I Am What I Am

I have an entry in the experience group "I am Celibate".  I've commented my entry to indicate that, in fact, I am no longer celibate, which makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking when I allowed that crap to go on for so long

In retrospect, the first 3 years of celibacy seem to have added value to my life.  I needed calm focus, and celibacy helped me find it.  But the last 2 years without sex were just habit!  How ridiculous and sad is that?

My break with celibacy was smooth and comfortable........thank you, Richard!  Richard, who is 15 inches taller than I and weighs more than twice as much as I do, is my gentle giant and my near-deflowerer.  He ventured to go where no man had gone in over 5 years.  Brave man!

I saw this re-entry into sexual adulthood as an opportunity to honestly choose my sexual path, so I took my time to do some soul-searching, to make an honest assessment of what I needed and wanted from sex.  In the end, I chose the same wild and open sex life I had abandoned!  It was a bit tough for me to be that truthful with myself.  Girls are taught that one of the things they certainly should strive NOT to be is a ****.  So, my self-examination brought with it confusion and angst.  Finally, I just said, "**** it!  I am what I am!" 

I've been open and wild from the beginning of my sexual life within the context of monogamous relationships.  Then for 7 years, I mindfully experimented with group sex, swinging, dom/sub play.  I was curious, and I had fantasized about these things for years, so one day, I gave myself permission to check them out - go for it.  I must admit that some of my fantasies proved to be better than the reality, but even the most dismal of playtime held a measure of eroticism for me.  But, after a time, I realized that I had started to push my limits for the sake of pushing limits - it seemed that sex was becoming a competitive sport for me.  Ultimately, that realization greatly contributed to my decision to take a break.  I needed to separate from my sexual self so that I could clear my mind and step back for an honest assessment of what I needed and wanted.

So my reality is that I'm back in the saddle again, so to speak, with full cognizance that my true nature is to operate outside of society's determination of normal sexual activity for a woman of good character.  I haven't determined why my true nature is that of a ****, perhaps I never will, but I surrender to the answer I found.  An added bonus is that I'm returning with established limits so I can expend all of my sexual energy on just having fun.

That's my story!

sweetmix sweetmix
46-50, F
6 Responses Mar 17, 2009

And what a brilliant story, welcome back into the world of sexual liberation!!!<br />
Good on you. ;)

Thanks for sharing your inner self...it makes me think about my wife and sum of the things that may have been going through as we explored our sexual lives. No celibacy (Thank God) but there were times I knew I just had to step back and let her understand herself. We always agreed on the no pressure concept when it **** to sex...and it has been quite a pleasurable life with her. We are now in the empty nester time in our life and the sex could not better. We are also enjoying all aspects of our lives. It sounds like you have met an understanding partner...believe me...it helps in the exploration. Thare is no reason we as humans can't enjoy our lives to the fullest...you just gotta find what works and enjoy. Thanks again for sum insite in a womans mind of sex. dc

Thanks, easygoing......................it's been over a year now since I re-joined the ranks of the sexually active, and it just gets better and better. I've never felt more secure or happier about my sexual self! This IS a happy ending!

Thanks, She****sthemall. Life is too short for a person not to do it his/her way....................whether its celibacy or sexual exploration.<br />
I'm glad that you think I'm a breath of fresh air. Please breathe deeply! LOL

I am so turned on by your acceptance and, more specifically appreciation of who you ARE. You seem to be the type of woman I have so much respect for as well as admire the characteristics I seek in a woman. I hope you fulfill the unlimited possibilities having the guts to be an individualist who lives by their own code of conduct. <br />
Thank you for being a breath of fresh air.

I am so turned on by your acceptance and, more specifically appreciation of who you ARE. You seem to be the type of woman I have so much respect for as well as admire the characteristics I seek in a woman. I hope you fulfill the unlimited possibilities having the guts to be an individualist who lives by their own code of conduct. <br />
Thank you for being a breath of fresh air.