I Love You

not my body but:

drugs, drinking, cutting, starving, purging...

I needed the drugs to stay alive. and I needed the drinking to sleep at night.  I needed to cut to know i was alive from all the drugs.  I needed to starve so i could feel secure and important and I needed to purge becuase I needed to feel better.  

I hurt myself and I loved it. I didn't care and I loved that too.  At night sometimes I lay in my bed awake and wish I could do it again. wish i could run and be reckless and irresponsible.  Wish I could get so high I didn't know what was going on for three days at a time. Wish I could fast for days and feel light again. Feel like if the wind blew too hard I could float away with it.  I wish sometimes when I lay in bed, that I was bones again. I wish I could be reckless.  

the only thing I don't miss is purging.  I did that to feel cleaner... I never want to feel that dirty again.

But I can't love these things anymore. I've been clean for almost a year.  I got out of another hospital stay a year ago. (and have past the year aniversary i always end up in the hospital!!) I haven't cut myself in three years. I quit smoking. (well unless i go on vacation).  but god as sick and twisted as it sounds I miss it all.  If it wasn't for daniel and his son I would be out in an instant... atleast I like to tell myself that.

sacredvision sacredvision
18-21, F
5 Responses Mar 4, 2009

my biggest fear it to be homeless again. BIGGEST fear. I am afraid of being what I used to be more than death more than loneliness more than prison. being homeless was the worste part of my life. and it came from ******* up my body like i did

When I was in my 20's and 30's, drugs were a part of my life and alcohol was a major part of my life. I understand a little of what you went through. You had the strenth and will to beat these things. I am so proud of you. Life only gets better from here on out. Someday, when looking back at your life, you will be so glad. My 1st wife never made it and she is 60 and homeless.

aww thank you all. your comments mean so much to me. I wish i had this kind of love and support when i tried to get help the first 5 times :D i would have been happy in a moments notice.

I have a son who was on drugs off and on for 18 years,I would help him all the time.One day I closed my eyes and prayed to God,I give you my son,I ask to lay my son at the feet of Jesus.I turned like he was really there,and walked away.No body knows how much I loved him I believe I would have died for him if he would never take another drug.In my heart I knew that Christ the Son of God died for my son.To see my son it broke my heart over and over and over again.This time I could not humanly help him.When I walked away that day,I fully believe God would help him.For 2 years he started going to a church where most of the teachers were recovered drug attics.He was doing so well.after 2 years back to the drugs,My son is 45 now.He lost his 2 beautiful girls they live with his xwife's father.My son pays child support and has not seen his girls in 3 years.He has a lady friend they live together.I pray every day that he stays clean,she does not take drugs.I truly believe You could be helping people all over the world by sharing your story at the same time you would be blessing peoples lives.And the help you give them will come back to you.Life can be beautiful with out drugs at- first it's hard but if you really want it its with-in reach. I will be praying for you!Please take care,and may God go with you! I really care about you

I have a son who was on drugs off and on for 18 years,I would help him all the time.One day I closed my eyes and prayed to God,I give you my son,I ask to lay my son at the feet of Jesus.I turned like he was really there,and walked away.No body knows how much I loved him I believe I would have died for him if he would never take another drug.In my heart I knew that Christ the Son of God died for my son.To see my son it broke my heart over and over and over again.This time I could not humanly help him.When I walked away that day,I fully believe God would help him.For 2 years he started going to a church where most of the teachers were recovered drug attics.He was doing so well.after 2 years back to the drugs,My son is 45 now.He lost his 2 beautiful girls they live with his xwife's father.My son pays child support and has not seen his girls in 3 years.He has a lady friend they live together.I pray every day that he stays clean,she does not take drugs.I truly believe You could be helping people all over the world by sharing your story at the same time you would be blessing peoples lives.And the help you give them will come back to you.Life can be beautiful with out drugs at- first it's hard but if you really want it its with-in reach. I will be praying for you!Please take care,and may God go with you! I really care about you