SPAM Parody, a New Beginning

Restless Third Leg Syndrome (RTLS) is a medical condition that affects men exclusively. By the age of 16 nearly 98% of males will be afflicted. Symptoms include sudden swelling of the third leg, accompanied by acute sensitivity, uncontrollable twitching, thrusting and throbbing often followed by discharge of a clear, viscous fluid.

There is no known cure. However, there are palliative treatments. Vigorous manual massage of the affected member usually provides quick, albeit temporary, relief. It is, however, recommended that patients place themselves in the hands of an experienced professional.

Side effects attributable to this therapeutic technique are common, but manageable. Depending upon such factors as tactile pressure and friction, engorgement may initially increase. But, with concentrated attention, rapid kneading will produce a creshendoing, resulting in swift emotional relief. Both swelling of the third leg and concomitant involuntary movement of the limb will gradually subside.

Clinical trials, conducted under the auspices of the prestigious Ketchup Clinic, suggest a correlation between the duration of manipulative therapy and the projective urgency of the sticky discharge.

There is a large body of anecdotal evidence suggesting that ingestion of large quantities of alcohol will prophylactically diminish both the frequency and intensity of RTLS episodes. However, risks associated with substance addiction, liver damage and tangential mortality discourage long-term use of alcohol as a medicinal measure.

As an adjunct to pharmaceutical treatment and physical therapy, many psychologists prescribe camouflaging strategies to hide the manifestations of RTLS. One expedient, for example, is to wear loose and unrevealing clothing. Another is to remain within close proximity to large objects like cars or dutch doors. At the onset of symptoms one might seek concealment behind a convenient couch or BarcaLounger. Making a habit of carrying a huge sign or box at all times is another tactic advocated by RTLS specialists.

While no cure exists for this perplexing and disagreeable condition, the potency of RTLS as a disruptive syndrome does seem to yield to advancing age. Ironically, there is some indication that with the eventual decline of eruptive symptomology comes a nostalgia for the disability itself.

Research continues.

Institutes of Medical Male Practice, LLC
(A Division of KrushSkull Industries)

WraithSword WraithSword
56-60, M
2 Responses Mar 23, 2009

TinyTurtle... I... OMGoddess...get me out of here befoe I am tossed out of EP for life...DD

Unfortunately, this is not a physical condition that gets worse with age. Optical stimulation has prolonged the condition and advanced chemical treatments, such as Viagra, have helped but even a nice butt can only do so much for those of us past 65…DD