I Dont Know If I Should Stay Or Go But Most Of All I Feel Stupid Right Now

Hello and welcome to my heart ache. Well lets start from the being shall we. My name is Panda and I dont know if I should stay with my boyfriend or not. The only way I can get a true opinion on this is to start from the top and not hold anything back. In the most part I am going to sound like the victim but I'm not trying to be one or at least I dont want to be one. I have change all parties names to protect the privacy of everyone involved even though I shouldn't care.
My boyfriend Cam and I have been together on and off for the last 5yrs. In those 5yrs we have been though hell and back and now I have come to my final cross roads with him. To hear ours story is to understand where I am coming from and hopefully help me to understand where I need to be.
Cam and I have known one another for the last 17yrs. When we First met it was in high school and I hated him with a fiery passion to say the least. ( should have stuck with my 1st impression ) A couple years after we graduated he came into the store where I was working and tried to get my phone number instead I ended up getting his god brothers number. ( yes its weired but his god brother and I use to date and we ending up losing touch ) Now lets move on to a couple years later than that day. Cam came into another store I was working with a woman named Wanda. They where shopping for her and he saw me and tried to talk to me again. I was put off by the fact that he was not only with someone and trying to get my number again. (can you say persistent). Now we are going to flash forward one year. I have had the worst day at work, my current boyfriend and I are feeling more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend. A co-worker and I decide we are going to go out and party are pain away. We arrive at my co-workers house to get shower and get dress. While there we have gotten drunk out of minds, waiting for the rest of the group to show up. As we walk into the club and make our way to the back bar I hear an unfamiliar voice call my name. I look around and see no one I know. Than it calls out my last name. My face is red by now because nobody calls me by my whole name except my mother. Than Cam walks up to me and smiles. He asks what am I doing here tonight I tell him to have some fun and blow off some steam. He tells me he there to celebrate a friends birthday and his new job. I smile back and tell him that's nice. He ask to buy the rest of my drinks for the night. I laugh and say "are you sure you want to do that I drink a lot ". He replies " I'm sure ". I am the kinda person who believes that no woman should buy drinks anyway and if this clown wanted to get me and my friends drunker than we already are that's his dime. Cam, my friends, and danced the whole night and when the lights came on he asked for my number. Due to my intoxication I gave him my Tmobile number instead of my Boost number. ( all my friends at that time knew the Tmobile number was to talk on and for people I actually like the Boost on the other had was only to use the direct connect to chirp my sales associates and the phone number to that one had a nasty message that told all caller that I didnt like them and I didnt want to answer them and they just wasted their time ).
one week later Cam calls, since I didnt store his number in my phone, I didnt know it was him. We talk for 10hrs about nothing and it was wonderful. He asked me out for a date before we got off the phone. And I said "yes sure". True he wasn't my type but my type was sucking at this point and time. So why not go out with him one date couldn't hurt and I was newly single it would be a practice date to get me back into the swing of things. Are dated went well be saw move went back to his place for dinner. While at his play we where talking and he looked so shy which made me go into predator mode. ( predator mode for me is to make the 1st move when a guy to shy to do it ) I smile and said to him " you want to kiss me dont you ". He said "yes ". I looked into his eyes and laid one on him. We ended up sleeping together that night. ( no I dont do that on the 1st dated it just happened ) Figuring I would not see him again because we had sex, I drove home that morning. (and to be honest at that time I would haven't cared if we didnt speak again ) Well to my surprise he called me everyday after that. We started to hang out a lot after that night. (yes we still sleeping together ) Well after a month I met his baby mother, her boyfriend, and her 3 kids. (only the youngest one is his ) Im thinking this is getting kinda serious? So after 5 months of us dating with no commitment and I brought up the subject of what are we to one another. He told me he cared for me deeply but didnt know what he wanted right now. I am a understating person so I said ok . Than I started noticing a girl name Wanda calling a lot. I asked what was going on and he told me they where just friends. ( yeah ******* right ) 7 months in he tells me she want to be him and he wants to be with her. It broke my heart. I didnt brake his face like he broke my heart, I said fine Im gone but dot you ever show your face around me again or I might not be so nice.
Its been 3 months since the last time I saw Cam. My life has moved on I have dated a few guys but for the most party I have hung with friends. His god brother calls me (me and his god brother talk at least 2 times a week ) and ask to call Cam. I asked why, what do we have to say to one another. His god bro says " Cam has been asking about you a lot, and he miss you, but you made him delete you out of his phone.". " So he sent you in to see if I would talk to him" , I laugh. I tell him I dont have his number anymore. His god bro gives me his number and tells me call Cam a.s.a.p.. After I get off from work that night I look at his number. I want to know what he wants but their is part of me that wants nothing to do with this ******* who broke my heart. Well I given in and call be tells me how Wanda doesn't want him as boyfriend and how she was just listening to her home girls telling her what to do. I tell him you hurt over a ***** that didnt even want you classic. He ask if we can me at my spot. I say" no" at first, but give in after a couple of weeks of pleading. ( my spot is not my house it the docks where people fish but at night I go there to calm my mind and listen to the water hit the rocks) We talk until the sun came up and he chased me around his car. Cam and Wanda broke up but she still called him all the time to do stuff for her. Since me and him where not official I didnt care. (he wasn't going to get any until we where official and Wanda stopped calling ) A month later he was mine and only mine. Than a dark cloud hit. Wanda feel into a comma she had a bad heart and Cam went running to her bed side. She died 3 days later. It hurt me to my heart to see him fall a part, but like a good woman I stood by his side picked up the pieces. Time moved on and we started hang with god bro ( Lt )and his girl friend ( Carter )since she lived one building over from Cam. We all had a ball hanging for awhile. Cam knew I use to date Lt and he also knew we had had sex once. ( I never lied to him about ) But Lt didnt tell Carter and I felt like it wasn't my place to tell Cater cause I didnt want any of there bullshit. Lt finally tells Cater and the hoe goes running right to Cam and told him. Cam had to stop me from going over to Carter's house and tell her why the **** did she do that because if she was trying to start **** I was going to finish it because unlike her mate I told mine long time ago. More time goes on Cam wants to get Wanda's name on his arm I cry because I HATE WANDA. ( yes its wrong to speak ill of the dead but if I didnt like you in life I dont like you in death, its better to tell the truth than to lie and in life she hated me and didnt like the way I lived my life, which is funny to me because she didnt really know me, she only saw me twice that was at my job and at the club when I ran into Cam, at my job she thought it was mean how I brushed Cam off and at the Club because I dance all around the room with every guy, I say she hated me cause she wasn't me ) So after that I started hanging with my ex who lived in the neighborhood. Well Carter couldn't wait to tell Cam all these lies because Lt was cheating on her and she thought it was with me. ( you know what that say misery loves company ) Cam being stupid believed it because of his insecurity's. Two weeks later we where over and Cam was with Carter. When we split I didnt know it at the time I was pregnant with Cam's baby. Which is funny because Carter found out she was pregnant a week after I found I was. I was so lost right than. I was pregnant and I couldn't talk to Cam, cause Carter was telling me and my ex was together and I didnt want to deal with all the stress. So I had a abortion. ( that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do ) By the time Carter was 4 months she was in trouble not only was she on bed rest she broke it off with Cam because she didnt know if the baby was Cam's or Lt's. Carter had been ******* both of them the whole time.) Cam called me up because he ran into my best friend and she told him off about what happened. He call asked why didnt I tell him, and I told him why. He wanted to make it up to me and also because found a lot of my things at his apartment. He showed up at my job with a bag of my stuff and walked me outside to my car . Funny thing all my employees thought I was getting arrested because Cam's uniform looks like a troopers uniform. He tried to kiss me but I moved. He told me that He was truly in Love with me and could we make it work I said I dont know.
A few weeks past by and Carter has the baby but the baby dies an hour after she was born. Cam is broken again and he feels like God is punishing him. I tell him no thing are just out whack and everything is going to be ok. And I work with him to get it back together. Six months past and we are about to get back together but my instincts are telling me no something is going on. I stay the night with him on Feb 5,2009 ( your probably wondering why I put an actual date up you will see ) I have to be to work at 2 pm on the 6Th and he lived 15 min away from the mall I worked at. When I got up that morning I could hold it in anymore I asked " Are you in love with me or Carter" he was stun that I asked but he replied slowly "yes" I looked at him and smiled and told him "fine its over and when I walk out this door I never want to see you or hear your name or voice again in life" I started my car and drove to work I was surprised that day went by so fast and I was fun everyone said I looked like a huge weight had been taken off of me. As Im locking up the store for the night my best friend called and said she had missed her bus and would I mind coming to get her I said 'sure I will be there soon.'. I get on 695 like always and the next thing you know my whole life changed. My right front tired blew out and my steering wheel lock up I hit a jersey wall which sent my Acura T.L. into a spin .When I open my eyes I was facing the wrong way on the high way and I knew I was going to die. I was luck no one hit but my car was trashed. I thank that good person who stop to see if I was ok. After the crash I was rushed to the hospital with major injuries. ( my ankel was shatter wide open my leg was broken and a major artery was nicked so I lost a lot of blood.) My mother showed up to the hospital a few minutes after I got there she took things before I went into surgery. After 6 hour of surgery I woke up with Cam holding my hand and talking to me at first I thought it was a dream but it was real. He told me how my mom had called and he thought it was me and how his heart stop when though I going to die. At first I thought he was full of it until he was there everyday I was at the hospital. And when I can home he was their checking on making sure I was ok. At first I started feeling like he was just pitying me. Because I stuck on my back for 2 months. He told what happened with him and Carter. He told me it was over for good with her. I said ok whats that got to do with me. He said "everything". We stayed together for almost a year than old bull came up he couldn't handle me going out with my ex and I didnt like him hang with a chick named Piggy. ( if you saw her you would say so too if you remember Biggy Smallz than you know what she looks like with a wig on) A couple day before new years I tell him I cant take anymore Im not going into a new year with extra bull. He said fine. Three day into the new year he is in a relationship with Piggy. I fall out crying and laughing. So one day I am at the mall with my sister and we see him he call out my name and I dont look back he follows me half way down the hall before he gives up. After some shopping therapy we walk back to the truck. He looks at me and I think what the hell I will talk to him. He ask how Im doing I tell him fine. He ask can he call me I say sure is it alright with your girlfriend. We talk and he tells me how he is in hell with her and doesn't know how to get out of it. I laugh and say 'that's on you homie.". While playing house with Piggy I meet someone way younger than me we hit off and he becomes my boyfriend. Cam is so not happy with me being with my PYT (pretty young thang). Well he chases me for 3 months straight talking about leave PYT alone. That I belong to him and he belongs to me. I keep telling leave Piggy and I will think about it. He dumps Piggy and I keep PYT for another month until figure out who is right for me. Me and PYT say good bye and move on I tell Cam its on.
When think every thing's good that's when life throws a curve ball. We are back together again for one month 31 one days and I find out while we where not together but together he get some chick he hardly knows knock up and she is about loose custody of the little girl. ( because she had 4 kids living in dirt ) He tells me and I freak out because we are pregnant again. I walk away again. I do what I have to to do again. He asked me not to do but I couldn't be just another baby mama to him. Which leads me up to today he has asked me to marry him and that all of the bullshit we been though has made us stronger. And all of this pain is behind us, My heart says "yes ",but my mine says "HELL ******* NO DO YOU DO OR IM GOING TO SHUT DOWN AND NEVER WORK AGAIN" Now everyone sees what Im going though.
PandaStarr77 PandaStarr77
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

I apologize I put it in the wrong section

Wooowww...I didn't know what I was getting into when I started reading. That's a long story! I don't know how funny it is...I thought it was sad. Why are you even entertaining the thought of marrying this ***? You looking for a lifetime of misery? You know he's no good. You knew that when you met him, and you should trust your first instinct on that. He says you have been through too much together? More like he PUT you through too much. Don't do something you know you'll regret.