Whee?

  I am well aware that my husband is not my father. He looks and acts nothing like him and for the most part he is emotionally available. I, however, am still living in the past. I am terrified that, just like my father, he will leave me. I feel threatened when he gets close to other people or even talks to his own mother. I know that he is a good and faithful man but I can't get over all the crazy jealous feelings that go through my head when I consider my own insecurity.
  
  I have been in therapy addressing these issues for the past three years. I talk about how my father was a drunk and a drug addict and I didn’t make him leave. It was his choice. I try to improve myself, exercising daily so I can stay a size three and look good in a bikini, cooking delicious meals for my bottomless pit of a husband and learning new kitchen tricks, continuing to work on my bachelors degree, taking my meds as directed so I don’t have an episode of depression/mania.  I keep the house clean, I spoil the dog, I make myself look pretty even when I don’t feel like it and the whole time I’m internally panicking at the thought that he has met someone and is two days away from dumping me on my ***.
   I can’t sleep at night because I have horrible nightmares about my father, all the abusive relationships I have been in and all of the horrible things I have done prior to this semi functional one. When I’m not sleeping I try to lie there and think about better times, owning a home on the beach, having a career as a journalist, playing volleyball, but eventually my thoughts turn to fear and paranoia and I drift into a restless terrified sleep. If my husband says something the slightest bit hurtful I am wrecked about it for at least two days and cry continuously. In general, I feel pathetic.
  If there is an attractive woman in one of my classes I conjure up an imaginary relationship between her and my husband and it wreaks havoc on my sex life. I cannot talk to him about his past because then, like a psycho I feel the need to punish myself by learning every detail of the relationship only to torment myself by telling myself how much better she must have been than me and he must just be biding his time with me until something better comes along. Logic has no place in the abandoned section of my brain.
   The worst thing is that I know I am intelligent, I know that I am beautiful, and desirable.  I continue to hold onto these beliefs and I devalue myself. I know my husband isn’t going to leave me, but the wounded part of me believes it completely, she believes everyone will leave her eventually, so she tries to leave first. How to I stop perpetuating this lousy cycle.  How do I stop allowing myself to be a victim of my childhood?
  
 
 
 
nriley6 nriley6
26-30
1 Response Aug 4, 2010

Hi, How are you doing so far? I have some insights that you may find useful.