I Did It All... Almost

In my on darkness... I had did much abuse to myself, in response to the abuse I suffered from others. It doesn't make sense nor am I proud of it! I have hurt myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. :-/

I use to cut myself, throw myself in walls in rage, attempted many suicide attempts by swallowing pills or trying to hang or suffocate myself. I have drank alcohol until I passed out. I had picked up smoking cigarettes. And even use to walk across roads, without bothering to watch for the light, just hoping I would get hit. I had turned away from all religion and denied all existence of any God and cursed my very existence. I would not bathe for months, staying in bed always, and cry forever.

The only thing I did do was take hard drugs (nothing other than nicotine and alcohol) or prostitute myself. I'm sorry if this offends some prostitutes... but in my honest opinion, I see it as a form as abuse against oneself. And I had thought about doing that too, just to punish myself more. :-(

But, finally... the madness stopped. I don't harm myself much anymore. I don't cut anymore, or throw myself into walls, or reckless when crossing streets. I don't drink anymore, there's no need for it. I bathe regular and I don't cry much anymore. I have accepted my Gods and Goddesses. I don't curse my existence anymore. I would NEVER try suicide ever again! :-o

The only thing left is my nicotine habit. I know that it harms me, every time I light up. Yet, the addiction is so strong and beyond reason. I'm not making an excuse! Despite that, I am trying to stay quit... but it's just taking me a little more time to succeed. But, I won't give up, yet. :-)

I am so happy to have gotten free of that dark cloud! And now, life is an adventure to me. :-D

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3 Responses Mar 4, 2009

im so glad you got out of the darkness. your an inspiration to peolpe like myself who arent quite there yet.<br />
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can i ask, what helped you get threw it all?

That's amazing. One day I hope I can stop hurting myself for good.

i am so happy you broke free too! I read your posts and stories and replies and they are motivational and uplifting. I am happy you are here and doing well :)