They hardly know her.

I still have recollections of my childhood. I remember how badly I wanted to be with her. I loved her smell, her fair skin, so white it was like milk... I remember holding her hand and feeling safe.

I was 18 when our relationship broke. My husband (then boyfriend) became my universe and things changed. He made me feel safe and loved too. Though this love was pure and easy. I was always very afraid of her. Afraid of disappointing her mostly, so her love was always so hard to satisfy.
By the time I got married we were like strangers. But I was able to go see her once a week.

Now?? I can't stand being next to her. When she touches me, I feel as she's draining me. Her smell?? Makes me feel so bad, so many memories come back with that smell of hers... It's almost unbearable.

I know I should be there with her. I should take care of her now she's a helpless old woman. But I can't...
I hate myself for not being able to feel compassionate towards her. For avoiding her as much as I can.

Thankfully my father understands. They've been separated for 20 years now, but this afternoon he just went there and took her to his home. I don't know what I would have done if not by him. Guess I'll have to prepare myself and face her anyway though. Go there tomorrow, hold her hand... Play my role...

I'm afraid of becoming like her. I'm afraid of getting old, my sons avoiding me, being a problem to everybody. End up all alone. But maybe that's exactly what I deserve anyway... I'm a horrible daughter.
anonimacy anonimacy
36-40, F
6 Responses Jul 15, 2013

in simpler words throw in a few tequila shots before you go meet her . go in a good , confident mood , hug cuddle and admire .... she will fall for you like a hugry man to hamburgers ;) HINT : its your confidence , mood and outlook that will govern how she reacts to you , you know what to doo ... go butter her ;)

my dear Angel J , firstly try giving love to her and if she responds well to it , consider yourself to be the mother and her to be the child . She is helpless like a child and unhappier than a child .... so she might quarrel , frown . in case she does , still consider your self to be the mother and her a child , you have to be the angel you are and look beyond what you feel ........... after all the woman that hurt you is no longer the same woman , she no longer can hurt you . she's helpless , so help her .

I can understand where you're coming from; it's a difficult situation, to say the least. Feeling guilty won't help the situation; it is what it is. Keep going through the motions, but don't feel obliged to feel a certain way; it sounds as if things have always been a bit precarious. I feel for you and am thinking of you. Hugs.

I love your hubby's response. I have a stressed relationship with my mom, too. I don't know that I could take her in, care for her, even on her death bed. She never did the things to grow love. You can't force it. I know all about obligations and feelings of guilt. But don't shoulder it. This is on her, and not on you.

Honey, love is not an obligation. It has to be earned.

Perhaps (not sure) the only kind of love that it is given unconditionally is between parents and their children. But your mother always put her love under condition, so you would never feel safe.

Moreover, as you grew older she even did things (several) to damage what was left of it. And that happened while she was okay.

You know I've always tried to be conciliatory, so my words aren't coming with resentment towards her. But it is a fact that she is a VERY VERY difficult to love person. It's not an accident that she has no friends and even her sister is not that close to her.

Now she's sick, and in her sickness she recreates some of her bad attitudes. Now it may not be her fault, but it's impossible to ignore her manipulative and unpleasant ways that reminds her previous times.

It's not anybody's fault not to love someone that has hurt.

Now she is worthy of compassion, and that's our obligation with her. Not to leave her alone. But from time to time it is hard not to see her as any unknown old person worthy of compassion.

If love has to find its way back, it eventually will. At the right moment and form. Don't push your feelings.

The big difference between you and her, is that you have spread and planted seeds of love into us: your husband, your kids, your family and extended family. Everything you do is for love towards your family, without a pinch of egoism.

You will always have me and the kids, so be sure to harvest all the love you have planted.

Be strong my love. And do what your heart tells you. I will be next to you!

Aww... I know, sis. I know. Love ya!!!!

she's your sister ,,, she an angel too !
does she happen to grant wishes !!!!!!!!!!!!

That is not what you deserve. It was an unhealthy relationship. Now her mind is gone and you understandably feel guilty. It is miss placed guilt my dear. When she was in her right mind she made choices you made yours based on hers.

Feelings are neither wrong nor right. You did not have a loving relationship with her, you can not expect to feel as if you had now. So forgive yourself. Make arrangements for her care. Ask your dad if he will assist in this as it is a hard job.

Thanks Jenna!!!! That's what my hubby says... I just wish things would have ended up different between us.

I guess my father will have her until we find an institution. She won't be able to live by herself anymore, but dad has his own life now. Wouldn't be fair to ask more from him.

I think if he has taken responsibility for her at this point. He still cares. He also cares about you. Don't think so much of it as asking of him. But giving him the chance to do something for her and for you. Don't be in a huge rush to take that privilege away from him dear.
It was hard for me to learn the lesson of letting others serve. This might be something you are learning now.