I Have Healed

in my previous stories, when i first joined i was in the darkest part of my life. i was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. it first started a year and a half ago. living in chronic physical pain gave me mental pain and a snowball effect followed. last november i hit rock bottom. one day i just went to my room, was extremely irritated with everyone. i started to hate my parents, i would shy away from friends and i was struggling to maintain my grades at school. at the same time i had my depression i developed anxiety and anxiety attacks that were paralyzing. if i got overwhelmed with school, i would just lose what sanity i had remaining. i was literally on the verge of going insane. after contemplating suicide daily, my mother took me to a psychiatrist. he prescribed me medicine but my depression had clouded my judgement. i thought that it was better to let myself suffer and that i deserved this mental and physical torture. after having my worst anxiety attack, i reluctantly took the medicine. after a few months i am here now. i have never felt better mentally. i still struggle every single day with physical pain and some emotional pain but i am coping in much better and healthier ways then previously. before when i could not handle life i would slit the sides of my legs my razor until the floor of the shower was covered in blood, until it looked like a murder had occurred. now i just tell myself to calm down and just breath. my grades never were bad, but they were below 93's which flipped me out. now my grades are all high A's and i am able to focus and get my work done without ending on the floor in a sobbing ball. i am feeling better than ever. i have never told any of my friends that i am on medicine, but they have noticed that i am calmer and a happier version of myself. they all say they love to be around me again. i had a real test about a month ago when my beloved grandmother passed away from old age. i always thought that when i lost her i would need to be restrained and admitted to a mental hospital. but quite the opposite happened. i felt extremely sad and lost but at the same time peaceful. i was able to help my mother and father and became a rock for them to lean on, even at my young age. today i still struggle and will become very upset if i hold one of her blankets or sweatshirts she had but i know she is with me and i can not dwell on the past and on things i can not change. i have many people to thank for my recovery like my mother and therapist. if they had not kept telling me to take my medicine than i don't know if i would even be here today. i hope that somewhere in the near future i will not have to take my anti-depressants because i still feel that a manufactured pill should not change me but if i feel the way that i do than i will keep taking them. long story short, i have healed.
americanidiot87 americanidiot87
18-21, F
May 24, 2012