My "***** Donor" Dad

Okay It starts at when i was 2 months old my parents got in a big fight and my dad ended up hitting my mom and apparently he has done that more than once so my mom got tired of it and told my dad that he better clean up his act or he has to leave. She said right after she said he he said good well im going to leave you and that baby... so he did.. but then when i was 3 he decided he wanted to see me... so my parents went to court and they got joint custody.. well from the age of 4 til about 2 years ago my dad had abused me physically, mentally, and sexually. He used his hands, his feet, wrenches, bats, dumbells, pretty much anything he could get his hands on. I remember one time when my dad started yelling at me because i wouldnt go take a nap.. so he threw me at the wall.. from across the room.. And i also remember 2 years ago.. my dads new gf got mad at me for some stupid reason and randomly came up and choked me.. all i remember is waking up in the hospital wondering what happened.. but then i remembered what happened.. and i also remember looking in the door way and seeing my 2 little brothers almost in tears wondering what was going on.. i was lucky my big brother was there to call 911... but they still never told the cops the true story..Everyone asks me when i lost my virginity.. truth is.. it was at the age of 7... and they wonder who took it... my dad..... i still remember that terrible night!... being tied up.. with duck tape.. not able to do anything.... and recently i have been told that i am not ever allowed to go down there.. and i was like yes thats what i wanted all along... but now that i havent been able to see my little brothers... and even my dad.. i just feel guilty... all along i have been arguing with my dad because i have been wanting him to be more apart of my normal good life.. like watching me play sports.. because im very athletic... and the longer he doesnt come.. the more i want him to.. cuz he hasnt been to anything in my life... not even my birth.. he said i was ugly before i even came out of my mom.... why is this happening to me.. and when will it go away??